Depression Support Group

I've been going to weekly over the last 10 years. I've suffered, am still suffering, from anxiety and bouts of depression. I was diagnosed with dysthymia (a chronic type of depression in which a person's moods are regularly low. However, it is not as extreme as other types of depression). I've been on and off a number of medications for the last 6 years, but finally took Lexapro on a serious basis 2 years ago (although I did put on 18 pounds because of it). With the psychotherapy and medication, life in general has been overall doable. I was able to get out of my house (I was agoraphobic for quite some time), find a job, hold a job, talk to people and make some acquaintances, work on my relationship with my significant other, get married, buy a house, and basically maintain my sanity by managing both the anxiety and depression.

The last 6 months have been chaotic to say the least. The year prior to that point, I was weening off the Lexapro since we wanted to start a family, and I wanted to try and do this without the medication. Well, I got pregnant a few months earlier than expected (not a big deal in the scheme of things). The emotional roller coaster that came with being pregnant was extremely difficult to handle, but overall I was still ok.

Life then started taking a turn for the worse three and half months ago when I got laid off from the company I had spilled my heart and guts over, for the last 10 years. This was very traumatic for me and made me feel empty and even more insecure than I normally am. Stupid to say, but it has been almost like mourning a loved one. Of course, my anxiety skyrocketed and the depression has been steadily seeping in. Also, without the medication, some days were extremely awful.

The worse of my situation didn't happen until 3 weeks ago during my routine 20-week ultrasound. I was informed of three things:

1.) I have complete placenta previa, meaning my placenta is covering my cervix, therefore I am at risk for bleeding at any time and preterm delivery. I have been restricted from strenuous activities and a lot of bed rest

2.) The baby has SUA, which stands for 'single umbilical artery' or also known as a two vessel cord. Normally, when the umbilical cord develops, it forms three vessels: two arteries and one vein. However, in my case, just one artery developed. Because I've been diagnosed with this, my baby is at higher risk for chromosomal or congenital abnormalities, heart defects, problems with the central nervous system, urinary tract, intrauterine growth retardation, increased miscarriage and furthermore, low birth-weight.

3.) Lastly, the technician performing the ultrasound mentioned that it looked like the baby had only 4 fingers on one hand, possibly webbed, known as syndactyly.

Prior to this, all previous prenatal appointments have gone well. I even had some screening tests and received excellent readings. The news that day was beyond devastating. The week I found out I reached a new low in my life and felt like everything was against me. Everything I had worked hard for over the past 10 years just disintegrated around me, and all I could feel was the cruelty of negativity and pain. It was hard to take care of myself that week, my heart kept aching and I was crying non-stop. About a week after my ultrasound , I had an even more detailed ultrasound to search for genetic defects. Luckily, they didn't see anything abnormal. It looked like my placenta previa moved from a complete previa to a partial one. I keep praying that it keeps moving. Also, the perinatologist didn't see any sign of syndactyly on the detailed ultrasound on the baby's fingers. So, aside from having SUA, there currently does not seem to be any marker for congenital defects, but that's not a 100% guarantee. I know there are not guarantees in life, but it's eating me up inside. I just want my baby to be healthy. I've been prepping for this for a year and I just didn't realize I would have to face such issues.

My husband has been working so hard to be extremely supportive, but since he can't feel things on my level, I became angry and resentful towards him, and that has made me feel even more alone and scared. Along with the financial mess, this news from the ultrasound has added even more stress between me and my husband. Things were bad enough prior to this. He keeps asking what I need, so I tell him, but nothing seems to ever be enough. I feel so guilty about it, but I don't know what I can do to get out of this.

Things seem so out of control. Since I can't look for a job now until after the baby is born and am on bed rest, I've been stuck at home by myself and obsessing over EVERYTHING that can go wrong next. There are moments when I try to be positive, but it doesn't last. The BAD just creeps back in. I feel like such a mess right now.
Posted on 11/09/09, 01:11 am