Depression Support Group

Most stories begin at the beginnning...I`m going to start mine further on. It`s the most recent chapter of my life, so it`s the most raw. The wounds haven`t healed enough to become scars. I just left a relationship a few months ago that required me to move, leave my job, change my number and delete certain accounts in an attempt to disappear. I feel alone, isolated, and fucking terrified. I close my eyes and I see him, I actually feel him. The knots in my stomach are vomit inducing. For almost two years I endured his emotional abuse and his sick twisted sexual torture. It wasn`t always so. In the beginning I wasn`t always praying to God as he called me his dirty whore and cut me to watch me bleed. In the beginning I wasn`t bruised for days, I didn`t lose my hair to his pulling, I wasn`t swollen to the point of being unable to walk or sit. No, he had to break my spirit first so I would feel deserving of his punishment. He was the wolf in sheep`s clothing. I could never win either. The harder I fought the more his sexual desires heightened, and when I didn`t fight at all he`d become enraged until I did. I felt myself dying one piece at a time. Until one day I dared to look in the mirror. And in my eyes I saw her. That woman I use to be. Full of spirit, full of hope, full of love and life. And I knew I had to save her. Now here I am. Living with the knowledge that there is a man out there that thinks I`m his, that would rather I die than be without him. I don`t know where he his, and I only hope he`ll never know where I am. Shadows lurk everywhere I look, I`m scared of every corner, every step I take into the light. I put on a brave face. But inside...inside I`m so small, so fragile, so scared. I don`t know what the future holds for me. I`ll never be able to have children. I`ve been on a waiting list for a psychiatrist. My GP has me on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. And please, it`s not your sympathy I seek. I`ve chosen the paths in my life and I accept the responsibility for the choices I`ve made. It`s just, this part of my story needed to be told, even if briefly, so that these wounds can become scars and find their home on my soul with the rest. Thank you ever so much to anyone, if anyone, reads this.

Roxie
Posted on 04/11/12, 07:37 pm