Depression Support Group

Well, I don't really have a title. So that's the title. I don't need an epic introduction, it's how it is....

I am losing contact, connection - is this moaning? I am sure it is, in one level of reality, I am living there with you, trust me, but to me, 'you' are not all really here - yes, you are here in some sense, but in my emotional world, better put - my world, everything is like jelly, everything has shapes but nothing connects....
I am not sure of death, or of life, or of people, and i am not sure of them in the way that, I feel that anything could be changed, my whole idea of everything could be changed and I can do nothing.....

What do these words mean to me? you see them, you may attempt to read into them or take them as they are, but they exist aside of me, in a way I cannot fully control, because inside i am saying - I am talking to this inbetween place, i am feeling the energy of the world pulling me in, telling me I have a purpose, and all in all, it's just the back of your head telling you little fibs - i know what I mean, i don't care if it makes sense.....

I wrote a song about god - not just god as a silly concept, but the tricks things play on you..... I made a silly suggestion that god is just the right side, the emotional side of our brains, the poetic part of us is creating an out of body experience so that we feel apart of something thatis entirely just us - but then i thought maybe god, is inside the isolated experience, even if it doesn't exist in a sense..... what has this got to do with depression???

You know, I am not comfortable with trying to keep groups of people happy by putting myself in a place i am not in - I am not depressed, but you realise that, nothing is real because all things contradict each other, and I have done some self searching through music, and comedy, and books about journeys/enlightement, I am not saying I am buying all of it, and that's the point - some of these things have a lot to say, but it's not changed me because I see us as hopeless, and vile, and too subjective, too animal....

You see this a breakdown of everything - how can I put it into words??? It's not enough..... I am stuck because, there is a part of me that wants to do something outside lines, but then, i think, I am not only 19 but I am not really that cultured and - it's a long story, sometimes you feel like a fraud and I try to justify existence by saying 'well most things are just chemicals and energy but on this level of reality you can still enjoy intimacy and life in itself' - but I try to tell myself, however, it's not working..... Its late so i may not be making any sense, but do you understand what I mean?

I live alone, family doesn't exist, concept or otherwise (even if they are alive, another long book), I am keeping alive a being that is invisible, and only visible to the eyes of a strange and surreal universe that doesn't give it's secrets away. only a human being could be so arrogant to believe that it's prayer is heard, only the self feeding ego an animal - it's cheesy, but true...... Why bother loving that?
I am going on and on like I usually do, but you see, this is everything to me - I DO CO-EXIST with others and am 'there' but not here, I am not truly apart of what you guys do..... I am thinking of volunteering - good, step one. but the thing is, there is something in my brain that is altered forever, and I cannot put it into words.....

With it, i could use it as a creative tool, but I am too complacent, I don't believe that we ever really do anything that amazing - we all die in the end and I see with people like Bill Hicks, and Maynard from Tool, and Paulo Coehlo, and so many more that I've probably forgotten the names of - but books like 'get over it' an amazing book about death and bereavement, these people all believe/believed in their own quest to an extent but either died early from cancer, suicide, gone down the same roads of drugs, depression, 'going wild' periods and "enlightement" of many kinds, or are just living in the same ancient fingerprints - following the same steps..... I am repeating and feeding life the same as it's always been...

I am so tired - I've not touched anyone for over a year..... I am often going to sleep in a room in the dark, looking through my blinds at an angle and feeling my body, as if it were a machine..... I am scared, I am feeling so young but as if I've lived for thousands of years, in some dream - not poetry, it is my life..... I wake up and feel 'death' not just, 'feeling like death', but I wake up and feel all of my organs and veins and everything and know, between words and thought, there is a feeling of death - I am aware of my own mortality before even having breakfast....

This isn't insane anymore - I sometimes here words and even simple words don't make sense - i wonder if any of you can understand me - it scares me - i could be mad.
Posted on 11/04/09, 09:11 pm