Coming Out Support Group

I tried to break up with my girlfriend of two years, a couple days ago, with the reason of how badly she treats me. But I chickened out when she ripped on me for not even giving her a chance to change her ways, so now we're still together. Really, though, we'd already been over it, and I didn't even know if I wanted to give her another chance... But I don't think that's the core reason for the insufferable anxiety I've been drowning in for months, now.

I'm not attracted to her, anymore. I'm really, really not. And when I think about it, I'm just not attracted to women, in general. I've always known that I have an affinity for men, but she doesn't know that. She knows that I was with only boys before her, and that she's the first girl I've ever been with, but we both assumed that I was kidding myself because I identified as female before dating her. She's flat-out told me that she wouldn't be able to handle dating a guy attracted to other guys. She's vocalized her worry about it for the length of our entire relationship, and I've always just uncomfortably laughed it off.

I know that I should be straight with her -- no pun intended. But I love her, I do. I'm just not in love with her, I don't think. And so, I feel absolutely horrible, now, for lying to her for the past few days when she's repeatedly made me validate that I'm in love with her.

She's been my best friend for five years, and I never want her out of my life. But she'll have nothing to do with me if I break up with her, and she'll deliberately harm herself, both physically and emotionally. She told me that she would, but she didn't even need to. It's not just a threat, I know that it's what would happen, and there's nothing that I'd be able to do to stop it, because she lives an hour away. No good will come of driving out for just a limited visit, and if she won't let me contact her, and we don't go to the same school, then I'm helpless. She'll go right back to self-harm and cavorting with any boy who will have her, which is... a lot. She's absolutely gorgeous. Even now, she has people pestering her to break up with me because they believe that they're better for her than I am. Yet another thing for which she pinned guilt on me, how often defends me...

Before it's suggested, I can't ask her parents for help. They don't like me, and they'd only patronize and terrorize her.

And so, I caved. A huge reason for wanting to leave her in the first place is because she has me wrapped around her finger, and that's not just something that you can easily change, especially considering how young we are. Not only would she have to revise the way she treats me, but I would have to break the habit of submitting and complying to her.

But she cornered me! I panicked. She made me say, right on the spot, whether or not I was in love with her. She didn't allow any sort of explanation, not even a single word that wasn't "yes" or "no". And "no" meant that she'd never speak to me again and she'd go on to completely wreck herself. What choice did I have? She forced me to lie to her because I care about our friendship and her well-being.

All because I couldn't tell her, straight-up, that I'm gay.

After being shamed for two years for even the notion of me being attracted to anyone but cis women, I'm terrified to even allude to it.

Something tells me that she would have taken it a little easier if I'd just told her that initially, but now what? Even if I came out and said it, her trust would be shattered all over again, and she'd be furious with me for lying to her and leading her on and tearing out her heart when I promised that I'd made a mistake and it'd never happen again.

And now, dear god. She's been sending me suggestive texts, telling me that she's stewing in sexual frustration. And I've just replied with delayed, vague, awkward, and fumbling messages. It's not a charade I can put up with for very long.

I have no idea what I'll do when I see her next. I don't want to have sex -- hell, it's not even sex, considering I don't quite have the proper equipment... It's all just me giving digital and oral, and I can't do it again, I just can't. I don't want to.

All I can think to do is to wait it out and then bring it up later, maybe a few months from now, act as if I hadn't thought of it, beforehand... It's cheap, but I don't know what else I can do.

And, Christ, I don't even know if I can wait that long.
Posted on 07/11/12, 04:46 pm