Codependency Support Group

beautiful!

I love to read about that. It is so powerful when we decide to change our ways.

What can I say for myself...hmmm...

ahh, just a little thing is figuring out and expressing my preferences. For example, I had lunch with a friend yesterday, and instead of just following him around and doing/eating whatever he was, I took a minute to check in with myself and suggested things that I was interested in. That is a small thing, but a big thing at the same time. It felt really good to be an equal partner in negotiating things, I felt happy, powerful, and whole.

I'm also trying to be honest when people ask me what I think about something, instead of saying what I think they want me to say. That one is hard for me! Mostly that's been a mindfulness thing so far, where I just notice that I'm doing that, and wonder what I would have said if I was honest. I know that'll lead to changes eventually.

Ooh! The one I'm most proud of, is that I've been dancing lately, and for the first time, I'm giving myself permission to not dance with anyone I don't feel like dancing with. There have been a few different men who followed me around continuously, obviously trying to get me to dance with them, and I got "bad vibes" from them and had no interest in engaging with them. Normally I'd think; "oh, don't judge and be mean, give them a chance," etc. But I've noticed that any time I've danced with someone I had a bad feeling about, I've regretted it. So now I just ignore them completely and just turn around and dance away. I don't owe anybody anything, I have a right to my own space. :)

Thanks for starting this thread! It feels good to acknowledge these things! I hadn't realized I was doing a good job. I'm proud of myself :)

Greeeeaaatt examples vibrant...

My bad today...I "slipped" codependently and made my husband "a plate"...

...in other words...I learned to stop serving him while he watched TV, without any acknowledgement or appreciation from him about a year ago...

...I did it in baby steps...I made dinner and called him for dinner, to "pick up" his made plate, then....I went

... to calling him for dinner and allowing him to make his own plate...and then

....to not making dinner at all....unless he asked me to...or if I asked him, do you want me to make dinner, I waited for his response and honored it...

But tonight, the cody bug bit me...when I least expected it...

...he was sitting very dispondent and pitiful looking, very pitiful...

so I "bit the bait" and asked, do you want me to make dinner and he kind of said yes...

....I "thought" he needed some loving care, so I made him dinner, made his plate and delivered it to him....

For my husband, that is a sign of weakness, not a loving act, and I do know this from experience, but still I did it....again.

I asked him if he enjoyed it, (another "slip" for me because he never, ever will thank me or praise me for dinner)....yet I "trolled" against all of my better judgement and experience....

...and he said yes, and then I saw his dinner in the garbage, later tonight....that was his message to me...and I received it, loud and clear....again.

So I "slipped" today...but the good news, I realized my mistake, and will do better tomorrow...progress not perfection...

Love the stories about loving ourselves. BP, have you considered leaving a man you won't sleep with, wont' cook for and can't resolve conflict with?

I mean, you and I have been around the block with relationships and recovery and don't you think at some point, you say, I want the benefit of my recovery in the joy of my relationship with my partner?

I totally respect your choices, but I think truly (and I am looking in the mirror here), that we use our "understanding" of codependency as a form of denial that in truth, we are staying in harmful situations too long.

I have been in too many loveless relationships for way too long to allow myself to be comfortable staying around a toxic person in the same house. If the man is toxic, and I have worked a program and given it my best shot, I have to ask myself, what part of recovery am I missing that I am willing to make a choice to be unhappy in the most important relationship I have, once my children are grown. Where are you with this, if you don't mind me asking?

Yesss, progress not perfection, love to hear that, love to see making a mistake and still loving the Self, that is a biiig thing for me, ahhhh, thank you for sharing it.

Great questions Grace....

I don't know if you know Dr. Laura, but I totally bought into the "ownership" of "I picked him...", which was her "philosophy"...why should the kids suffer....

I tried all, of course, marriage counseling, many, many times....you name it, I did it...I am not a "quitter" which gets me in trouble sometimes....

But this part is HUGE!

...I only, just since this past December, ackowledged to myself and one other person, that I am allowing abuse....before that I studied his "personality" type so I could understand and not take him personally...that's what I always was doing...

...working on how I reacteed to him....

But once I acknowledged what I allowed...last year, I came on here, and said, I am working towards leaving him...and I've been doing that all this year...

I feel lucky really, because I am engaged with him now....I am "in the fire"....I just simply started putting how he affected me, first...rather than being such a "sport"...

I am so much stronger and not angry anymore...the covertness of this type of abuse is hard to see...I always used to ask myself, "is he doing this on purpose?" I searched for years for an answer...and finally was validated in Phys and Emotional... by sooo many women...

...and every day since, I've been working towards that goal...

He still tries to play his games, but I call him on it, when I see it, when I'm mindful of it....every single time...I used to be afraid of hurting his feelings....now I just tell him, "I know what you're doing, and it doesnt' work anymore"....I shed light on his stealth, covert abuse...I tell him that too....

Anyway, a work in progress.....for whatever it's worth....

That's so honest and courageous. Good for you. My heart is with you on this journey of freedom.

I really liked reading about this concrete example of changing behavior. I am looking forward to not living with someone who made my life so unmanageable and used 3,000 forms of toxic manipulation. Now, I can begin to be mindful...I can think! I want to practice new behaviors with my kiddos. You guys give me lots of hope.

Thanks for your support Vibe and Grace...and Heather......I am so glad you are here....

it took me a shift in perception... to start to get a grasp on this aspect of my life...

..I'm still working thru that new perception...it is so new to me, it is WORK (my brain fries sometimes...exhausting),but it's getting easier as it becomes my new reality....

Many, Many, baby steps, and I mean BABY STEPS...

last March, I started with ...

...getting out of bed, going for MY cup of coffee, and not allowing myself to be distracted by my own codependent thoughts of "should I get him a cup of coffee?" or, seeing my daughter on the way to the coffee pot and asking her if she wants tea?"...or asking my son, "did you have breakfast?"...that was a long ass walk!

Very simple, but not easy...at least for me...

Now, I "automatically" go and get my coffee...(by the way, no one of the examples I gave "did this to me"...I "did it to myself"...and guess what, they SURVIVED!)

It's good to write this today, because I remind myself of the progress I've made...by the Grace of God...helping make those baby steps....

'A Course In Miracles' defines a "miracle" as a shift in perception. It says, "Miracles are everyones right, but purification must come first." All of the baby steps have taken you through purification. A cleansing of body, mind & spirit. There is a learning from miss takes. Things are holding lessons and being adhered to. What was once considered as 'dire straits' has relinquished its power.

There are no small miracles, they are all equal in their importance.

Perception is a choice of what you want yourself to be; the world you want to live in, and the state in which you think your mind will be content and satisfied. It choses where you think your safety lies, at your decision. It reveals yourself to you as you would have you be. And always it is faithful to your purpose.

Thanks for the in spirit ation.

I agree McFriend...a slight shift in perception on just one thought, created so many changes for me this past year...thanks...