Codependency Support Group

bella, my heart goes out to you...I too have an 18 year old who I worry about...

What helps me, is that I tell myself, you have tried to give her the tools she needed, in order to be self sufficient.

I am codependent. I worked very hard to not enable my kids to be "mental cripples"...I'm sure I was not perfect at that....

...and that's the part that worries me, about them....

When I wiped their ass, beyond when I should have been wiping it, when I was "room mom" so that my kids didn't suffer the way I did, not having mom's support...all the things I did, so that I wouldn't be in pain, because of my childhood experiences....

...that is the stuff that I worry about...

When you say, "because of her lifestyle"...to me, that is very telling...she is not responsible for how you act or react....it sounds like you put your unstable behaviour, on your kid....it is not our children's job, to act in a certain way, so that we, the grownup, feel comfortable.

She didn't "take you to raise"....you are her mom....not her victim....

Everytime my daughter leaves the house, I say the serenity prayer....

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change..

The courage to change the things I can...

And the Wisdom to know the difference...

This prayer helps me so much in so many situations where I THINK I have control, but of course, I do not...

What can you do? Go to Al-Anon and learn how to deal with your daughter's addiction. She needs you.

I have had sister in laws that bitch about my brothers, ad nauseum, and they have the right...they have been bastards....

..but they refuse to take ownership for their part, or won't take any action to understand or change the way they react to their addiction....by attending meetings....reading, learning and owning your own emotions....Just my opinion.

God bless you...I feel you...it is hard, but I promise you, there are solutions....focus on yourself...

I ehco BP's compassion. I lost my beautiful 17 year old daughter to methamphetamine, a violent heroin-addict boyfriend and the streets and motels of Los Angeles for ten years. During that time, I was able to live my life with peace, joy and serenity, even though I shed many tears for her, and gratitude when the phone at home did NOT ring with news of her death, but really would not have expected anyone to call me, because she had sold, lost, given up her belongs by that time and did not even carry a drivers license. I turned her over to God and loved her with all my heart from a distance. When I discovered she was stealing my money, my things and selling for drugs, every dollar I gave her, (she even stole my car once), I had to put my home and my personal life off limits to her. I let her hit her bottom and put her like a kitten in God's hands. That allowed me to have no resentment over the choices she made, and eliminated the possibility of any resentment over her not accepting my help, because I had learned not to offer her any at this point in her life, except information about the closet women's shelter and recovery center.

She called me three years ago and told me she was ready to get clean and sober and come home. I heard that commitment in her voice, and she did indeed get clean and sober. She is an active member of NA, sponsors other women, works with her sponsor weekly, has her own apartment and supports herself 100% by working full time, as she finishes science pre-requisites for veterinary medicine school. My Al-anon and CoDA program kept me minding my own business, which left me space to let her mind hers, and love her at the same time..

This reply is to bitemepa: It sounds to me that you have a little bit of anger problems. Also, you either did or did not enable your children. You said you didn't then when on to make comments that you did. I never said I did not enable my daughter. Knowing now what that means I know I enabled her. I am doing much better today with that. I am definitly not perfect but I am getting there. My question is this: your response was all over the place that it is a bit confusing. What does my daughters lifestyle have to do with me? These issues came on about 5 years ago when her father abandoned her once he remarried. I never said or insinuated that she is responsible for how I deal with things. Also, considering what I have been through my way of dealing with things could be a lot worse. I have managed to take care of my other 2 children just fine. I also never said that I expected her to act in a certain way. Hmm, I apologize for not wanting her to be a prostitute, a stripper, an alcoholic or a drug abuser. I am sorry if that upsets me. Or makes me "uncomfortable" as you stated. I came to this site for advice regarding what works for other people so I too can get through this like so many others. I had to read your reply several times to make any sense of it. It is like 2 people wrote it. If you are going to rip me apart I would appreciate it if you would not reply to me. I know what I have done wrong and was told it is never too late to change things. That is why I joined this site. I would like to thank Grace1954 for her support for me...

Hello, dear Bella. As a mother in a similar situation with a child I love so much, I do understand your pain. I say we walk the razor's edge. Is what we do thoughtful, or is it enabling? I know that how I feel should not be governed by the child's actions, but how do you tell your hand to stop trembling, or your heart to beat slower, or your tears to stop falling?

I have found a wonderful place that helps me to learn how to set boundaries, and understand how to make better choices. It is called Celebrate Recovery. It is like secular 12 step programs in some ways, but it is based on the Beatitudes, and faith is involved in order to let God have the control of things that we certainly don't have under our control.

I'm learning, and I still make plenty of mistakes every day. But there is no criticism or hateful put-downs. If I make a bad choice about how to handle an issue, I have consequences...just as my son has for his bad choices. It is a safe place for me learn and seek recovery in this sometimes invisible thing (to me, not others watching me) called being codependent.

You can go to Celebrate Recovery through Saddleback Church on-line. I hope this helps a bit, as we are all still learning, and we're free to make mistakes as we learn.

Bless your Mother's heart today.

Dear Mimipie,

Thank you! You really understand where I am coming from. The hardest part is trying to get your hand to stop trembling or your heart from breaking or your mind to stop wondering "is she/he ok" or making the a phone call to find out if they are ok and I could go on forever. That is the part I can't seem to get through. Especially when my daughter is a sweetheart, She is a wonderful person who really has a big heart. Her mental health problems get in the way of her making healthy safe choices. I really have come a long way with this but can't seem to get past the one big step that I know I have to take. Thank you so much for really hearing me. I will be looking into "celebrate recovery" . I am really excited to talk to you and can't thank you enough.
Bella

my mom does this for my brother..hes a addict on herioun..hes 37..and BASIC going threw the same things as you are..but shes already lost 1 son my brother..im the oldest never done the stuff..my brother overdosed 13 yr past friday..i guess there is stopping point..but the hell if i know ???when it comes to your kids life just dont seem right..and its not..i aways would think my brothers new mom was almost 70,.and just cant be a enabler anymore..so im off the subject but i wanted you to know your not alone..thanks

Al Anon will def help bella...you will be with people who live your nightmare, and share your experiences, strength and hope, to find how to detach with love...and take care of yourself. Def not easy, but it works.

My daughter frustrates me every day in every way...she is also emotionally ill also...and it is a challenge for me each and every day, to not resent her...she can be so cruel sometimes....

At least for today, right at this moment, she is at a counseling session, and has just refilled her RX...so for this moment, I know she's safe...so I'm grateful to have this moment.

I will share an experience with you about a miracle that happened for me one night...

I was engaged to my now husband, he is a regular joe, I was his second girlfriend ever, home every night type...one day he left word for me at work, that he was going out after work...very typical thing...no biggie....but I "felt" this horrible gloomy, sick feeling after I read the message...I couldn't put my finger on it, but I had a sense of something...he called me later that night and asked me to pick him up because he was drinking...he needed a ride and I said no...I don't know why I did, becaus that wasn't like me at all...a very atypical thing for me, because I can be a "rescuer"...controlling the situation so I can quell my anxiety by picking him up...

...after I hung up with him I still felt this impending doom, sick stomach, anxiety...really debillitating feeling....

I was new to the 12 step program and used the tools I learned....I said the Serenity Prayer "so hard"...and cried, and a peace came over me, that I never felt before, ever.

I was a very, very jealous person...I was cured of my jealousy that night...realizing to my core that I had NO CONTROL over what he did, no matter what...

...for some reason and by the Grace of God, I "got it" that night...and that kept me going back to meetings...that was over 20 years ago...and it is one of the pivotal moments in my life...AA suggested I wait for the miracles, and I did (I'm def not a "joiner" so another atypical behaviour)

As an aside, he then fiance' did "pick up a chick" and caught a very undesirable...let's just say, illness. God works in strange ways....(lol).

I feel ya. God bless you....

I love you Bitemepa, but I don't think the Serenity Prayer requires us to not object when our partner cheats on us, or that feeling hurt about infidelity means we aren't working a program.

I wonder what your life would have been that night, if you had decided that you deserved someone who respected himself and you enough to be faithful to you and you said goodbye at that point.

As a recovering codependent, I know I have to be careful not to use my program to justify remaining in a harmful situation too long, praying for peace and serenity to not react to the harm coming toward me.

Would you do something different today than you did 20 years ago in response to this situation?

No Grace, you misunderstood....I had no evidence that night, but an uneasy, anxiety...when I finally found out about it, 2 months later, we worked thru it....put off our marriage for another year, and got married.

Being a big "cheater" myself, and having to set a date where I wouldn't cheat anymore from that day forward, afforded me the humility to forgive him....I was the professional cheater, not him...(the poor bastard had two relationships his whole life, one for 10 years and then me...we got married when we were 29...the one thing I never worry about with him, is cheating...he's too chicken!)

The cheating is a non issue...my detachment and peace from something I had no control over THAT NIGHT, was my point, as bella said how do you not think about it (her daughter using, being unsafe etc)....(to that effect)...

I was sharing my experience, strength and hope...

...but I am glad Grace, that you have finally heard me when I warned against using your knowledge of codependency as an acceptance to the unacceptable....doesn't apply in this case.

I did not finally hear you....BP. I have understood for many years that concept, but as you said about you, it doesn't apply in my case, in this relationship. At least, my HP has not seen fit to lead me to that conclusion at this point.

It is however, something I am conscious of daily, and continue to ask my HP for guidance. So far, the message I am getting is that I have more work to do in this marriage, so that's why I am here. It is getting better, but in order for that to happen, I have had to let go of my anger, my frustration and my need to "be right".