What is Depression
Clinical depression is a state of sadness or melancholia that has advanced to the point of being disruptive to an individual's social functioning and/or activities of daily living....
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Very depressed
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Im new here, please forgive if I don't catch on quick. Briefly - 51-year-old female, mom of two girls grown and out of the home, divorced from a complete jerk/alcoholic/cheater/pothead who chose not to be in his childrens' lives. I beat myself up about my choices 24/7, though my children were the one good thing I did with my life. I work from home so am socially isolated. I seem to dwell lately on death, I wouldn't say I'm suicidal by any means, but I just constantly fantasize about how I will be remembered by my family whom I am not close to at all. I'm very into music, not overlying religious though I am a Christian, but am finding myself spending inordanent amounts of time on you tube looking for music vids and songs i want played, specifically dedicating this one or that one to each person I want to send a message too upon my death. It's like "they wouldn't love me/be involved in my life when I was alive, so when I'm dead I want to speak to them from the grave to send a message home they will have to hear." I even have gone so far as to try to compile these songs on a CD/DVD and have instructed my daughter as to my wishes to only have this played, nothing more, upon my death. Each song is designated to a specific person whom I named. Sorry for rambling, but you can see I'm just obscessed with these thoughts. I want to be happy and live more than ever, but I just can't bear thinking I would leave this earth without telling them how they affected me. Yes, I've tried telling them this stuff during life, but they blow me off and so I just sit in my home and brood and suffer, throwing pity parties 24/7. I work like a dog, have a good job, am self-sufficient, but I just cannot seem to get a social life much less think about dating again. I'm overweight, and the thought of men being callus about that and degrading me, rejecting me, etc., based strickly on something like that is more than I'm willing to chance. I would appreciate any feedback anyone cares to offer. I'm just floating out there like a leaf in the wind, and wish I could get my life under complete control without fear.
Posted on 07/05/09, 12:07 pm |
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I was in counseling off and on but quit before I was really read to quit. I have contacted a therapist and am committed to starting again. Waiting for insurance approval as we speak. 
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Great! Good luck! :-)
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well it definately sounds like you are making some majorly positive steps to heal. i think you should do what you need to do at this point.
it sounds like your girls are grown and need to deal with the chips on their shoulders on their own. sometimes mom and dad get divorced and sometimes you have to make changes, shit happens. it is upsetting but ppl who take that out on their parents who already have been through a world of shit piss me off. sorry, i know you love them but that does irk me. my parents helped with school, yes my divorced parents, and i STILL had loans and shit to take care of and pay back. i worked for what i had and it was good for me. also, sometimes the build in sitter needs to walk off and let the kid learn to appriciate things. i hope you find more to help you heal...i think you are on a good path now. are there any classes or groups you could join to make some friends or meet someone? hugs and good luck!
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sorry the built in sitter that was... bleeping typos. lol!
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If you need someone to talk to, I would be happy to talk to you. I am a 50 year old grandma, who loves her grandchildren but have a little resentment about not having a weekend off in almost 6 years. My daughter was also resentful about having to take out loans to go to school and because she could not have it as easy as the rich kids at LSU. Anyway, we have some things in common. PM or hug please, I don't like the chat thing, makes me nervous for some reason and I type slow. If I am not on line I will get back to you when I am online again. I am off and on all day.
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