Depression Support Group

It's good to see you Trying, and I'm really sorry to hear your news. Is he willing to do counseling before the separation? Are the reasons he gave you for the separation valid? I'm so sorry that you are hurting. Hugs

Well, he thinks couples counseling is basically lame. There is no infidelity or abuse or anything...quite honestly, my husband is a good guy and a wonderful father. We have had a rocky year..my key issues, for example are that he seems to plan a lot of activities for himself, and I feel like an afterthought. One of his issues is the way I talk/treat him when I am angry, but I know that is part of my "lows" (not making an excuse) where I get extremely angry...very angry. However, I am actively working on it with this site and going to therapy.
He says we are incompatible, but when I ask for some examples, he really couldn't give them to me. Then he says, "We love each other now...I don't want to end up hating each other, and if we don't change things, we will." This concerns me because, damn it, how can you separate in ANTICIPATION of it getting bad?

Thanks, Browneyed, for responding. LOL I should have said that first

sorry to hear that. have you suggested maybe just going away for the weekend,, just the two of you and seeing if there really is anything left... maybe just trying to reconnect with each other? best wishes

so he loves you but sees you going off the path you were on. seems then that some form of counseling would be a reasonable place to start. yeah, id have to agree some of the therapists probably are lame, but some pple do have a gift with this sort of thing. so it seems finding a quality therapist to do individual and or joint sessions might be the place to start.

certainly thats worth a try isnt it, if he says he loves you, its worth trying to save at all costs, in my book. i guess id ask him what he feels is the next step, and how merely being apart will help the situation resolve itself.

was there no indication of his feeling things werent right, before this? naturally its a great shock, im sorry. i hope he will decide that counseling is worth a try and you can work things out. good luck

Well, the shock part was that he actually said "separation" because he doesn't use words like that lightly. Is it a shock that things aren't their best right now? No. But, it's a shock that this is on the table now.

When I started therapy back in March, it was to A - work out issues with my family stemming from three years back and B -to work on stress because my stress, I think, triggers my lows...when I am LOW, I am extremely angry and nasty. This is not ok. He should not be my whipping post. But, I am ACTIVELY working on it...and I feel like he is willing to give up before it's even bad. I mean, we're not fighting or yelling or anything right now. WTF I am confused!

so you are going to a therapist now then working on these things. then maybe the doc needs to speak to him about your progress. and either you or the doc ask him if this is the core issue in thinking a separation would be in order . its only natural to expect answers as to why he feels this is necessary now, and what exactly is the route of the problem. and what this will accomplish in the long run as far as making the marriage work. these are things you have a right to know.

Wait..ask if what is the core issue?

Thanks, BTW for responding.

if the problem with your anger when you are so low is the core issue.

if thats thats the case, perhaps you both can go see your doc. the doc can then explain a bit about your treatment, how he feels its going and maybe if he realizes these problems exist, sugeest some changes that may help. perhaps, he would suggest joint counseling or maybe think of tweaking your meds so they be a greater benefit.

this would also give your husband a chance to voice his concerns, prior to actual counseling. might be easier to get him to just go to your doc with you. at that point the doc can ask some questions and hopefully provide some long term solutions.

your welcome.

This is wonderful advice, but I need to clarify that I am not actually "diagnosed" with depression...actually, one of my first posts on this site was that I felt like a fraud for being here and not being labeled "depressed." I am not on meds. My therapist thinks my moods are stress-related, and not biopolar or anything. I think I get stressed, frustrated..vent...take it out on him, etc.
I COMPLETELY know I am not innocent or perfect...I don't want to bash him or anything, but I feel very confused. Huh...maybe I shouldn't be confused, actually...I mean, we have had a bad year.

I have no idea what the hell I am saying at this point. Sorry :o(