What is Depression
Clinical depression is a state of sadness or melancholia that has advanced to the point of being disruptive to an individual's social functioning and/or activities of daily living....
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Black hole sadness (Possible trigger)
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I am really really sorry for the length on this one, I'm not expecting anyone to read the entire thing. All of this is a summary of what I have been feeling for a while now. I typed it up a few hours ago to see if I could get it off my chest, and decided to post it here. Thank you guys so much for looking.
Nobody knows the extent to which I suffer, shackled by my own thoughts constantly Do people reach out a helping hand? No, they mock me, insult me, write me off "You're fat, you're ugly, you'll never be anything" Well, they were right. Look at me now, 19, a failure in school, at home, and with myself. I have all but failed out of school, I can't bring myself to keep up. Never being close to anyone has taken a toll on an already shattered self-esteem. I never had a "first kiss" a "first date" or even held the hand of someone before. and I doubt I will, who would want to stay with such an ugly person first off, and then being so broken, forget about it. I couldn't burden someone like that. Not only do I have to deal with the black hole sadness, I also have to deal with the stigma that comes with depression. I'm whining, I want attention, I should "snap out of it" really? Well tell me how and I will. The anger I fell towards others is something I find very hard to ignore. I lash out at those who push me a little bit. Tell others that I am feeling sad? Impossible. If they made fun of me before for just being me, imagine what they would do if they thought I was being "sad" a guy crying, unacceptable to them. The constant battles I wage in my head are something that cannot be articulated easily. "Am I really depressed, am I making it up?" All I know is how I feel. I want to make everyone who ever made fun of me suffer, I want to crawl up in a ball and fade away, to disappear. Happiness is a choice, really? I guess I chose to be miserable a long time ago then. I can't talk to my parents, I am unable to seek out help, I don't have any friends to talk to, so I guess I'll talk to myself. "He's lazy" they think. Truth is, and this is going to be impossible to understand unless you've lived through it, but when it comes to school work, it's like there's an invisible barrier in-front of me. I can't sit in a classroom for an hour a class and focus, I want to rip my skin off after 10 minutes. I don't know what keeps me from doing the work, but I can't overcome it. An outside observer can, and will most of the time say "Just do the work" Well, I can't. It's physically impossible for me to sit down and do school work all the time. Not that I won't, I can't. The same barrier is present when I try to discuss my sad feelings. I just shut down, want to run away, die, etc.. I am stuck here. Anything is better than this hell, but I can't get out. I can't come out of my shell long enough to take charge of my life, I can only compare it to being stuck down in a well. I am not doing the world any good, in fact I am burdening whoever may be reading this by just having typed it. I go to see a therapist once a week, and I think I'm done wasting my time with her. Last week I showed up right on time, and she said something to the extent of "I'm running behind schedule, come back in 30 minutes" Well, she couldn't have called me? The weather was horrible that day, and my car isn't good in the rain and I almost crashed several times trying to get there right on time, to not waste her time, and she does this to me? She runs her therapy out of her house, and a few times I've had to deal with her friends coming over to visit, her phone going off all the time, and even waiting up to 10 minutes while she did her hair. What a joke. I want to cry I'm so angry about this. A good bit of the time I'll be driving up her long driveway right on time, and her husband will be just leaving so I have to back up and wait for him, can't he leave sooner? I'm paying her after all, but why should I have to put up with this? She says I should discuss these kinds of things with her, but how can I? First off I knew her way before I started seeing her. She is friends with my mother, I've known her since I was 10. Conflict of interest, big time. I see her at Christmas, etc. How would I deal with her after stirring up that kind of trouble. I know I'm sounding picky about all of this, but I am very sensitive about going there for therapy in the first place, and I don't have much tolerance for that kind of thing while there :( When I'm at my worst, I'll cut, take large doses of Tylenol, etc.. When I'm at my best, I'm like a different person. All happy and such. There are two completely different "Me's" The scars on my forearms linger even when I'm happy though. My parents know what I was doing, like a cat could cause those marks, they didn't help at all. I can't continue on this road, something has to give. Either I get the help I need, not this fake help, or I'll end up dead, or in a worse place than I am now. I can't put on a smile to avoid the embarrassment of having to admit to what I am feeling, while dying inside. Posted on 11/02/09, 12:11 am |
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Thanks for the response oookfine.
I have a few friends who joined up and they have definitely painted a less-than-rosy picture for me heh. As for school, it's not that I didn't like what I was taking, I did. I couldn't handle it though, and it's not something that I was motivated to do in the first place. I'm just confused, and stuck. I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown here. You're 100% right about listening to parents and people who have been there before, and I've tried to do that in life. This path isn't working though. Completely changing things up seems like the only way to fix this. Every step on this path has been a complete failure. I'm 19 years old now, and it's not like I have 100 years to figure things out. I've wasted 19 years already :( Thanks again. 
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your welcome, i think really getting a new therapist would help you alot. make that a goal, finding a quality therapist. it may take some calling around and asking for recommendations. i think some pple just have a natural gift tin that line of work, and really caring rather than just watching the clock or going through the motions also makes a difference in the benefits you receive from the sessions.
also i think a group therapy setting with pple your own age and similar issues would be helpful. you will find pple in groups like that do really try to help one and another. a place where you can set goals for the week and then meet up and see how well you did and exchange advise on the bumps in the road you might have had. think about that as another option of treatment when after you find a new therapist. you have a good attitude, you are trying to find solutions, and really thats half the battle. you may need to reduce your college load if you feel its to much at the moment. no crime in that, i had to do it also, when i was in school. you havent wasted 19 yrs even if you feel like it. you have developed skills along the way, i can tell you are a smart person. dont sell yourself short, its natural to do when depressed and feeling like you are chasing your tail, so to speak. but you are just begining the journey. keep that in mind. good luck
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I am of no use right now, but you've gotten some great advice, all I can offer is a ((((((((hug)))))))))
You express yourself and how you are feeling really well. I hope you find a better therapist.
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Oh Chris TD i am completely with you on this one. I have been feeling the same way for years now. Meds help but lately nothing is working. I am also a cutter but havent in over a year. I feel completely alone even though i am surrounded by people. I quit seeing my counselor due to a person conflict and have just now found a new one and i see her in a week. I have been going crazy wanting to cut myself but so far have resisted. I just need someone to talk to that understands and the people in my life dont!!!
Do what u want to do? if you want to join the military do it, you are an adult and you have to make that decision not your parents . I learned along time ago that life is no longer about what other people want it has to be about ME!!! Good Luck and give me a hollar anytime if you need to talk vent or just chat. Melissa
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