What is Depression
Clinical depression is a state of sadness or melancholia that has advanced to the point of being disruptive to an individual's social functioning and/or activities of daily living....
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Full of so much anger
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I just wish I knew what to do with it! Too often I take it out on myself, but I haven't done that for almost 3 months and I really don't want to...cause I know it only hurts me more.
I can pretend to be just fine. I do my best to not let anyone else see what I'm feeling. I guess that's why my family doesn't believe things are all that bad for me. They don't believe I'm bipolar, cause I don't live around them and they've never seen my at my worst neither up or down. They don't know about all the trauma I've endured, so they don't understand why I struggle so much. I'm just having such a rough time right now. I'm full of so many emotions, anger, pain, shame, self-blame, guilt, sadness....all I do is sit on my online support groups and smoke and smoke and smoke. I can't even bring myself to do the dishes. I don't know why. It's just so frustrating! I wish I knew of a healthy outlet for this. I wrote in my journal about my anger, but it didn't help as much as I hoped it would. I just wish I could cry. That would help so much. But I just can't. I hold my emotions in so much, I just can't get them to come out when I want them to. I see my therapist on Wednesday, and I hope I'll be able to talk to her about some of this stuff. I tend to shut down when I go in, or pretend to be fine and happy when I'm not. It's really damaging. I just wish I knew what to do with all of this pain and anger. I'm trying to focus it where it belongs, but I just keep putting it on myself instead. Posted on 01/05/09, 10:01 pm |
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Sounds rough.
Every visit to my therapist goes like this: Dr.B: Hello, Laura. How are you? Laura: Alright. Dr.B: Really? It doesn't sound it. And, she's right, I'm never doing alright - I'm almost always shitty. I don't know why it is that I think therapist should equal mind-reader. Fortunately, she is a bit of a mind-reader, so it works. 
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anger is common with past trauma, depression or stress. Talking or even yelling at someone helps. Remind yourself to really let go and express yourself to your counseler. Don't worry about what he or she thinks. They have heard it all and they really want to help. Let them. Tell her or him everything you wrote in your post. it is a relief to get things out in the open,..even if it doesn't solve your problems. Takes a little edge off.
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=/ it's hard. I can understand where your comming from about not being able to express your emotions right. I can never deal with people seeing me at my worst it's like I can be crying really extra bad and as soon as the door opens I turn back into a put together person.
=/ some people find a hobby to help. Do you have any hobbies?
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I have bipolar as well hon. Family that no longer live with us..have no idea the devastation this disease can cause. My hubby is the only one who knows the degree of suffering and mania I go through. For my excessive irritability and anger..my doc has me taking meds like valium and xanax. Maybe your doc can add in something to help relax you when you are overwhelmed.
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it took me a long time to trust my therapist enough to tell her how i was really feeling. i too would 'pretend' and put on a good front. in the end i had to be brave enough to tell her that i was putting on a front. i still do it but at least she knows im doing it.writing things down to give to my therapist has helped a lot. especially when i don't feel brave enough to say it out loud. sometimes i just think ill explode fom all the holding it in, but it's not good for me.
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Thank you all. I will try to be honest with my therapist. I just started seeing her, so its hard.
I don't really have any hobbies. I tried to take up knitting, but I don't seem to have the patience for it. Maybe I will try writing things down. It might make things a little easier. I have Ativan for anxiety, but I don't know if it would help me right now or not. Thanks again for all of your support.
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sounds like me... =/
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same here
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