Colon Cancer Support Group

Denine, Hi and welcome. So sorry for your troubles. I am 30 and my mother was diagnosed in Jan with stage IV colon cancer. Her tumor was too big to do surgery so they did chemo and radiation to try to shrink it so they could do the surgery. Long story short, she did the chemo and radiation but opted against the surgery because she has alot of trouble with her heart and lungs (not too mention her other health issues). Her outlook was very bad looking but she ended up seeing a natropath and somehow the cancer at this point is gone or at least MIA. I am writing because I understand what you are going through. I am not an only child but I am the one that lives with her and have to deal with everything pretty much on my own. I went through and am still going through a hell of a lot of emotions and beliefs. In fact, I had to seek counseling and sought support on here to try to get through it. Your mom is going through so much right now and I know it's hard esp. when your mom changes attitudes and such daily. Things were always changing with my mom, her diagnosis, her doctors etc. She was very angry at different times and it mostly came out at me though i know it was just because of what she was experiencing. It's scary for everyone involved. Your mom probably is tired of dealing with it and also may be trying to spare you any further pain. I'm no expert but I hope that I can give you some support as others have done so much for me. If you ever want to vent please do so here, I am slowly being able to do that myself and may find it easier to do so by connecting with people in a similar situation as myself. i am still struggling so much with my own emotions and beliefs and am in a dark place right now, but I know eventually i willget through it and so will you. i will keep you and your mom in my prayers. Try to understand that how your mother reacts has nothing to do with you, it is her way of protecting the numerous emotions she is feeling. I hope this helps some.

Hi I'm so sorry you and your mom are going through this. I think a couple of things may be going on. One, your mom doesn't want to worry you - that's how moms are. Two, she wants to retain some control. Cancer is about losing control of the most important parts of your life. Sometimes it's important to feel we have control over something even if that means shutting others out. It isn't an entirely rational thing.

There are places for support in Northern Jersey. You have both a Gilda's Club and a Wellness Community -

http://www.gildasclubnnj.org/

http://www.thewellnesscommunity.org/

Their programs are free, just for cancer survivors and their families.

Hello Everyone - I'm a 45 yr. old single mom to a wonderful 15 yr. old son and we too, like NDifferent, live with my mom. It was a decision my sister and I made because she is married with a job that she has to be on-call alot for and, since I've always been the "single" one, it just made sense. That having been said, however, it is a difficult task.

My mom is 69 and was diagnosed with stage III colon cancer a number of years back. She had surgery and did chemo for about 3 years and then was in remission for about 2 years. As of now she has been back into chemo treatment for the last 3 years and is what is considered a maintenance patient. She goes to chemo every three Fridays with one Friday off. She is at chemo today and just called me to tell me that her marker is up to 15 and is scheduled to take a PET scan next week. Also, starting next week, the cocktail she will start receiving is guaranteed to cause acne to the face, neck and back. Needless to say, she is very upset.

Denine, I guess that only advice I can give is to just stay the loving, caring daughter that you are and to just let your mom know that you are there when she needs you, and she will. Like NDifferent said, it is just the order of things for parents to not want their children to worry, they same way I don't tell my mom certain things so that she doesn't worry about me. And as mentioned, control is indeed a huge factor.

I am so thankful to have found this group. Like NDifferent, I am the one in the home that has to live with all the ups and downs that my mom goes through on a daily basis. Somedays I just don't know how my mom will react to the simplest of things due to whatever chemical cocktail she has had that week. Everyday is different and it is quite an emotional rollercoaster to say the least.

I do feel resentful at times because I really don't think my sister carries her weight - as a matter of fact, I know she doesn't. But someone has to be here - just last week she tried to carry in a laundry basket from the utility room and scrapped her arm on the door jam and tore the skin on her arm badly - and I had told her I would get it! It doesn't help when I hear people say "I saw you sister at so-and-so - Hung out with your sister, we had a blast." I really can't plan my life too far ahead, basically it is on a daily basis, due to whatever may be happening that day and how my mom is feeling. The things my sister and I used to do together for my mom I now do by myself and I do get a little resentful at times.

Thanks for listening and I wish everyone the best!!!

Denine,
Wow, it is good to be reminded how painful and scary this is for the family. I have stage 3 and I m 50 with a 12 year old at home. She has expressed the desire to be left out of the info.. she likes her life to be as normal as possible. I try my best to put my pain in the closet and cry in the shower. In some ways it has been nice to not indulge in the whole miserable thing. I personally get sick of the pathetic questions from the family. I don't want to JUST be about Cancer. Life goes on as long as life goes on... what I m saying I guess is, maybe that is what your mom wants. To just live as normally as possible and compartmentalize the disease into something outside of her life, something she is attending to as best as possible and wants to enjoy life and you as much as possible.

No one goes through this without losing patience here and there..

Just one gals take on the situation. I m so sorry you re feeling left out of the information and decisions. I hope you can find some peace with the way your mom is handling her illness and enjoy her and hope she beats this disease.
Maybe one day soon she will open up and share her experience with you.
Best,
MPNC

Hello NDifferent,
Thank you for your responds for some time I felt that I was the only one going through what I'm going through,I just knew that I was going crazy.I understand that my mom is trying to protect me but it hurts even more.My husband asked me what if I knew everything would that make me feel better, and I think the easy answer would be yes I would feel better in a sense.I guess as long as I know its my therapy but the not knowing is what is tearing me apart because your mind just start wandering.My best friend mom from my church said to me why don't I find support group to try and better understand. I was in that dark place I was angry taking it out on my husband and children I'm coming around it's really hard because I don't know what to do, what say,or how to say it without her getting angry.When I talk to her I don't bring anything up I just ask her how she is feeling and I keep it moving.I know that she is scare I just want her to know that I want to fight this disease with her how ever I can. i will pray for you and your mom.Thank you so much for taking the time

Hello notagaintoo
Thank you for the places I will call them next week. I know in my heart that my mom don't want me to worry but if I don't know whats going on with her it makes me worry more.I Love her some much and it really hurts.thank you for the support groups.

hello thewrightgirls,
I'm trying to keep my head up. I just pray that she will open up to me so that we can go through this together.I will keep your mother,you and your sister in my prayers.Thank you.

Hello myprettynewcolon,
I know that my mom wishes all this to go away.I give her the space I don't ask her every move I'm just concern about her well being.I feel in my heart that if something was life threatening with me she would want to know everything good and or bad, so why I do I have to be shut out.this disease is not only affecting her it's affecting the family too.We are a close family so this is why it bothers me so much.me being the only it hurts even more.thank you for your support and I will you in my prayers.

Just a few words from a mum whose daughters were very upset that I was hiding info from them, so when I realised how stricken they were, I started sharing selectively. This is how I feel.
All their lives I had been there to lead them, guide, comfort and help when needed. I'd do anything to protect them from pain. Now suddenly I was weak, frightened, helpless and sometimes dependent. I was struggling to retain what little bit of independence and privacy that I still had. It is very hard to go from a strong parent to a fragile person that has to at times depend on others. Like being a child in some ways. I haven't told them that the first lot of drugs affected my heart and I carry a nitrolingual spray with me in case of heart attack. What would be the point of causing them anxiety and dread? I could see the fear in their eyes when I had the surgery . They have their husbands, children, jobs and their own lives to live. I love to see them happy and enjoying life and won't bring them down unnecessarily.
Maybe it's a question of pride and we all have to adjust sooner or later as we grow older. At the moment I struggle to accept the change of role, but maybe it just takes time.

Hello
I don't understand because your daughter's have their husbands, children, jobs and their own lives to live. you feel that its not necessary to tell them whats going on with you because it will affect their happy lifes.I'm going through so much not knowing whats going on with my mom that is affecting my family husband and 3 children I guess i just want to protect her as she would if I was in this position.thank you I will keep you and your family in prayers.