Advertisement
Do you suffer from chronic pain?
Learn how straightening up can ease your pain
Chronic pain management tips
Learn how straightening up can ease your pain
Chronic pain management tips
More DailyStrength
|
It's really bad
|
Watch this |
| View More Posts Ignore |
I'm having a very hard time writing what I want to say, partly because for so long now, I've had the feeling that if I cry out for help, discuss my frustrations, or share my feelings, fears, and struggles, I'm whining or complaining or looking for sympathy or feeling sorry for myself. The truth is farthest from these things, however. I don't ever want to feel sorry for myself, and I never want people to think that I'm looking for sympathy. I know that I deserve to feel like I'm feeling, but I just wish that I knew how to cope better. I want to know how to just accept my life how it is. I'm fairly new here, this is actually only my second post. I received great support from my first post and I really appreciate the warm welcome I got and all of the support. But, still I'm afraid to really say everything that's bothering me because see, I have no support in the real world. I do not have any friends, and I feel like my family just doens't care to associate with me anymore. Like I feel like they enjoy seeing me suffer. Or like they feel like I should have to go through what I'm going through, even though I've turned my life around. I don't know why I feel this way, but I do. Whenever I try to tell them anything about my unhappiness, I get the cold shoulder. I don't know why exactly. But, it makes me want to not open up to anyone. I want to though because I'm scared and lost and just confused. It's really hard battling depression. I hate feeling the way that I do. I don't even want to wake up each day. I hate to say it, but I sometimes wish that I would just pass away in my sleep. It is just too hard to cope with everything. I can't talk to anyone because I feel like most people will feel the way my family feels, and even other people who know me feels. And my depression is severe too. It has never been as bad as it is now. I know what is causing it, but even knowing is not doing me any good. My depression, although I've suffered from it as a child, has been brought on by a series of unfavorable events, some tragic, some my fault, others not. But I can't erase the past. I know this. I just can't seem to let it go. I feel any enormous amount of guilt and shame. I can't shake the feelings no matter what I do. I have never really loved myself. I've always felt different than everyone else, like I don't belong. I feel people, including my family, treat me like I'm nobody. They don't respect me even though I've tried so hard to please them and be a better person. It's like nothing I do is ever good enough. I wish that I was loved and cared for just like my sibling and how other people are loved and cared for. But, I can't help but think that I'm just the type of person that cannot be loved. I feel paralyzed. Like no matter what I do in life doesn't matter. If I accomplish something, that doesn't matter. The thing is, I can't even accomplish anything. I'm frozen. How can I care for myself when no one else does? How can I forgive myself for the things I've done wrong when others don't feel that In should be forgiven? How can I do anything in life when others don't feel I'm deserving? It's hard to look yourself in the face and know that even your own family could care less about you. It's kind of like, if your own family doesn't love you, then who will? I need help and I'm currently in the process of trying to obtain some medications to at least help me cope better. If this doesn't work then I'm done and over with. I have no reason to live anymore. I can't be of help to anyone. I'm nonexistent basically. I really just want it all to be over with because I can take it anymore. I'm sorry for rambling but I find that writing my feelings helps me a great deal. Thanks to all who read.
Posted on 08/10/12, 11:10 pm |
| 21 Replies | Most Recent | Add Your Reply |
| View More Posts Ignore |
If writing helps you then keep writing! It might take me a while but read it I will
You say if you can't love yourself then who will, have you tried telling yourself positive things about yourself whilst standing in front of a mirror? Sounds silly but if you say them as though you mean them you do start to believe it and you project a more positive image As for your family all i can think is that they are afraid of theirown depressions and so deny yours. Does that make sense? I'm here to listen if you want to message me anytime *gentle hugs* Be proud of yourself for seeking help through medications. Have you considered a counsellor aswell? 
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts Ignore |
Hi there ash-
I am sorry you are feeling the way you are feeling. Depression truly does take us down into the depths and mind f*** us. One thing you said stood out to me more than anything else....it's not because the other things you said aren't equally as important, but the one sentence struck a chord with me. It was the following: ""How can I care for myself when no one else does?"" ash, I truly believe that one has to care about themselves BEFORE they can expect anyone else to do so. I'm not saying if you don't that you won't be cared about, but I guess what I mean is, once you get to a point where you DO care about yourself, you won't give two hoots in hell what anyone else thinks of you when they think of you in a negative light. Does that make sense? It does in my head LOL...not sure if it came out right. Again, i know depression puts us in a place of self loathing and feeling as if the world hates us, but when that starts, if you can start by combating that and telling yourself positive things (for instance, that you had the strength and courage to post here) you will start seeing the positive within yourself. Medications truly can help. I hope you get put on something that will help you! If, after some time, the meds don't seem to work or have adverse effects, make sure you talk to the Dr and try something else. There are many options, please do NOT give up! Writing is incredibly helpful. I know it is for me. Even if my journals come off as complete rambles, it still makes me feel better! I do hope this came across correctly....I am having one of those nights where my brain isn't exactly doing what I want it to lol. *Hugs* to you!
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts Ignore |
Hi, thank you for commenting. Um, I don't know what the deal is with my family. I don't blame them for anything. I think that it's me who is the problem. But, it is possible that there may be depression going on there, however, they don't treat anyone else in the family as they do me. That's why I think it's a personal issue. All I want to do is know what I'm doing wrong and work on trying to change so that I can be a part of the family. I just don't think they want that though, but maybe it's just the way that I think.
I have considered therapy. I need it...bad. But, I have trust issues. I'm afraid to open up to just about anyone because I think that what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking is so far fecthed sometimes. I think Ineed medication first, so that I can see if the medication will help transform my thought process. Others have told me that my thinking is off, and I trust that they are correct, mostly because, no one really sees things the way I see them or the way that I perceive them. And so I just thinks it's impossible for everyone else to be wrong. The medication, I believe, will put my mind right where it needs to be so that the therapy will be successful and I will be able to gain something from it. Thanks for the hugs, and back at you. I will certainly message you at some point. Take care:)
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts Ignore |
@babagtfoi
Hello, and thank you for your response. Everything you said makes a lot of sense to me. If I were to give someone advice, I would tell them something similar to what you stated. It's frustrating for me because I can't seem to take my own advice. It's like I feel so different from everyone else, and so inadequate, that I feel like my own advice will not work for me. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I am in the process of trying to get medication. I do believe that this is the only thing that will save me at this point. I really appreciate you taking the time to comment and I hope that your night gets better:)
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts Ignore |
But could you not give it 3 sessions with a therapist if you click great start to talk ab out the bigger stuff, if you don't click then walk away and find a new one. It could take a while but I know that you can do it.
Right now your family are causing you additional stress and not being supportive, so put them on the backburner and concentreate on loving you!!
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts Ignore |
@scaredandscarred
I guess I would benefit, greatly, by talking with a therapist. I just want to be totally honest, but I'm afraid they may tell me something I'm not really ready to hear. I know this is something I have to do, though, if I'm going to try to save myself. I don't know that my family is causing me stress. I mean, I do feel like I don't matter to them. I do feel like they don't care. I just feel like a nobody when it comes to them, but then again, I'd feel like that even if they weren't around. I think my issues are caused by me, but I don't know why I'm feeling this way. I know that when I talk to my family, which is rarely, I just don't get the feeling like I'm anyone to them. I feel put down and embarrassed for being me. Like I wish i could be someone that they could love, and I'm frustrated because I don't know how to be that person. I want to love myself, but I never have, and it will be hard for me to ever do so. I've made mistakes that I'm not proud of. I'm just nothing. So, it's hard to have any compassion for myself when I'm reminded of all of this. And, on top of all of that, I don't have my family's support. It just makes me feel like I'm a horrible person and like I don't deserve to love myself even. My hope is that therapy, along with medication, will allow me to at least survive better than I am, because I am barely clinging.to life. I thank you for your encouragement. It means a lot to me. And, although I'm in a tough spot right now, I will always do my best to offer that same encouragement to you and anyone else who is a part of this group/site:)
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts Ignore |
The past is the past. One thing you can get out of therapy is learning how to let that stuff go. Ruminating on previous regrets and mistakes creates a cycle of self-defeating thoughts.
As far as your family goes - well, so what. You need support, they can't or won't offer it. As important as it may "feel" to you have them support you, they obviously are not willing to. At least not at this point. They have become a trigger and as long as you harbor these feelings about them, it will continue to bother you. Again, therapy is a great place to learn the tools to cope with these kinds of feelings. For some in treatment, family just isn't a part of their regimen for getting better. That doesn't mean you don't associate with them, or have contact, or talk with them. It just means, as far as your depression goes, you stay off the subject. There's no reason to open yourself up to unnecessary ridicule and judgement. Stop doing things for others and do things for yourself. That's how you begin to love yourself. I know it sounds selfish, but once you love yourself, you can be more giving, compassionate and understanding than you realize. Fear is one of the biggest contributors to depression and anxiety. Fear of the past, of the future. Of letting go. Of trusting. Only after you begin to address these fears one by one (slowly of course) will you begin to feel the grip of your depression begin to let up. Have you thought about starting out in group? Just to listen in. You don't have to talk or participate. I promise you, nothing is "far fetched" in the realm of depression and anxiety issues. And I would strongly encourage therapy and working on techniques before resorting to meds. The side-effects can be pretty bad. Of course, many of us take them, myself included. But I hope to get to the point where I can manage my issues without the medication and rely solely on mindfulness and positive thoughts and other techniques to help me manage. It isn't easy, and it takes a long time. But you can be better. It will probably never go away completely, but you can live with it. You can manage it. And when you feel that darkness clouding your skies, you can be prepared to deal without, instead of letting it control you.
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts Ignore |
@dburney
Hello. Thanks for your response. You are absolutely correct about staying mired in past problems, and how doing so really kind of keeps one stuck, never getting the opportunity to move into the future. This actually describes me perfectly, as you can see from my post. I do need help with letting go, and I totally trust that a well qualified therapist would be able to help me get to that point. I also agree with your take on my family situation. And, after re-reading my own post, and giving it some thought, I found that I am expecting something that really isn't the responsibility of others, family included. I sound as if others are obligated to support me, guide me, lead me, and help me get out of my own mess. I don't know how I got to be this way. I realize that all of my problems, everything I am going through is a result of some very bad life choices that I made in the past. So for me to come along now and expect that people around me fix it, is ridiculous. I mean it's not others' fault that I'm insecure, have low self-esteem, feel guilty, need assurance that I'm worthy and valuable, and even that I don't feel like they love me. So, I think by taking the initiative to get help (therapy) then I'll be owning up to my own problems. You mentioned that you don't reccomend medication to treat depression. Believe me, taking anti-depressants is not something that I want to depend on to help me survive daily. I'd much rather have the strength to do it all on my own, well with the help of a therapist. But, after hearing several people tell me that they think I would benefit from some type of medication, as well as my own observations of myself, my moods, just my overall mental state, I really do believe that medication may be my only option. See, I want to feel a sense of nomalcy in my life. I don't feel that. I want to smile sometimes, and have that smile be authentic, you know, real. I just want to experience what it's like to live. Sure I've had some pretty memorable times, but honestly, I have never truly lived. I want that for me, and I want to be able to share that side of me with my loved ones. I've heard stories about the side effects of the majority of anti-depressants out there, however, and they are not appealing. But, sense I do not have medical insurance at the moment, and because it has been a complete pain trying to get a physician to see me regardless of my ability to pay, I've not been successful in obtaining a diagnosis or a prescription. But, I have just recently located an agency where I live, that offers free mental health counseling, so this will likely, once I get around to scheduling an appointment, be my only form of treatment in the meantime. I really want to do this without meds, but it's hard. I also wouldn't mind going to a depression support group in my area, I just have to see if there are any available. I have no doubts that this would also be effective for me. Well, dburney, I apologize for the long post. But, again I thank you for your thoughtful and informative response. I appreciate it.
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts Ignore |
I guess I would benefit, greatly, by talking with a therapist. I just want to be totally honest, but I'm afraid they may tell me something I'm not really ready to hear. I know this is something I have to do, though, if I'm going to try to save myself.
>>Sometimes the hardest things to hear are the the very things that we need to hear. We can all dance around the elephant in the room but e ventually one of us will get stepped on. Maybe hearing something tough will shake up your views and will set a few more things into place for you? I don't know that my family is causing me stress. I mean, I do feel like I don't matter to them. I do feel like they don't care. I just feel like a nobody when it comes to them, but then again, I'd feel like that even if they weren't around. I think my issues are caused by me, but I don't know why I'm feeling this way. I know that when I talk to my family, which is rarely, I just don't get the feeling like I'm anyone to them. I feel put down and embarrassed for being me. Like I wish i could be someone that they could love, and I'm frustrated because I don't know how to be that person. >>If your family can't love the person that you are then they aren't worth it. If they weren't around you wouldn't feel this way because you wouldn't have the added pressure and stress of trying to be someone youre not in order to conform to what they want you to be. If they don't have the time for you why make the time for them? Why change who you are for someone who is not changing who they are for you? I want to love myself, but I never have, and it will be hard for me to ever do so. >> Have you tried telling yourself positive things. Stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself how great and awesome you are, leave yourself notes around the house to remind you how great you are, put up pictures of when you achieved something difficult for you I've made mistakes that I'm not proud of. I'm just nothing. So, it's hard to have any compassion for myself when I'm reminded of all of this. >> Haven';t we all made mistakes? It's part of being human! did you learn from your mistakes? did you have new experiences because of them? are you willing to get out there and try again mistakes or not? YOU ARE SOMEBODY!!! You are here and you are talking to us and expressing YOUR opin ions! A nothing does not have feelings or opinions. It is a lack of everything. therefore you are a somebody And, on top of all of that, I don't have my family's support. It just makes me feel like I'm a horrible person and like I don't deserve to love myself even. >> So walk away from your family, create a new family of friends here and IRL to support you and provide you with the help that you need. Just because we are related by blood doesn't mean that the relationship isn';t poisonous My hope is that therapy, along with medication, will allow me to at least survive better than I am, because I am barely clinging.to life. >>Yes so get yourself the help and support that you need! For now concentrate on surviving and one day you will realise you are living without noticing! I thank you for your encouragement. It means a lot to me. And, although I'm in a tough spot right now, I will always do my best to offer that same encouragement to you and anyone else who is a part of this group/site:) " >message me if you want :)
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts Ignore |
ash30
thats a very very big post nice work 1st / foremost - congratulations on your honesty your wrote : " I need help and I'm currently in the process of trying to obtain some medications to at least help me cope better " depression is a neurological disorder its like having a car with 3 wheels moving the car forward - and 1 wheel not moving at all its a real mechanical issue - not something imagined or something we bring onto ourselves =) the 1st step to feeling better is what you already have done - identify that there is a real problem with the vehicle's function 2nd - get back up / help medication ! anti-depressants many times - take time - time to find the right one for you individually so if you dont feel 10x better from the 1st anti depressant - thats ok ! - keep trying different ones - doctors have many they can provide for u anti-depressants - from what i have found / and read - seldom work with the 1st particular drug also - welcome to the best place on earth to vent your frustrations / write about your dark modes pretty much - only here will you find ppl that 100% understand where your coming from see if you can time track the depression spikes - like - do you get especially depressed in certain hours of a 24hr time ( for me its when i wake up / and 1 - 2 hrs before i goto bed ) if so - be here on this forum in that time
|
|
|
|
||
| First | Previous | Page: 1 2 3 | Next | Most Recent | Add Your Reply |
Advertisement
More From Around the Web
