What is Codependency
A "codependent" is loosely defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for other people's struggles.
Codependency advocates claim a codependent ...
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I realized the other day that I am a codependent. I want that to change. I want to be happy within myself for who I am.
After my marriage dissolved (in which was emotionally abusive, and he had a gambling addiction) I vowed to better myself. I realized that I have jumped from one unhealthy relationship to another, and I have allowed myself to be taken advantage of and abused (both verbally and physically). I told myself that I would demand respect in my next relationship, and there were simply some things I would not tolerate. I also vowed that I would remain single for a while. I really felt that I needed time to sort my head out, care for my kids, and spend time with friends (which is something I stopped doing long ago). But I was alone. My house felt empty (even with my kids being here). I lost interest in keeping house and cooking good meals. I literally forced myself to do this because my kids deserve a nice home and healthy meals. I felt no pride in what I did though. Not like I do when I am with a man, and doing these things for him. While I was adamant at that point that I would not become seriously involved in a man, I still sought out their approval, whether it was chatting online or flirting in a bar. And then I met my boyfriend, and I got involved with him very quickly (too quickly). We have been together just over 5 months now, and last weekend he got drunk and became physically abusive. He is not living with me now, though he is pleading for me to allow him to come back and that he is lost without me. There is a huge urge for me to say "yes hunny, come back. You need me to care for you and I need you to keep me company". I love him, this I know. But I also know is that it is an unhealthy relationship. He needs me to control him (he has told me this), he has suffered such hurt during his life, yadda yadda. I wanted (still want) to fix him. The old me would have him back here, but I don't want to be with an alcoholic who becomes abusive, I don't want him to NEED me, I don't want to take care of him. I have told him that he needs to stop drinking, attend AA and seek serious therapy before I allow him back into the house, and I mean that. If for nothing else, for my children. He keeps saying he can't do it without me, and I keep telling him I will support him, but this is his battle and he needs to do it himself. Part of me says to let him go, but then I would be alone again. And that scares me. I am not strong enough to be alone, even though I want to be. I wonder if I am still with him out of guilt or love. And I do love him, I know this. But he has serious issues to overcome, and now I know I do, too. And I am not sure that we can work on these problems being together. Then the guilt comes in...he will start drinking and revert back to being depressed and lonely without me in his life. Rationally I know it is not up to me to make him all better. In a perfect world he would seek help for his issues, and I would seek help for mine, and at some point down the road we will be together in a healthy relationship. I am so torn, lost, confused, etc.etc. right now. I can't keep a thought straight. Please lend me some advice. Posted on 11/07/09, 01:11 pm |
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Hi Vtgirl,
I am glad you reached out to this site. It takes a long time to recover from the damage in our childhoods that leads us to believe it is better to be in a bad relationship than to be alone, get clear that this is crazy thinking and then do it all over again. Here is a response I posted to a prior post on the same subject that may be helpful to you. ___________ Welcome to the site. My experience is that before I joined CoDA and Al-anon, I thought the answer to my gut-wrenching loneliness was finding just the "right" guy who could fill me up, make me whole and I would be happy foreverafter. Combination of Snow White, Cindarella and the Princess and the Frog. Thank you Disneyland and The Grimm Brothers. Add a set of codependent parents who encouraged the same bill of goods ("find a good man and get pregnant") and a warped romantic Western culture ("I am nothing without you") and voila, flaming, destructive codependency. In recovery, my paradigm shifted to a different and life-changing perspective. The truth is a) There is no hole in me; b) I am not too damaged to heal; and 3) joy comes from within, not from without. Today I am a whole person, complete in myself, but always needing the healthy interaction and interdependency with others, which codependency destroys. My 12-step programs help me to look to the parts of my life which have become chaotic and unmanageable (e.g. serial monogamy); find a Higher Power with whom I can do business as a student in the arms of a loving teacher and best friend; and make choices that support my belief that I am worthy of love, joy and fulfillment in and out of a love relationship. That helps me evaluate what people are healthy for me to talk with, work with and sleep with; and I stick with those. Which means by the way, that occasionally, even with the man I love, my husband, I walk away from conversations that are hurtful, I make amends promptly when I am doing the hurting; and sometimes I play with someone else (e.g. go to a movie, a dinner, a play ) and sometimes, to maintain my own serenity, I sleep in the guest bedroom. Today I demand respect of my partner, as I demand it of myself. I don't reward bad behavior that is thoughtless, rude or selfish, and I don't indulge that kind of behavior in myself. My fairytale today still has the elements of joy, a good man and great excitement, but its no longer about "finding" the right man; its about being the "right" woman and the rest follows in due course 
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I read this really awesome book, it might be interesting for you; Loving Him Without Losing You: How to Stop Disappearing and Start Being Yourself by Beverly Engel. Very insightful, and with lots of exercises that seem really helpful. I only skimmed it, because I didn't have any money at the time, but I ordered it on amazon now and am looking forward to spending more time with it and doing the exercises. She calls co-dependents "disappearing women" which worked for me. Good luck, and I think you sound like you know what's best for you.
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Truisms, facts, and other sentences.
The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing. People have the power to stimulate emotions in you. If I accept the theory that others stimulate emotions latently present in me, when theses emotions do surface it becomes a learning experience. We hide the bulk of our emotions even from ourselves by the subconscious defense mechanism called repression. Repressed emotions pervasively influence the whole personality and behavior of the repressor. There are three general motives for emotional repression: 1. We have been programmed to do this 2. We moralize emotions 3. We experience a value conflict All repressed emotions are somehow acted out in physical symptoms. If a person does not listen, it is because they are not interested or because they feel threatened. Any suggestion of competition undermines a relationship and the practice of communication. Breakdowns in relationships is due to emotional problems. [e- motion...energy in motion] The first impulse to change comes not so much from being challenged as from being loved. Not as a glue that binds, but rather a magnet that first attracts, then turns around and repels, lest those who are attracted believe they must stick to you to survive. Take care and your time.
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"AT WHAT COST?"
I'm not in the business of giving advice. I can only say, as a child, I grew up with what you are going through. I waited on bar stoops at 7 and 8 years old. I would go directly to the bar from school. I watched my mother act lascivious and get men to buy her drinks and validate her. Dinner would consist of a fudgecycle, costing about 5 cents in those days. Which she usually brought out to the stoop while I waited. When she was fully intoxicated, I would carry her home. I guess even her guilt. eventually got to her and she sent me to a foster home, until she could find another man. She eventually did, He was a redneck who beat her and I constantly. We both were brutalized by this man. I eventually became a run-away, and was put in other foster homes, after forcing the state of Delaware to take full custody of me as even this woman wasn't my real mother. The irony is that my real mother gave her to me in the very same bar, I spoke of earlier. I watched this woman be abused, I watched her forgive him after he caused miscarriages after beating her. I remember all the trauma of growing up. I wish, I could underline what I'm about to say, so you could really get the meaning to this "CHILDREN REMEMBER." What I saw I still vividly remember, with basic post traumatic memory. It haunts me, I still get sweaty palms and shaky hands even while writing this. Although today, I know it has only learning power for me. I guess, her need to have a man was more important than sanity, serenity, and love. It was more important than my welfare or well being. It left me very emotionally displaced for many, many years. I've never fully trusted any human being. How could I? I had no idea the control issues, anger, resentment and mistrust were all apart of these things. I admit to never having a functional relationship. Today that's OK for me. I have a higher power who will walk with me even when I feel alone and desperate. I never understood any of this until I went to CODA and Ala-Non. I've never had children, but I sure know I wouldn't want my children to ever experience, the cruel dysfunction of humanity that I've seen. "I know today I can't fix the world, I can only fix me."
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Vtgirl, I commend you for maintaining your boundaries. Grace, mcFudd, vibrant1 offer great insights. See also responses to my request in Advice section of this sg: "how to maintain boundaries".
My recommendations are simplistic: -stay clear in communicating what you need and want from a relationship (as opposed to telling him what he needs) -do not compromise your values, moral code -be cautious of his attempts to manipulate you to weaken your boundaries -learn to be your own best friend (through whatever it takes; counseling, ALanon, etc) Keep reaching out to this group when ever you feel weak or in need. I did and it helped me make decisions about my relationship. God bless you.
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Thank you all for your advice.
Hampster - I think you may have taken my words the wrong way. I am not neglectful of my children, I am just not motivated to cook/clean; however, I do cook/clean for them. My children have also never been to a bar with me, I don't even think they know I have ever been to a bar. That is my business, not theirs, and I only have gone on occasion when they are away at their fathers. I also want to make clear that my children have never witnessed anyone being violent toward me. There was the one incident last weekend when my boyfriend pushed me in anger. They were not here for it, and they do not know it happened. They only know that he is not in the house because we had a major disagreement and need some time to think. I just want to make it clear that my children are not involved in anything, or at least I do my 100% best to make sure that they are not. I want my daughter to grow up stronger than I have ever been. I want my son to grow up to respect women. Right now I am taking things a day at a time. I put my foot down on the phone with him last night and told him that while I would love for him to be back here, I simply cannot allow it. I don't feel safe with him right now for me or my children. He needs to attend AA and counseling for a while before I even consider letting him come back, and even then there is no guarantee. And I told him that I need him to not NEED me. He can want me, he can love me, but he cannot need me. He needs to learn to fend for himself. I will be here to support him, but I will not do it for him. I also told him that I will not be able to attend every AA meeting with him, and that he must attend some on his own. I will go when I can because I do want to show my support, but I have kids and the reality that I can go to 1 or more AA meetings every week is unrealistic. This is his battle. I have my own battle I need to deal with, which I will start tomorrow with a phone call to a counselor. If my boyfriend and I stand a chance, we both need to get our heads on straight. If we are meant to be, things will work out in time. If not, then we will move on, hopefully both with skills for better relationships in the future.
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I think you misunderstood Hampster, Vtgirl, especially since she used "I" statements in her entire post. Not once did I read that she did anything but share her experience of growing up with alcoholism. I took that post to encourage you to be mindful of the damage to children who are raised with an alcoholic parent, because there is no ability to guard them from its ravages, no matter how hard you try or how successful you think you are in shielding it from them.
Childrend don't need to witness violence (physical or emotional) to understand it is there and to be damaged by it. You cannot share your life with a physically abusive and acoholic partner without your children being damaged terrribly by it. I believe that was Hamster's entire point, which by the way, was entirely supportive of your decision to keep this man away until he has demonstrated success in a recovery program for alcoholism and abuse. The reason your children cannot be protected from the ravaging effects of living with alcoholism is because as the spouse, you are affected, and will develop toxic behaviors trying to cope with it. That is what your children will experience: alcoholism through you, even if you could successfully shield them from your partner. I am glad you are in Al-Anon. It is a program designed to help you, the loved one of an alcoholic. PS If you are the wonderful mother you want to be, I very respectfully question your choice to bring a man into your children's life that you have known only five months, and in that time has demonstrated an addiction to alcohol and physical/emotional abuse. Your children will prefer to have a dirty house and a mother who prefers to be alone rather than bring an unsafe partner into their lives, rather than a clean home, good food and violence. I am not trying to offend, but your defensiveness to this post I think indicates you have doubts about your mothering, and perhaps a part of that doubt is well-placed, given your choice of partners.
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Thanks, Grace. I did use statements of I. None of my experience could be yours vtgirl. I lived on eggshells everyday of my childhood, during this period. Grace, got my point. I'm not saying you're a neglectful mother at all. In fact, I only wish my mother or someone had the insight and courage vtgirl has, to bravely share this with others, and reach out for help.
I use "I" Statements. It is not meant to infer anything towards you vtgirl. I do believe children (like I was.) are little emotional sponges. They see and feel and sense much more than we think they do. I'm sorry, if you thought I was admonishing you. I just believe in Cause and Effect. I know, because my life struggles, are a result of it. My story is probably extreme. It is a result of Alcohol and abuse. I believe that both progress, if not treated.
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