Depression Support Group

thanks So..Up..So..
but what is MDD?
you sound like you have a very good handle on what ever you are dealing with. I was just curious what mdd is.

That's really brave of you bunny,I know how hard it is to face issues,I had a breakdown when I did it,but I'm at peace with that part of me now.Just dealing with the aftereffects of the past now(low self esteem,insecurity,anxiety)but the issues themselves don't bother me anymore,it has to be done hun.Wish you all the best and sending you my love

Whups! Apologies... MDD = Major Depressive Disorder.

I am afraid it's not bravery but survival. I have a serious fear of my own mind. At this point I am just very angry and want to break things and I am sorry but hitting a pillow is so very much not the same as hearing dishes or glasses break. I want to cut more and a rubberband snapping on my wrist isn't the same thing.

The only way I can even think of to get away from my brain is taking something to sleep. Oxycodine, ambien, I honestly don't care what it is. Alas I am out of ambien right now as I haven't called a refill in and afraid of getting readdicted to it. But honestly I will take anything to shut my head up so I can sleep because for a few days now I haven't been able to sleep and my eating isn't so good either. My head is just pounding and I can get rid of it for a bit but it comes back.

I feel like I am in hell all over again. And the closer to Wednesday the more anxious and distressed I am becoming. But as I said these memories are not going to wait for anything and seriously WTF is up with these flashbacks?! I DON'T WANT YOU! Why can't I just make them stop?

So word vomit right? I am sorry for any triggers. I really am. And I am going to be brave (with the alcohol) and type something I cannot say.

I have childhood traumas I am still trying to work out that I believe are distorted. I fucking hate hospitals because of the trauma that happened of being taken out of school and to another county in the 80s re "being abused" and I don't know if it was trauma from that lady who kept trying to push me to tell her that someone sexually abused me or if it was because I was truly traumatized by it happening. But I despise that hospital and can't even drive by it. Thank goodness I don't live in that city anymore.

I've been raped multiple times and in one case I had confided about grabbing my wrists being a trigger and making me freeze and HE FUCKING USED IT AGAINST ME! I was so stupid to tell him that. Why did I tell him that?! I thought he was my friend and no one including his fiance believed me after until he hurt her! I lived in a very violent domestic situation with a girl that abused and tortured me and I still can't fathom why I didn't leave sooner and I only have some closure cause I snapped and beat the shit out of her and she left afterwards.

I had an incident recently that I couldn't tell you what it was. Rape? Went to far? I DON'T know because I am so fucked up. I know I was crying in so much pain and after I came home and every little thing made me jump again.

And what kills me. What just is hurting me to the core is the fact that all those stupid self help bullshit Oprahs, Doctor asshate Phils, and Cosmo says "Forgive and forget. It releases the power they have over you.' BULL FUCKING SHIT IT DOES! I tried that with the domestic violent person and I didn't even believe it. It's BULLSHIT.

And now that I am diagnosed with PTSD and know it's a life long struggle - I know they will ALWAYS have power over me. They will always affect me. Every single one of them. They got under my skin into my core and fucked up my brain and I will never ever get that power back. And this right here is what made my therapist cry last week when I declared this all with rage.

SCREAMS

And I've only made it this far from I don't know why? Survival need? I've tried taking my life before and seriously liquid charcoal is fucking nasty shit. I refuse to be hospitalized again. I won't do it.

So there, there is the brain vomit as much as I can do here. I am literally screaming inside. Crying. Shaking. Panic. So far not feeling better but maybe when I calm down I will.....

Know I understand but I wont go into my past.It'll trigger us both,I've read a few memoir books which helped me a lot but I wouldn't advise that atm for you.I was inspired by the way these people dealt with it.But we're not them are we?You're at the start of your healing journey,but you will get there

Yes, BRAVE! What you just did... finding the strength within yourself to help us better understand what you're going through is so much more than survival. Your pain is real and raw and fresh, but as desperately as you want to run from it, you AREN'T running from it. You're facing it. One step at a time.

It may feel like you're losing the battle right now, but if I could paint a picture of how I see you today, I would paint the shoreline of a troubled sea just before daybreak. There you are, still a good thirty feet out in the water, but your feet have finally touched ground for the first time since you were swept out to sea in the night's raging storm.

The sun is not up yet, so it would be easy to see everything as dark. You haven't touched the dry sand of the beach yet, so it might be easy to think that, though you battled the waves all night long to fight your way back to steady ground, you haven't yet stood on that ground, so therefore you have failed to stand. Yet, you DID fight all night long, and you DID make it to within seeing distance of the shore. Now, at least, you are in water shallow enough that you can feel something more than endless nothingness in the water beneath you. Now it is just a matter of time before you feel the sun warming your flesh and the beach sand shifting beneath your feet. You may FEEL like an exhausted and defeated mass, floating barely alive out of reach of the happy ending you gave every bit of your energy to fight for. Yes, I do know the feeling of failing in plain sight of the finish line. BUT...

The ocean is behind you now. Though this last stretch to reach shore will easily feel as though it will take at least as much strength as the whole night's battle against the waves, the ocean *is* behind you now. The waves are not yet calm. The horizon has yet to be kissed by the rising sun. Everything in sight seems relentlessly dark and ominous... but the ocean *is* behind you.

Now I will add to the painting that as you struggle just to raise your head out of the water, you become aware that you are no longer alone. We've all waded out to meet you and help you go the distance. You've fought alone so long and so hard, but we're not going to leave you there. We surround you and each one reaches out a hand to support you. To give you time to rest. No, you will never be the same for what you've endured. You may always carry at least some of the scars you received during the long, dark night; but the ocean *is* behind you, and you are not alone.

:)

Ok calmed down a bit and talking with another and I will admit I am starting to feel a little better. Thank you everyone.

So Up, that was beautiful imagery. Thank you so much for it. My toes might be touching the sand but the water is still high and hard to stay up. Today is a bit better after getting some sleep. May have taken pain killers to get that sleep but I desperately needed quiet sleep.

Still not sure how I am going to get through the next few months. Something I will talk to my therapist about.

Thank you everyone. It means a great deal to me.

SB