Depression Support Group

Not sure where to start. So many things happening in my life. I've joined the Liver Cancer, Divorce and finally the Depression support group.
While I am finding my strength and wisdom through prayer, sometimes the days become too long and sleep comes rarely.
I've lived a good life, I thought I was a good husband. And I still believe that I am a loving and kind father to my three children.
I have read the Love Dare and found God through doing those "Dares" that is outlined in the book. While it was supposed to be only 40 days, My dare extended to over 2 1/2 years.
After being separated for 2 1/2 years, (I was still living in the house, but sleeping separate beds) I found a bank statement with my wifes name and another person, with whom I had always suspected of seeing, in the mail.
After confronting her, I was made to believe, once again, that I was just being jealous and it is because of my jealousy that we should finalize the divorce.
I went through 3 weeks of hell.. Thinking that if I could have just kept my mouth shut, we wouldn't be discussing divorce. I prayed to God. Please, reveal Your plans for me??? It came again in the form of a flash drive that was found in the washing machine. On the flash drive were pictures of Landscape photos to various locations around California that my wife told me she went to alone. Most were overnight trips that I paid for.
As I browsed through the photos,, everything became clear. She was cheating on me. The ultimate slap on the face, was a photo of the bench where I proposed to her. The folders were divided into shots that she took and shots that he took. All were dated the same and all of them were from the same view.
I asked her again, was she seeing this other person. Once again, she denied it, saying it was for the photography business we ran.
And, once again, I made myself believe that it was just me being jealous.
That evening I was speaking with an old girlfriend, who has been in my life, as a "friend" since I was separated. "God has been giving you signs to move on" is what she said, along with all of the other rants that a friend would give a person in denial. Which I was.
A few days later it was raining one morning..
An accidental text message from my wife that was meant for him came on my phone "Drop everything, and meet me in the rain". Which was followed by text to me that she will be going out on a photoshoot and to make breakfast for the kids when they got up.
As she usually did, I was sent pics of her trips (can you believe that?) And I responded in my usual supportive way. "Great shot" send more! Knowing all the while, she was with him. When she arrived back at the house later that afternoon, I offered to help her upload the and edit the pictures. She refused and said she was tired and retreated to bed after taking a shower.
I called my "friend" for advice as I always did. She cried along with me as I explained the text message and her leaving for the photoshoot. My "friend" was divorced already for 3 years and confided in me for the first time that she always suspected that my wife was doing something from day one, we were all Facebook friends at one time. A post by my wife 2 years ago was made, and while I was no longer on FB, my "friend" could still see my wifes posts. It was the same phrase "Drop everything and meet me in the rain" that was made along with a picture of my wife siting on the bench I proposed to her on, but was taken by someone else. The date was on our 10 year anniversary.
I immediately hung the phone and forwarded the text my wife sent me that morning that was sent to him. I sent the kids next door to play with the neighbors kids and we talked. After 3 hours of denials, she finally admitted it.

Flash forward..6 months after filing. My old girlfriend and I realize that we were meant for each other. We date, we have mutual respect and love for each other. Things are wonderful... Then one afternoon, while I was at work, she calls me and says she needs to go to emergency. Her liver is finally giving out and jaundice has set in. I rush to the hospital in traffic almost 2 hours away.

For the next 3 weeks, I watched and stayed by her side as I saw a beautiful person turn to nothing.
This is a copy of a letter I gave to her.

We lived our lives and walked on crossing pathways that never gave us time to pause.
We would glance at each other and just smile, thinking fond thoughts of what was.
I thought of you often, wondering, hoping, smiling.
We lived our lives and we loved, just not to each other.
And then one day, our lives and our paths crossed again.
This time we both stopped,
And smiled.
And said, “Hello”
So, as you lay here next to me with your arms laid across my chest. I smile.
For I know, that from now on, our lives pathways will be taken together, with you at my side.
During my darkest days, I prayed and God sent me and Angel that was you.
You held me and protected me with your wings.
Encouraging me, wiping away my tears.
In your eyes, I saw true love, and my heart was made whole again and burned with love and passion.
I prayed again, and thanked God for you. And for saving my life.
Then life took a turn.
I prayed again last night as I watched you sleep.
Tears welled up in my eyes as I glanced down at your bruised arms.
The tubes snaking its way from needles to machines that are meant to make you feel better.
I prayed again this morning, silently, as I saw you wipe away tears from your cheeks.
I saw you wince in pain as those needles broke your skin.
“Why God?” I asked. “Why?”
“Why have you brought her into my life only to have her suffer, and to have me bear witness to her suffering?’
I prayed again as I took that long walk down that cold hallway. My footsteps quietly echoing.
Praying for you to get better.
Praying for a future with you.
As I walk into the room, you are sleeping, I place my bag down, come to you, and stare into the face of an Angel that was sent to save me.
You slowly open your eyes and smile.
The other day your Mother asked me what my name was. I laughed and explained that my real name was Serafin, the highest of Angels.
That thought crossed my mind when you opened your eyes and smiled.
It was then I realized that it was “I” that was sent to you.
To help you throughout this ordeal.
To offer my heart and my love.
To give you hope and a future.
To fight for a future with me.
I get weak sometimes and my resolve fades, I’ll admit. But knowing, even for a moment that you are happy and content, is all I need.
Because in your eyes, I see a future, One where we grow old with each other.
I share this with you,
because I love you.

She sold her home, all of her possessions, and is staying with family. She refuses to see me anymore. Finally tells me to live my life, to grow and to become the man she always wanted me to be. To stand up on my own two feet and to be a good father to my children.

If you read this far, thank you for listening.
Posted on 08/30/12, 07:24 am