What is Depression
Clinical depression is a state of sadness or melancholia that has advanced to the point of being disruptive to an individual's social functioning and/or activities of daily living....
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Black hole sadness (Possible trigger)
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I am really really sorry for the length on this one, I'm not expecting anyone to read the entire thing. All of this is a summary of what I have been feeling for a while now. I typed it up a few hours ago to see if I could get it off my chest, and decided to post it here. Thank you guys so much for looking.
Nobody knows the extent to which I suffer, shackled by my own thoughts constantly Do people reach out a helping hand? No, they mock me, insult me, write me off "You're fat, you're ugly, you'll never be anything" Well, they were right. Look at me now, 19, a failure in school, at home, and with myself. I have all but failed out of school, I can't bring myself to keep up. Never being close to anyone has taken a toll on an already shattered self-esteem. I never had a "first kiss" a "first date" or even held the hand of someone before. and I doubt I will, who would want to stay with such an ugly person first off, and then being so broken, forget about it. I couldn't burden someone like that. Not only do I have to deal with the black hole sadness, I also have to deal with the stigma that comes with depression. I'm whining, I want attention, I should "snap out of it" really? Well tell me how and I will. The anger I fell towards others is something I find very hard to ignore. I lash out at those who push me a little bit. Tell others that I am feeling sad? Impossible. If they made fun of me before for just being me, imagine what they would do if they thought I was being "sad" a guy crying, unacceptable to them. The constant battles I wage in my head are something that cannot be articulated easily. "Am I really depressed, am I making it up?" All I know is how I feel. I want to make everyone who ever made fun of me suffer, I want to crawl up in a ball and fade away, to disappear. Happiness is a choice, really? I guess I chose to be miserable a long time ago then. I can't talk to my parents, I am unable to seek out help, I don't have any friends to talk to, so I guess I'll talk to myself. "He's lazy" they think. Truth is, and this is going to be impossible to understand unless you've lived through it, but when it comes to school work, it's like there's an invisible barrier in-front of me. I can't sit in a classroom for an hour a class and focus, I want to rip my skin off after 10 minutes. I don't know what keeps me from doing the work, but I can't overcome it. An outside observer can, and will most of the time say "Just do the work" Well, I can't. It's physically impossible for me to sit down and do school work all the time. Not that I won't, I can't. The same barrier is present when I try to discuss my sad feelings. I just shut down, want to run away, die, etc.. I am stuck here. Anything is better than this hell, but I can't get out. I can't come out of my shell long enough to take charge of my life, I can only compare it to being stuck down in a well. I am not doing the world any good, in fact I am burdening whoever may be reading this by just having typed it. I go to see a therapist once a week, and I think I'm done wasting my time with her. Last week I showed up right on time, and she said something to the extent of "I'm running behind schedule, come back in 30 minutes" Well, she couldn't have called me? The weather was horrible that day, and my car isn't good in the rain and I almost crashed several times trying to get there right on time, to not waste her time, and she does this to me? She runs her therapy out of her house, and a few times I've had to deal with her friends coming over to visit, her phone going off all the time, and even waiting up to 10 minutes while she did her hair. What a joke. I want to cry I'm so angry about this. A good bit of the time I'll be driving up her long driveway right on time, and her husband will be just leaving so I have to back up and wait for him, can't he leave sooner? I'm paying her after all, but why should I have to put up with this? She says I should discuss these kinds of things with her, but how can I? First off I knew her way before I started seeing her. She is friends with my mother, I've known her since I was 10. Conflict of interest, big time. I see her at Christmas, etc. How would I deal with her after stirring up that kind of trouble. I know I'm sounding picky about all of this, but I am very sensitive about going there for therapy in the first place, and I don't have much tolerance for that kind of thing while there :( When I'm at my worst, I'll cut, take large doses of Tylenol, etc.. When I'm at my best, I'm like a different person. All happy and such. There are two completely different "Me's" The scars on my forearms linger even when I'm happy though. My parents know what I was doing, like a cat could cause those marks, they didn't help at all. I can't continue on this road, something has to give. Either I get the help I need, not this fake help, or I'll end up dead, or in a worse place than I am now. I can't put on a smile to avoid the embarrassment of having to admit to what I am feeling, while dying inside. Posted on 11/02/09, 12:11 am |
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Aren't you the person that suddenly quit Lexapro? If so, this is no time to be autoevaluating. If so, you need to just hang on until you get back into your head. If not ... then:
You have a huge self esteem issue. Don't know what to tell you to do, .. but read up on it or something. Get yourself a real therapist .. not a family friend. You are an adult and can get who you can pay for. This one is doing you very, very little good. You spend your occupational time in school, yet can't 'bare' it for 10 minutes. If you cannot 'fix' that ... quit school for now. No sense in presenting yourself to something you cannot do. When you get the right professional help, and maybe some effective medication, you can go back to school when you are capable of being a student. Quit trying to do something you cannot do and then beat yourself up over it. Taking large doses of Tylenol and cutting your arms is not going to fix anything. You are in some 'impossible' circumstances and need to change them. Going to school where you cannot 'take it' and seeing a therapist who is not doing anything for you, and overdosing on Tylenol and cutting. This has to stop. I am sure what I say is not 'easy'. It is probably complicated, but the bottom line is you have to change something and it may as well be some of this stuff that is beating the hell out of you. Yes, something has to give .. and you getting the help you need is it. Line yourself up with another professional who is objective and willing to help you. That would be a great improvement. School? Later, Man. Get yourself a job to keep busy .. a good doctor and follow his advice, and take some of the pressure off yourself. It is time you got some help and gave yourself a break. Your situation is beating you to death. A tour in Afghanistan would be easier on you than this (JUST MAKING A POINT). Parents? Tell them you need your own doctor in order to save your life. They don't like it? Its your LIFE. Screw 'em. Live with them? Stay until they throw you out. You are going to quit school for now, get ANY job you can do, and start getting some decent medical treatment. If they can't accept that, you have a new problem ... but I would rather have that ONE problem than to keep things the way they are and having 1/2 a dozen. First thing is find a new medical caregiver. 
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Hi, yes there are people who can understand the extent to which you suffer. Truth is, you are not alone. It's not your fault you have a no good therapist. Please find a new one as they can be so helpful and a good thing for you right now. Meds could help if you aren't already taking something. I am sorry you suffer to this extent and sorry to hear you cut and take large doses of Tylenol. You can feel different than this, you can feel better with the right med and the right therapist. You have come to the right place for support and people who understand and will listen to you. I hope the best for you.
Sherry
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hey im sorry, how its been. but i can tell from the way you write you are no dummy at all. i can tell you are capable of quality work in school. but i know how you feel, and what that can do to self esteem and wanting to try.
i think you first and foremost need a new therapist. i also think a group therapy situation maybe helpful to you, pple the same ages, with the same kinds of problems. these groups often help themselves more than the doc does. hey take at look on tv, movies, and in business, is everyone beautiful? hell no! you need to sort out some things, and at 19, truthfully most do, whether they realize it or not. focus on finding a quality, professional therapist, they arent all created equal just because they have like degrees. you may need to do some research and calling around , but finding that person and possibly a group that you can relate to will be the best chance to the road back out of your hole. finding a girl, that will come in time, the right one is worth waiting for. work on getting yourself sorted out now. keep trying, you can do it.
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Could part of your problem maybe stem from ADD?. I found it very hard to study or even read a book with my mind racing all the time.. This could add to your depression.. Just wondering.
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I agree with meandthebeast about the possibiity of ADD. My daughter's experience in schoo_ (sorry...broken key on computer) sounds very simi_ar to yours. She was smart, and got good grades when she did the work. But she just never did it. She had prob_ems with se_f-esteem too, and had few friends. The teachers and staff were of no assistance in trying to make things better for her. She ended up dropping out and receiving inpatient psychiatric treatment. They diagnosed her with ADD and prescribed medication. She then got her GED with a very high score on the test, got a nice job in a pharmacy, has reconnected with friends, and is dating. She's now 20. You might want to consider this for you.
At a minimum, you need a new therapist. From what you say here, this woman is a disgrace to her profession. How in the wor_d can anyone work on se_f-esteem issues when their therapist shows them no respect?? It sounds as if she is using her friendship with your mother as an excuse to not take you serious_y, and that is harming rather than aiding you. I wish you the best. It can get better, so don't give up.
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And I agree with Debah on this one also.. You def.. need to find a new therapist.. I can only imagine telling her things when she is a close friend to your moms, besides not being professional.. Its hard enought to see a therapist without her treating you as if you were her own..
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I can only agree w/ what has been said. First and foremost a new therapist -- a friend of the family is a terrible idea under the best of circumstances and these are far from the best.
Don't feel like you are the only one going through this. You would be shocked if you knew how many people are walking the same dark path. With a new therapist and a good prescription, things can turn around for you. Don't give up on yourself, you are SO worth the effort!
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Thank you all very much for the responses, they mean so much to me :)
It's funny that you mention a tour in Afghanistan WanderingVet, because something I've wanted to do for a while now is join the military. My parents were super against it and as a result of that after I graduated high school I went straight into college. I didn't think the college life was right for me at this moment, but they insisted so I went along with it. Almost 2 years later it looks like I was right.
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college isnt for everyone, but on the other hand it may be what you have chosen as a major just isnt right for you. perhaps you need to think of changing majors, taking something that would truly interest you. learning a trade is another option, pple with these skills are seldom at a loss for work and will always have the training, even if they move on to other lines of work.
i was in the air force, but i wouldnt advise any young person to be joing up now, they way things are. recruiters can paint a rosey picture but reality can be much different. and once you are in they pretty much own you for that length of time. the military can be a good career choice for some, but just starting out you have very little say in where you are sent and what kinds of job you will end up with. of course its your life, you need to find a path that will in the end make you happy. but listening to your parents, and others that have been there and done that can provide a good source of information to ponder.
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