What is Codependency
A "codependent" is loosely defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for other people's struggles.
Codependency advocates claim a codependent ...
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After going back and for in text message yesterday. Me feeling bad for hurting him and guilty because he told me he trusted me and now I hurt him he decided last night that he wanted to make peace.
I called him back this morning to hear what he had to say and he just went over how he was hurt and doesn't trust me. That I knew when I got involved with him again that he had just gotten a good therapist who was gettting to the bottom of things (3 weeks) for him. I usually don't stand up for myself and I take his crap and feel guilty and see how I've been wrong etc. etc. and he sits there telling me all about it. I told him, his anger and aggression pushes me out and then he says sorry (sometimes) and then does it again and again. I also told him that it was also his choice to get back involved with me so why are you making me responsible for your actions. I said in those moments you aren't emotionally available and you are reacting to me with anger no matter what. He said oh like it's every day- come on...I said don't put words in my mouth I didnt' say it was everyday but it's most times I approach you about how I feel. He said something about me hurting him by pulling me in and pushing him out and i said, well you've been hurting me all along by the way you talk to me. He said, "you know--you are sicker than I thought. Isn't that a little dramatic?" I said, "I'm done, you are not nice to me, I have to go" and hung up the phone on him. I started to cry. I thought-- he is so mean to me and this is love? Then I got angry and said to myself, bull shit--I had enough. Go date 50 women I don't care, let you be their problem not mine. I'm glad I made the decision I made. I just need a little support at this time-- " Posted on 11/05/09, 09:11 am |
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I support your desire to have a healthy relationship. I support your choice to refuse to hold your boyfriend responsible for your pain. I support your willingness to get help for your own emotional blocks before you try to fix your boyfriend's emotional blocks.
I support your asking for help from a professional, preferably one with an understanding and appreciation of recovery work through the 12-steps. I support you becoming willing to not have any discussions with you boyfriend about how he hurts you, until you have thoroughly understood how you hurt yourself and him by what you do. I support your willingness to find the part of you that you abandon everytime you get hurt and blame your boyfriend for your feelings of anger, disappointment, rage, confusion and fear. This is about you getting well, not about transforming your boyfriend into someone who will never do things that cause you pain. If you find the willingness to look inside and take your pain to someone who can help you see where it comes from (your history), and become willing to heal your little girl inside, I know you will find the happiness and joy you seek, with or without any guy in your life. 
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Why Grace, am I not getting your response fully?
I didn't blame him. I don't deserve to be told I'm sicker than he thought and that I'm being a little dramatic about him hurting me. Why am I not getting it? He's not being responsible for his actions and blaming me for his pain. How much is there to tolerate from someone? I don't deserve to be treated this way. I tell him how I feel and what I need from him, and he tells me I'm too sensitive or dramatic. I believe I take on my responsibility and his as well and that has not been healthy to do. I'm not trying to change him or fix him anymore. I was telling him how I was hurt too just like he was. He's acted all innocent throughout this entire relationship and I have been examining myself for being at fault for most of the wrongdoings. I don't know what else to say. I'm confused.
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He is emotionally abusive and emotionally unavailable and you are codependent - deadly combination. I think what Grace is trying to say is you need to focus on you and not on his behavior. Figure out why what you say "hurts" you does. We can only be responsble for our own actions and how we "let" someone affect us. Also, no one can "hurt" you emotionally, unless you let them.
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Oh, I thought Grace was saying I did the wrong thing by saying, I had enough, I need to go, good bye. I saw it for what it was at the time and I'm not going to tolerate it anymore. I'm done, it's about me now.
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Yes, that's what I meant. You were asking for support, and in giving support, its important to me that I not give support that can be interpreted to encourage you to see yourself as a victim. If this man's behavior is unacceptable to you, then get out. My sponsor always tells me, that if I am in a relationship with someone, I get to tell them once how a certain behavior is affecting me. If it continues, I have the choice to accept it (without trying to change it, complain about it or punish the other person for it), or to find it to be unacceptable and leave. I don't get to stay and be victimized or stay and victimize the other person for their unacceptable behavior. That leaves me entirely responsible for the quality of my life. I can't stay and blame it on someone else.
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Thanks for clarifying Grace,
I wasn't looking for nor did I feel like a victim. I felt pretty strong for standing up to him when I realized I had enough. I'm not going to tear him apart either. His behavior wasn't and hasn't been about me all along. I wish him the best I'm sure he'll find his way. We have no reason to further discuss what has happened. It's really been crazy. I'm a little sad though. I'm sure I'll have better days than others but as time goes on ultimately-it'll all be better. Now it's about focusing on myself and my recovery and for that I'm hopeful.
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