What is Crohns Disease Ulcerative Colitis
Crohn's disease is a systemic inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) of unknown cause, that results in chronic inflammation of the intestinal tract. It can affect the entire gastrointest...
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Crohn's Disease vs Family Holiday Dinners
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I had a situation with my mother-in-law last Christmas which I am sure will come up again and again, and I don't know how to handle it. We have always gone to my husband's parent's house for the holiday, because his mother loves to cook. But since my son has been diagnosed with Crohn's he isn't able to enjoy meals like he used to. Last year, he said he would feel uncomfortable eating Christmas dinner, and then hurting while everyone opened their gifts, so I asked his grandmother if we could re-arrange the day. Gifts first, then dinner, so Dylan could lie down or go home if he needed to and not miss anything. SHE SAID NO. So we didn't go to dinner and just went by after everyone ate. My son barely had any time with his cousins.
My son's illness has cost, him a lot of friendships and social activities but his cousins spend weekends with us and they are all very close. I would make any concession I had to for the boys to see each other, and especially for them ALL to have a great holiday. She expects him to come to dinner and eat what he can. He just CAN'T or he will be in pain! I just don't know how to make my selfish mother-in-law realize that he is not trying to screw up HER HOLIDAY. I just want to scream "IT'S LIKE THIS EVERY DAY FOR HIM." What should I do this year? Boycott dinner again? They treated me like the villian last year for doing it. I cannot sit and eat that dinner while he is sitting right there and cannot enjoy it too. I would rather do something with my son that is NOT centered around food. I know my husband feels torn when this comes up because that is his family and his deaf father, who never knows what is going on, doesn't understand HOW sick Dylan is, I think. My husband tried to explain it all to his mother last year, but she downplays it to everyone... and although she lives ten minutes away, she NEVER calls my son to see what he's doing, or if he feels ok. If it were just me, I would never spend another holiday with them again, but I can't do that to my husband or my son or my nephews. On top of all that, my brother-in-law is dating some woman who really seems to hate me. She tries to bribe my nephews and hijack their weekends as a way to get my brother-in-law to change his Facebook status to Single. Any advice? (Can't afford to leave town or I would!) Posted on 10/28/09, 04:10 pm |
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wow this really sucks... my familys have huge dinners to but luckly im ok to just eat a bit and i wont feel to shitty after. i feel bad for your son.. seems like the mother in law is a big bi*$% ... I would say maybe try getting your son to write her a letter letting her how much it would mean to him if she just changed it and maybe you write a letter to but that works for caring people sounds like shes old school and self absorbed... I hate how people downplay this diease beacuse THEY cant see the effects... we suffer soo much but something about this diease makes people think its not that bad since all we have to deal with is going to the bathroom... but its not just going to the bathroom its sooo much more. Ugh so frustrating . well i know i didnt help much but i really sympathize with you.
Natalie. 
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I think the advice for your son to write a letter is good. You could also have your husband try reasoning with her again. Has your son tried talking to her, or is it too uncomfortable for him?
Why do the holidays seem to bring out the worst in people when it is supposed to be a "giving" season. I have in-law issues that surround around Christmas as well. I know how he feels though - you don't notice it until something like this, but it seems like every social occasion or every time you get together with family or friends is centered around food! It is horrible! Could he bring his own food and eat it rather than what she has prepared? Maybe you and he could make something at home for the two of you and bring it to dinner.....although that might offend her as well! I know I have had a hard time over the last few months watching my family eat things that I couldn't. I did leave the house a few times when they at lasagna and pizza - just couldn't watch! Luckily no one gets offended here, but they aren't exactly sensitive to my situation either. Owell.
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As your MIL obviously does not understand the complications of the disease, I would suggest finding some literature that you could send her to reeducate her. Then, perhaps she will understand the problems your son is having and be more concerned of his welfare, in addition to sharing it with your FIL.
I find this terribly disturbing that they would choose to continue these 'family occasions' without you and your son rather than accommodate his needs. And, needless to say, they are really setting an unattractive example for the other children on the meaning of 'family'. Bottom line, do not be intimidated. Your son is your first priority. Worst case scenario, have your own dinner at YOUR house on another day, inviting the cousins so he can play in the comfort of his own home. Good luck.
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She sounds like a total bitch. I'm sorry, but I would not go to dinner. You're not the bad guy in this piece. I would create a family dinner for all of you at home and then go over for gifts like you did last year. Tell her that you can't go to dinner until the schedule's changed because you can't do that to your son period. Sorry, but this really ticks me off.
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It really sucks but is there anyway you can make him up his own special dinner that he can bring & that way eat w/ everyone else?
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I agree with Caffy. That is what I do. I have told my in-laws time and time again what I can and can not eat ans they just don't get it. So, I always bring my own food now. They used to get offended but the truth is that you and your son are the ones that have to deal with the disease. Not them. Do what you know will make your son feel comfortable and don't worry about what they think. Let them talk and say whatever they want. But think of this, if your son ends up in the hospital (God forbid!) with a major issue do you think that they are going to be coming in to him saying "Well, thanks so much for eating our food anyways. It really means alot to us." Heck No! They won't understand. Unfortunetly, they probably never will if they aren't going through it themselves. So, do what you have to do to make your son comfortable. If that means making him his own food and bringing it or going after dinner. Don't let ignorant people ruin your holidays.
Good Luck to you. I really hope everything works out good.
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Where is your family. Is there anyway you can spend the holidays with them.
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They haven't been a part of my life since I was 19. They are not an option.
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Is your son also your husband's son? A loving grandmother would never treat her grandchild that way. And that is exactly what I would tell her. I'm so angry right now, I want to call her and chew her a new. . . well, you know.
I've had food issues since I was a child, so I can understand where you're coming from. At family gatherings I take a lot of grief because I don't eat. Most people have decided that I am afraid of being fat. I hear how skinny I am all the time. I am not skinny. I used to try to explain myself, but now I don't bother. It just causes more problems. I hope your son can find something that works for him.
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OK. I'm going to play devil's advocate here.
You say this happened last year, has it happened before or was that the first time? You think it will happen again and again, but maybe it won't. I know exactly how you feel, it's so painful when those closest to you don't understand, but sometimes it takes time to really SEE how the disease affects someone. As a Mum you rightly feel it shouldn't, but I always say if the worst thing someone has had is a cols how CAN they understand? For me, my in-laws used to be rubbish too. My Mother-In-Law just used to tell me to go for a pooh when I was in pain - EVERY TIME - didn't matter how many times I explained pooing wasn't a problem!! I used to ask her not to rub her meat with garlic but she did every time!! Like you, I began to wonder if she was just plain mean. Now, I've been with my husband over 15 years and my Mother-In-Law is often my greatest saviour. She comes to stay for weeks on end, looks after my kids when I'm sick, buys me flowers and little gifts to cheer me up. She phones me to see how I am when few others do, I love her and i couldn't manage without her. It took time (I think most Mother-in-Law relationships do!! lol) and I know not everyone ends up lucky like me, but the more you try to work together, the better I hope it can be for you. I'd take him some food he can eat and enjoys, say nothing and just put it in front of him quietly when everyone else sits down to eat. I know it's so painful and hard, but try not to get too entrenched as there might be a way back.
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