Depression Support Group

ok. venting is a good start. ok. I agree. Yes. Vent away. I did that yesterday and it really helped me alot.
so I can help you today.
I understand about having memories and then waiting until wednesday to talk about them.
don't take the pills.
do you want to talk more??
that helped me yesterday.
if you want to, i will listen and try to help you.

You know when we 'fail' something, like trying not to cut, drink, over-eat, etc? It's not a failure. It's a setback. That's all failure is. A setback until we get it right. It's only a failure if we stop trying. As long as you don't stop and try again, you've failed nothing. Keep going. Each setback means just another fresh page to start from.

Hello, I understand everything that you are going through because I am going through the same emotions and crying a lot and I am going to a mental clinic tomorrow to see if everything adds up to PTSD. Dying is an easy way out, friend fight for your life. We have only one life and I want to make the most out of it that I can. I do not want to let my self down. I understand your position at work, I hated my co-workers because they knew that I was having health issues and they did not care and I was a control freak, everything had to be to my standard on the job. I can not work with people so I had to stop working or really hurt the ones that I was working with.

SB, I am so sorry for your pain. PTSD is a cruelty on top of a cruelty. The only GOOD thing that can be said about it is that it is a, "normal response to highly abnormal circumstances." Maybe that would be better stated as a HEALTHY response to unhealthy circumstances.

I've been fighting the same battle for many years. Be so careful with yourself during this time. Your mind is finally allowing you to break through and start feeling and remembering and you're in a vulnerable place. Don't be hard on yourself, but try to see it as the very large step forward that it is. I know it will not be without pain, but you are not alone.

Be aware of what triggers you and do your best to avoid dwelling there. PTSDers are notorious or putting on a brave face and pretending there's nothing wrong, so don't let it hurt you if even those who truly care about you don't "get it" that you're in unspeakable pain right now. Take care of you, and please post as much and as often as you wish. Above all else, show yourself at least as much empathy, understanding and compassion as you would show anyone else who is in your place.

I'll be here for you! {{{hugs}}}

Thank you Bridget... I am going from wanting to vent to wanting to sleep. I guess it comes down to fear... Fear of talking about things I just never talk about. Opening up about things that I find so hard to speak of. The closer it gets the more I am freaking out and want to run. I am making myself ill and I know that I am but I can't stop it. I get to go home in a couple hours. I cannot wait.

Stevie - thank you for the perspective. Feeling the guilt of cutting and then the guild of not being able to make it even 2 weeks... yeah.

Ocean - I am quite a control freak as well and thankfully for the most part my job allows me to focus on just me and what I need to do. Idiot is a new employee who isn't catching on because he wont' take notes. Hopefully it will get better.

So Up - Thank you. The thing that upsets me more than anything is I could have been diagnosed so much sooner. I talked with a friend yesterday that I have known for years and he thought I was already diagnosed as he knew I showed all the signs of PTSD. Why didn't anyone clue me into this? I had therapist that never suggested it and even misdiagnosed me with Bi-Polar.

I am freaking out and scared. I am still learning triggers that I have. But I do try and avoid the ones I am well aware of. But dwelling - I am a master at it. My therapist is always concerned because I am emotional and analytical. I've done quite a bit of research on PTSD in the last couple of weeks and I get all the logic but emotionally I just want to scream that they have no idea what the fuck they are talking about. They don't know. These scientist and therapist don't know what this feels like. Logically I get it. Emotional - so not there.

1 hour till I get to go home. 1 hour I can make it and I have to help the idiot. GUH.

ok SB. I'm really walking with you in your shoes right now, so I don't want to offer advise that might hurt you.

first, you're at work. when i work (which is volunteering, but i like to call it work because i like the way it sounds, it makes me feel good about myself) anyway, sorry about the side track, when i'm at work i'm able to only think about work, for the most part.

so, it worries me a little that you're at work and still having these thoughts. I don't know if we should wait until you are safely at home to talk some more, or if you want to keep talking now.

ok, here is one thing that we can do together. i too am running from what my mmemory is allowing me to remember. i've been doing this for years and years and it is all catching up to me now.

so, i've learned that the sooner you can stop running, the better you will be in the end. so, (sorry for my ridiculous amount of so's, but i'm working this out with you while i type)

anyway, i'm not sure if it is best to you to wait until you get to your therapist, or if you should start tallking when you remember things.

I've found that if i start talking when i remember things, then i will actually not be able to avoid it. my brain can play dodge ball big time, and it sounds like yours does too.

i don't know sb. I think you should just post it whereever you can, if it helps you. (your thoughts) we all have to stop running sooner or later, or else .... or else.

Bridget - First volunteering is working and I am glad it gives you some positive feelings in return.

As to these thoughts while at work - my mind tends to go where it wants to go when it wants to go. I tend to have a 100 thoughts at one time and can typically multitask what I am dwelling on at this moment and whatever I am working on as well. My job is also an environment that allows my brain to wonder a lot. After all I get downtime and can flip back and forth between cruising the internet and doing my job. So it's easy for me to go off into my own world and still get my work done.

As to vocalizing memories when they come be it talking or writing about - this might be what I have to do because frankly they are coming whether I want them to or not and they can give a damn if I am at my therapist. It's like my brain knows - "You are going to really do this? Ok... MEMORY VOMIT!" And with each little open up which is pretty small on the actual traumas the more I am bombarded with the memories. Can I easily talk about the fact what happened to me has caused me to have fear of all my friends - yes. Can I easily talk about what actually happened - hell no.

I know I can't run anymore. I want to but I will not run. It's why I am here on this site which is as close as I can be to a support group. Therapist won't even consider sending me to one in person right now nor anything to do with hospitals in regards to all this. It's why I push myself to go to therapy even when i want to run. Why I pushed to be put on meds even though I don't want to take them. Because I know I can't run anymore. But running allows me to avoid and just I dunno - how does anyone do it? How do those with PTSD get past this part? How do they get to the other side? If this is how I feel now I know it will get worse before it gets better. How do we get through the worst?!

Yes I am distressed and in crisis. Yes I feel like I am drowning. Yes, breathing hurts. My head is killing me right now but it won't SHUT UP. Even in sleep it won't shut up! How do we escape it for a break? How do we get a break?!

very excellent questions. (i'm doing away with capitilizing (sp) anything right now, so i can just type.

i really think brain vomit is a great description. that's what is happening to me too. i only asked about work because i was concerned for you. i'm glad you are a great multi tasker. excellent skill to have.

ok. i just learned something, sb. maybe it will help you. i hope so.
i've been so afraid to face my memories that i've had a migraine for almost 2 weeks among other things.
but, i just wrote down some thoughts, and instead of feeling worse, i actually feel better.
that's all i can say. i wrote down what came out of my head, the brain vomit, and i feel better, not worse. and more vomit keeps coming, or it did, but i don't feel worse. i feel better.

so, that's what i was afraid of. i've never felt as bad as i have over these past few weeks and i wouldn't let myself go to the places in my mind that my mind was trying to take me. i was having my own tug of war, but it was making me feel so sick.

so to answer your question, i think that just having brain vomit, no matter how messy it may look on paper, actually helps in the end.

it's helping me, so i suggest you try it. i'm signed onto your thread, so i'll know when you post.

vomit away, sb. i think you'll feel better.

Bridget, you are in RARE form today!! WOW!! :)

SB, I swear, I could have written every word of what you've written so far. It took about 20 years for me to be diagnosed correctly. Lots of different counselors and doctors. Lots of different diagnoses -- including bipolar.

I think complex (or chronic) PTSD is pretty far down on the list of possible conditions for the vast majority of mental health professionals because we tend to think of PTSD as something soldiers suffer. I noted just a few weeks back that most of the "PTSD specialists" out there advertise exclusively to war vets. Complex PTSD is a whole other can of worms.

You (and I) have the double-whammy of MDD, which is pretty much like hitting the Lotto of Depression. There is a whole dynamic to PTSD with major depression that makes it difficult to recognize... especially when we tend to take such great pains to try to appear "normal" and conceal our pain.

That's all I've been able to come up with so far to explain how something so seemingly obvious could be so frequently misdiagnosed. I've had a dream for many years now of opening a research and treatment facility JUST for patients with MDD and PTSD. As you said, what we DON'T know about it so far exceeds what we DO know about it. It's maddening!

I know what I'm doing with the money if I ever win the lottery! :)