What is Codependency
A "codependent" is loosely defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for other people's struggles.
Codependency advocates claim a codependent ...
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Last night I went to therapy and she asked me if I feel safe with him. I told her no--he scares me. He invalidates my feelings and talks aggressively and strong and I shut down. Not to mention--he mimics me and makes fun when I talk and calls it playing--like he's not listening to me and then, I don't want to talk at all. I think and it's annoying and I get mad. My therapist convinced me that I can't meet anyone elses needs until I learn what mine are and how to meet them myself.
She also said I can't see the good qualities in him and he doesn't bring out the best in me because I don't know what my good qualities are myself and I need to find that out first. I don't even know what that all means right now. So today I told him I need to put the relat on hold. He said he's not doing it anymore, the push and pull. After I thought about it, I said, would you consider in time therapy together? he said "You don't get it. I trusted you again and believed I wouldn't do it again and here we are". Now what do I do? I don't know how to work it and stay together and when things get challenging while being together I do think of running because I can't change him and then I start thinking, "am I settling for less than I deserve here", "what if my self-esteem was higher I wouldn't put up with this", etc. etc. I fear missing him. I fear realizing he was the best thing that ever happened to me and I just didn't see it at the time because I was so scared and unsure of myself and didn't know how to work things out. Today, I couldn't get hold of him this morning--its not like him to not answer his phone. I gave it an hour and nothing. I called in work late, went to drive to his house to see if he's okay cause I thought between what he learned in therapy last night and us being on shakey ground. he could've done something irrational and I couldn't just go to work and make like nothing. I was scared. He finally called me back and I told him I was so scared. His response was, in an aggressive tone, Isn't that a little extreme? He was angry. He couldn't tell me he was and said he wasn't. I thought, how insensitive--I was worried/scared something happened to him and he gets mad at me. Ugh!!!!!!!! What do I do now? He said he's hurt and doesn't want to talk about it anymore today. " Posted on 11/04/09, 07:11 pm |
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I am not in a position to agree or disagree with the professional opinion of your therapist but I can relate to learning to love yourself before you can achieve a positve, loving, committed, relationship with someone else. Your therapist is focusing on you, not trying to analyze your man.
However, I commend you for having the courage to put the relationship "on hold". And, I might add, I don't think he's good for you. Through counseling and learning more about the whole enchilada of codependency, you can learn to be less effected by others' opininons of you and how they treat you. And, you will learn to walk away from toxic relationships. Good luck with your work. There are good posts in this SG and lots of people to encourage you. 
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After going back and for in text message yesterday. Me feeling bad for hurting him and guilty because he told me he trusted me and now I hurt him he decided last night that he wanted to make peace.
I called him back this morning to hear what he had to say and he just went over how he was hurt and doesn't trust me. That I knew when I got involved with him again that he had just gotten a good therapist who was gettting to the bottom of things (3 weeks) for him. I usually don't stand up for myself and I take his crap and feel guilty and see how I've been wrong etc. etc. and he sits there telling me all about it. I told him, his anger and aggression pushes me out and then he says sorry (sometimes) and then does it again and again. I also told him that it was also his choice to get back involved with me so why are you making me responsible for your actions. I said in those moments you aren't emotionally available and you are reacting to me with anger no matter what. He said oh like it's every day- come on...I said don't put words in my mouth I didnt' say it was everyday but it's most times I approach you about how I feel. He said something about me hurting him by pulling me in and pushing him out and i said, well you've been hurting me all along by the way you talk to me. He said, "you know--you are sicker than I thought. Isn't that a little dramatic?" I said, "I'm done, you are not nice to me, I have to go" and hung up the phone on him. I started to cry. I thought-- he is so mean to me and this is love? Then I got angry and said to myself, bull shit--I had enough. Go date 50 women I don't care, let you be their problem not mine. I'm glad I made the decision I made. I just need a little support at this time--
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