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why do i keep hoping things will change
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Been married and with this man for about 20 years, and I have no idea what happened about 10 years ago. He became mentally ill, takes medicine and we have been on and off too many times. Its always himn that tells me to leave, and I have a real problem here, not letting this go. He is a good man with something mental, but whats worse, is I keep putting up with him breaking us up and getting right back into this. over and over. i have been thru therapy, and I know the only way to end this merry go round is to jump off and start my life over. He says I need to change, I say he is not accepting me - i work every day, he does not. His mental health is too bad. I have taken care of him for years, but he doesn't see it that way, and i have a huge heart -especially for him. Just needed to talk and ask if anyone has any ideas? Thanks for listening.
Posted on 09/08/08, 05:49 pm
12 Replies | Most Recent Add Your Advice
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Reply #1 - 09/08/08  6:00pm
" bump... come on my friends.. this person is really looking for help.. I havent the ability to help right now. Imsure someone can help here. "
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Reply #2 - 09/08/08  6:02pm
" Let me start off by saying that I have no idea how to help. I've never been married and have been in only one deep relationship. So... not a clue.

What I will say, though, I believe you need to do a complete re-evaluation of yourself, him, and the marriage. Think very long and hard if anything he says is true... anything you need to change. Examine how he reacts you doing everything you can for him. Is he appreciative in any regard or a complete jerk about it? Determine if he is a good man and if he is a good man for you.

Then the marriage... is this pain worth what you are currently going through and is there a solution? Is there a way out of the bad situation, but staying in the marriage. You say you've been to therapy? Have both of you been? Marriage counseling? If not, see if that helps. Its worth a try.

I wish I had better things to say... this really is not my field, but I wanted to at least give it a try so you know that I care. "
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Reply #3 - 09/08/08  6:07pm
" good scream.. now come on peeps.. thats what we are here for... to help.. sorry, I cant right now.. But I will keep this bumped until one of our more knowledgeable comes up with something.. "
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Reply #4 - 09/08/08  6:12pm
" have you guys ever been to a counselor together? maybe that would help. you have been through therapy and some counselor told ya to dump him, for your sake? how about couples counseling. would he go? if he has a mental problem of some sort you cant take everything he says so personally, if he lashes off that way. no its never good to tell the other person to just leave if pple have an argument, but im sure he doesnt mean it literally. he probably feel bad he isnt able to contribute more too. remember the marriage vows in sick and in health. pple have become so self-centered many seem to forget that, and say only but what about meh. i hate to see you leave him, as it will probably take his hope and life away. if you havent tried couples counseling id think that would seem the most logical thing to do. then you have a 3rd party asking both of you some good pointed questions, about how you feel and what you can do to fix things. in the end you have to make the decision and you also have to live with that decision.
some may mock my post here, but i believe in doing everything possible to fix a problem in a marriage, before abandoning each other. "
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Reply #5 - 09/08/08  6:16pm
" i have been married so I will try to help. I understand been there done it.
my ex also was diadnosed bi-polar manic anger etc. I didn't know or see any signs till right after I said my I do's.He is also an alcoholic/drugs.
I also went thruought therapy and I was told the things that he was saying to me he was projecting of himself.Didn't have anything to do with me.
Also having a mental illness of his it was the all or nothing he couldn't see himself as having any fault.
mine went right into the physical mental and emotional abuse. my therapists& put in place a saftey net , I was able to get out before he totally snapped.
I was told he was unhealthly and there was nothing I could do accept leave take my to babies and get out. So goodLuck for me it was the best thing I did.I had herd he had 2 breakdowns after and was in physc unit of the hospital twice following.~hugs~ "
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Reply #6 - 09/08/08  6:33pm
" You are in a very difficult situation. You are trying to assess the right thing to do. In your case, at best, it is a moral question. No one can do it for you. You must make some value judgements that are extremely difficult.

You are in an unhappy relationship/Get out of it. You have a right to happiness.

He may have impaired judgement and is not responsible for what he says/You took vows for better or worse(?) and should stay by him.

This is a situation between you and your spiritual self or as I prefer, God.

In my opinion, it is no one else's business what you decide, though many will have and state their opinions and criticisms.

I will say this, .. if he tells you to leave and you believe he is "in his right mind" when he does so, you have every right to get out of the relationship. Vows are one thing, mutual agreement is another. If you deem him to not be in his right mind at the time, then you have the vows/morality issue again.

This may be rationalizing, but one COULD say that unless he is deemed legally incompetent, he IS competent, and knows what he is doing when he tells you to leave. On that rationale, you are justifed in leaving for good, if you so choose.

You must very effectively consult your own spirituality and make the decision. I don't envy you. Good luck. "
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Reply #7 - 09/08/08  6:38pm
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Reply #8 - 09/08/08  6:49pm
" competent pple say all kinds of awful things to each other in fights they dont mean. sad but its happens.

what type of mental illness does he suffer from? have you spoken to his doctor, and mentioned his outbursts? has he gotten worse in the past few yrs? im not saying you shouldnt consider your own happiness, but i do think far too many pple think of just themselves and just bail out instead of trying to stick with it and work out the problems. and i dont know how pple can do that, if there is a shred of love left. trying speaking to his doc again, try couples counseling. write him a letter in a nonconfrontational way and tell him how he is making you feel, and ask if he really wants you to leave. ask him what he thinks should be done to help the problems you are facing. best wishes "
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Reply #9 - 09/08/08  7:22pm
" If you are wondering why you keep hoping, its partly beacuse you are afraid to change. You've been with the person 20 years, so you are used to it, even if it drives you crazy. You want it to work out with this person, the alternative is that your life will change a lot, which can be very scary. "
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Reply #10 - 09/09/08  8:39pm
" counselling for the win. It sounds like things are bad enough that you need the advice and support of an impartial 3d party.

I hope the right thing happens for you. "

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