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This is not in any way shape or form a cry for help stating that I am suicidal so please don't flip and post replies! Please just read the whole post, because I have questions for those who have gone through something similar and emotionally traumatic so i don't feel so alone and ashamed.
Last night I was truely struggling and I was feeling hopeless and was drunk and reaching out to my friends because I really knew I needed to tell those closest to me that something was very wrong in my brain. I don't cut because I know it doesn't help so when i want to I put hot pink hi-lighter marks on my arms. Last night I wanted to cut so bad and do so much more, so i hi-lighted it all over my arms and legs. I did cut just a little bit and had a desire to do worse but my best friend was telling me how loved i am and the reasons i should be alive. So I went to bed. This morning I woke up to my door being pounded on and my door bell being ringing. I was stark naked and wrapped myself in a sheet to see who needed to get in so bad. 3 huge men in police uniforms were standing at my door and asked to come in, and 2 paramedics with equiment drilling me with questions. Questions about what happened, whats going on in my life, and how I feel. How can you open up to men in uniforms? They were in my home, invading my space, and my door was open so my cat was trying to get out into the hallway. They said I have to go in for an evaluation to the ER I said what im supposed to be at work! They said your health is more important so the cops had to call my manager and say i was too sick to come in to work. Then I went to the er, got all my stuff taken away and had to sign a form stating that I will not harm myself while im there, I was on what the medical world calls, suicide watch. People were coming in asking me so many questions while i had hi-lighter marks all over my arms I got shocked looks, stares at my arms and what I was in for, detested and judging looks from other hospital workers not the nurse or doctor. Then by the time the doctor came in knowing full heartedly how to deal with such a fragile situation I felt so stupid and embarassed I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to go back home to my bed with my clothes back on. People deal with mental health so poorly sometimes and those who really are quialified to help you cant get in, and you can't bring yourself to open up to. Please just share your story if you have been there, I am mentally stable and my fighter self is staying strong but I just can't get the images of these judging uniformed people out of my head. Posted on 08/10/12, 07:16 pm |
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I was at my mom's house with her husband and I too was drunk. I wrote a suicide note. Well, I was crying out for help because I didn't want to go home to my husband. My step dad called the cops and the very nice cop who just wanted to help, said he had to take me to the hospital because I did write the note. Stupid me....
So, he drove me to the hospital where they took blood, checked me out, etc... After almost 2 hours of that, and the nice Novato cop standing there, that are known for being mean (they aren't), told me that an ambulance was going to take me to another hospital about an hour or more away where they would take good care of me. I was considered a 21/20, 41-40, 81/80? Something like that. Two numbers is what I remember. So I was at the hospital being put on medications, being talked to privately and in groups and stayed for 7 days. When they said I had to go home, I said I didn't want to. So, for 10 years I couldn't own a gun, I'm sure that was on my record somewhere, and I was told I had bi-polar depression and chronic depression. And I still had to go home. I do know how you were feeling. As I read your post, I could see myself in all of your situations, down to the color of your sheet and the looks on the cops faces. If you ever want to talk, message or meebo me. 
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ain't alcohol great???
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To be honest with you,,I'm lucky if I can drink a half a glass of red wine. As soon as I start to feel weird, the glass goes down. I've watched it do too much damage and hurt too many people.
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Urgh this happened to me too minus the drink, I ended up in a worse state after being seen at the ER than before!
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Omg everyone told my family and everyone is flipping out. for the record, im going to talk to you all on here when im feeling hopeless and alone
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I wasn't taken in by anyone because I went in for evaluation freely, but I only wanted to go to the IOP (intensive out-patient) program. After the social worker and then the psychiatrist talked to me, they told me IOP was not an option because not only did I have suicidal ideations, but I had a plan and had attempted it in the past.
They told me they recommended that I be admitted to their in-patient program. I was totally against it. The social worker told me if I walked out the door she'd call the cops on me though, so I really didn't have much choice but to do what they said. I was, and really still am, mad about that. In the end though, it really worked out for the best. The whole process was unsettling from beginning to end. The evaluation, the medical tests, the physical exam, the lack of privacy, groups, etc. I felt like I was in a terrarium being observed and judged non-stop. But, really, at the time, I just didn't care because I was so severely depressed. Looking back, I don't really care now either because I'll hopefully never see any of those people again.
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I have had more than my share of embarrassing moments with and without alchohol.
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In 1996 I was having trouble at work and at home. I was forming a plan even as I was getting counselling from my Employee Assistance Program. On January 28th I told my wife I was going on one of my fishing trips by myself. I instead had it in my head that I would hold myself hostage till a recipient was found for one of my organs. I felt that I could some how initiate a chain of events that would make me famous and my problems would be magically solved with my new found fame and fortune. Basically I was viewed as psychotic from severe depression. My note and plan included my being in a hospital parking lot holed up with a knife. I called a local television station and got the ball rolling. This ended with me in police custody and being transferred from one county to another. Once in my home county I was "Baker Acted" and my being diagnosed as suffering from severe depression began my involvement in mental health issues. Ultimately I was on several days of intensive one on one observation. Then began the groups. They are where I began to learn things like how to cope and the importance of being honest with myself and my doctor. After almost three months of hospitalization I was finally released and allowed to have outpatient treatment i/e therapy before returning to work. Through all of this long story I was treated like a human being. If I had a question I got an answer. I guess it just happened that the law enforcement people and the staff at the hospital were caring people that knew I was in way over my head. I was suffering and didn't even know how bad it was till I was able to see it from a viewpoint of being somewhat well. Sorry for the long response but that is just one of several episodes that involved law enforcement and me being "admitted" to a hospital.
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Gramy its 51-50 ... been there many times in the far past ..... One episode I clearly remember was I was taken to the hospital after I had taken all my Klonopin and half of my lithium ..... I was in a deep spot .in my life ... Drinking and things escalated .... At the hospital I was actually told by a nurse that I should be ashamed of myself ,,,,, I am taking care away from the truly sick ......WOW that made me feel so much better ...NOT
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Dewy I'm so sorry you had to be treated so unprofessionally. I always thought mental healthcare was of really poor quality in this state but now I am beginning to think that things aren't so bad. I guess I have been blessed to have never been treated that way.
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