Depression Support Group

I am feeling emtionally reactive right now. I'm frustated and angry about an interaction with a friend today at lunch.

In prior emails she had mentioned to me about "Casual Encounters" on Craig's List, because I was whining about being frustrated not getting my sexual needs met. I wanted to ask her questions about her experience, but she said she wasn't comfortable talking about sex. This totally surprised me, because on Facebook she talks about sex all the time for the all 400 of her friends to see. Recently she posted a photo of her holding up a sausage and stapping it on pretending she had a penis, and making all kinds of salacious jokes. So I just don't get why she clammed up on me. I wrote her back that I didn't want to ask her about the graphic details of her experience in terms of sex, but that I had some general questions about safety and how to actually check these men out - told her that I didn't know anyone who had done it. I'm not really sure if this is something I could actually do, but I think about it sometimes, because I am so horny and lonely. She never gave me a heads up or down.

So at lunch today, I very quietly mention the subject. She got all upset and said, we don't need to talk about this, this is not an interesting subject to talk about - besides you don't want to do it anyways. I felt like she was scolding me for being inappropriate. I guess I felt judged that when she said that this wasn't an interesting subject to talk about. I had been hoping to have a "girly talk" with her - as I have few girlfriends I can talk to about dating experiences, so for me it would have been an interesting topic.

Maybe she felt I wasn't respecting her boundaries - that in the prior email she had made it clear she didn't want to talk to me about sex. So maybe I was overstepping her boundaries. If that is the case I shouldn't be angry or upset or frustated with how things went down today. But I am.

I would have probably felt better if she had used "I" statements and said that she didn't want to talk about it, but I felt like she laid a trip on me by telling me that it wasn't an intersting topic of conversation. Her voice was very scolding. I felt like she was shaming me. But I may be over-reacting. I tend to be an emotionally reactive person.

She is an outgoing, New Yorker transplant, very brassy and sassy. She makes friends easily and attracts men easily. She always seems to have a boyfriend or lover or date. And like I said on FB she is very graphic in how she talks and jokes about sex.

So I can't figure out why she isn't comfortable talking to me about it. And like I told her I didn't want to ask her anything specifiic or graphic about her specific sexual experiences in the bedroom - I more wanted to get a sense of how to do something like that in a safe way. I was going to ask her how often she met the prospects before having sex, if they were one night stands or is it possible to develop longer term relationships doing something like Casual Encounters, and I was going to ask her if it's possilbe to have a tender, affectionate relationship with any of these men, or if it is just fucking. She has been single her whole life and has dated profusely, so is very experienced and good at reading people. Whereas I am a bit on the naive side. A widow coming out of a 20 year marriage with very little dating experience. Trying to navigate this dating world now and wishing I had a good girlfriend to talk to about this stuff.

Well she obviously is not going to be that friend!

P.S. She isn't really a true friend. She is somebody I know from this spiritual center that I used to go to, so saw her in group settings. Other than seeing her at the spiritual (new age kind of place), and on FB via emails, this was actually the first time we had ever done anything together. I had called her up and asked her out to lunch.

Oh, I forgot the other thing she said that irritated me - even though I know she meant well, it came off condesending to me. She said that I didn't need to put so much emphasis on dating - that it probably came off as desperate - that I should just continue doing my art and living my life and let things happen naturally. Well, that always works out for her - because she is an extrovert and has a good history socially with people. But that does not work out for me. I have been taking art classes, dance classes, etc. and I usually just meet other women. I never get asked out on a date. At most of my art classes, it is just women that attend. So I continue to do online dating, because "just living my life" is not bringing me any closer to finding a lover! Grrr!!!
Posted on 08/03/12, 02:22 am