What is Depression
Clinical depression is a state of sadness or melancholia that has advanced to the point of being disruptive to an individual's social functioning and/or activities of daily living....
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Very depressed
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Im new here, please forgive if I don't catch on quick. Briefly - 51-year-old female, mom of two girls grown and out of the home, divorced from a complete jerk/alcoholic/cheater/pothead who chose not to be in his childrens' lives. I beat myself up about my choices 24/7, though my children were the one good thing I did with my life. I work from home so am socially isolated. I seem to dwell lately on death, I wouldn't say I'm suicidal by any means, but I just constantly fantasize about how I will be remembered by my family whom I am not close to at all. I'm very into music, not overlying religious though I am a Christian, but am finding myself spending inordanent amounts of time on you tube looking for music vids and songs i want played, specifically dedicating this one or that one to each person I want to send a message too upon my death. It's like "they wouldn't love me/be involved in my life when I was alive, so when I'm dead I want to speak to them from the grave to send a message home they will have to hear." I even have gone so far as to try to compile these songs on a CD/DVD and have instructed my daughter as to my wishes to only have this played, nothing more, upon my death. Each song is designated to a specific person whom I named. Sorry for rambling, but you can see I'm just obscessed with these thoughts. I want to be happy and live more than ever, but I just can't bear thinking I would leave this earth without telling them how they affected me. Yes, I've tried telling them this stuff during life, but they blow me off and so I just sit in my home and brood and suffer, throwing pity parties 24/7. I work like a dog, have a good job, am self-sufficient, but I just cannot seem to get a social life much less think about dating again. I'm overweight, and the thought of men being callus about that and degrading me, rejecting me, etc., based strickly on something like that is more than I'm willing to chance. I would appreciate any feedback anyone cares to offer. I'm just floating out there like a leaf in the wind, and wish I could get my life under complete control without fear.
Posted on 07/05/09, 12:07 pm |
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Welcome hugs, sorry to hear your so down . I think you need to stop beating yourself up so bad , hell we all make bad choices in our lives . You are the one that has the power to change your way of thinking , I know that's not easy , but the more you do it the easier it gets . 
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There are alot of people here to help you. Alot with similar situations. You are not alone. If you need to chat I am here.... (HUGS) for you!!!!!
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Thank you so much. You don't know how much it means to me to have someone care, even if they are strangers. I just wish I knew what to do exactly to take control of my life. My dream is to move near the coast and try and relax by the ocean, my work is mobile because I do medical transcription from home so I would already have a job, but my daughter needs me here to babysit my grandson while she works. I love him so much and I would miss him, but I resent her expecting me to work and babysit at the same time. Its physically and mentally hard for me since he is only 2 and into everything. I try to ask her to find other arrangements during my work hours, but she only berates me about what a crappy grandmother I am, etc., not to jump at the chance to babysit for her. It's like nobody understands that working from home IS A JOB just like 9-5 on site somewhere. I have responsibilities and quotas. I don't do anything right for him, she constantly belittles my child care skills in FRONT of my grandson which breaks my heart. As we speak she is angry because I gave him some goldfish for a snack and she didn't approve (Pepperidge Farms, not real ones, lol). Then we have my oldest daughter who is not speaking to me because I could not give her a new car at 16, a cell phone, designer clothes, and pay for her college education. She is highly offended that she had to take out loans. And my family is supporting her on it. I tried to explain to her that I received NO childsupport even though it was court ordered from her dad, but if you cannot find him, you cannot collect. I'm the whipping boy for this family, thats for sure. The only one on earth I feel really loves me is my grandson and my pomeranian.
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You have alot going on but please don't beat yourself up over your parenting skills. You did the best you could do and that is what counts. Ignore the harsh words from others. They can only hurt you if you let them.... Make yourself happy first and the rest will fall into place. You seem to be a very intelligent woman with alot to offer!!! Hang in there and it will get better.... (HUGS)
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Thanks so much for listening. Im gonna go walk my dog, will be back later. I'll navigate this site and hopefully become better at how it works. You have already cheered me up. Hugs to you.
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Just remember were always here to listen, even if we dont have the answers always. I hope you have a nice walk hon and take good care of yourself. Hugs Lexi
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join a gym and then go and use it...great place to meet people and will also help your mood. i hate exercising but i have seen it work for many people that i know
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Welcome...wow, you have had to deal with a lot. Your daughters seem very ungrateful -- of course we don't know their side of the story but they both seem to have a sense of entitlement that is not realistic.
Are you in counseling? I think you should be, if you're not...you need someone to help you see that you are a good person, and to help you learn to assert yourself with your daughters. I work at home too (though not very much right now) and so does my husband, and you're right, it's not just someone paying you to sit on your butt and do nothing all day. I wish you peace... (((HUGS)))
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Tx for your comments. These things I'm complaining about seem trivial, but the real core of my depression comes from a childhood of an abusive family, both physically and mentally. Of course it followed into my adult life and poor choices I made regarding a mate, etc. As far as accepting responsibility for my own life/outcomes/situations, trust me, I do. I pure hate myself sometimes. I'm such a good person in my heart, I would help anyone I could, I have a very loving personality and a long fuse. But I have to face the facts that I do feel very used and abused, and have been downright wronged by a lot of people. My support systems consists of my dog (yes, I know that sounds nuts) and God. Thats completely it. My daughters are very resentful that they were uprooted from their gated community lifestyle as teens after my ex and I split for good (was married for 18 years) and thurst into a situation they found uncomfortable. My main problem right now is social anxiety. It's like if I'm home behind my door, no one can hurt me and I can't screw up anything. So I just try to make myself content to sit here and do nothing. There are literally weeks at a time I don't so much as step off my porch. Well, maybe I will start my car up so the battery won't die. It's such as waste. I just wish I could let the world know what a wonderful, kind-hearted woman I really am inside. I recently underwent a gastric bypass for weight reduction and have done very well with that thinking it would improve my desire to get back out into the world, but it hasn't. Anyway, I do appreciate all of the moral support and I feel more in touch with the world through this site. Thank you all again for your feedback. God Bless
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Wow, congrats on the gastric bypass...even if it doesn't seem to be helping your outlook on life right now, it is bound to help with your physical health. You still haven't mentioned if you are in counseling, but I wish you well. Keep up all the great things you're doing.
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