Codependency Support Group

Welcome to the site. I highly recommend reading Pia Melody's "Facing Love Addiction". Also, for great insightful reading, Harville Hendrix "Finding the Love you Want".

Both authors set forth a premise that we are attracted to certain people out of a groove in our "reptilian" mind, that has no conscience or morality, but acts like a computer to cue us when we run across someone who is a memory (similar to) of one or both of our parents or primary caregiver. That's why we wake up ten years after we marry and say, OMG, I married my dad.

So, best guess is that this guy taps into that non-thinking part of your brain and tells you you are "home'. Problem is that "home" wasn't very healthy. Our codependency kicks in and tells us a lie that this time around we can make "home" better. Of course, we cannot, because we cannot change the past or change anyone else. Recovery for me gave me a reprieve from this cycle, in that I was able to walk away from the past, focus on why I think I need to be punished or wounded some more, and gave me courage and integrity to take care of myself long enough until my compass could be calibrated. Now I see someone and feel the pull, I have some tools to remind myself, that just because something "feels" good in the moment, doesn't make it "good" for me; it only means its familiar.

Your program will help here. The process is the same, the addictive triggers are different.

Hi! I really appreciate your amazing input. It really makes sense to me actually. The one thing that doesn't parallel my life is that I was raised in an extremely stable and happy home. With that said, I started at the age of fourteen drinking and getting involved with older guys that weren't good for me at all. I've never been able to figure out why I was always such a mess since I didn't grow up in a negative environment. ANYWAY, it seems like I've gotten used to the same relationship pattern after all of these years. I'm in therapy and during my last appointment with my doctor, I realized that I believe that I'm not worthy enough as a person to be in a healthy and happy relationship. I have a lot of guilt about my behavior in the past. I think that I'm so flawed that I have to settle for someone that is equally as flawed. So, I finally had this breakthrough and yet, I'm still drawn to this guy. Ugh. Thank you so much for your comment (and for your book suggestions), it was extremely helpful in taking a deeper look at myself.

I have been going to CoDA meetings for quite some time and have heard others in meetings say they "grew up in absolutely healthy home environments with the perfect parents" ~ only to find out later, when they are well into the healing process that happens when you actively practice the 12 Steps and go to CoDA meetings ~ that there was actually quite a bit of dysfunction going on in the family! There does not have to be alcohol and/or drugs in order for there to be unhealthy family dynamics!

And...I think what happens sometimes is that we, as children, so want things to be "normal and happy" that we actually create stories that fit this description in our own minds. These "stories" become more real for us than the actual dysfunction that is happening and we carry our "stories" forward into adulthood - forgetting or "leaving behind" the Truth of what took place "behind the closed doors" of family life.

Something to contemplate.

Love and Light,
Raji

Hi Raji...I thought about what you said and I really think that I had a wonderful home life. My only complaint is that I had issues with depression that were undiagnosed. My parents now feel bad about that although they just didn't realize it at the time. With that said, my life outside my home was hell. Do you think that could have caused my codependency? I mean, does the dysfunctional relationships have to be within the family?

I don't think it makes much difference where our codependency started. What does help me is that when my codependency shows up, I take the time and energy to ask myself where this particular flavor or it showed up in my past. I understand that the trigger in the present was responsible for my current feeling (shame, anger, rage, hurt, disappointment, blame, etc.), but the source is rarely the trigger. The source is unresolved pain from something in my past. If I can figure out what that source is, I can address it by forgiving myself or someone else, making amends to myself or someone else, championing my little child who was hurt and needs comfort or maybe reaching out to ask a safe person to listen and comfort me.

In any event, the best advice I ever got about the past, is to look at it without staring. That keeps me firmly in the present where I can do something about whatever is troubling me.

I love that piece of advice (looking at the past without staring). I think that I try to minimize my feelings as well as my relationship with my bf. I know that's he's not healthy and that in turn, makes me sick as well. I was raped a couple of times in the past and I'm embarrassed about many of the things that I have done due to my addictions. I don't believe deep down that I deserve anybody better in my life. He doesn't judge me and it's comfortable. I can't believe anybody else in my life that says that they don't judge me since in the end, they always do. Always.

I read your last response with some interest, because I think that we attract into our lives the very kind of people who treat us the way we treat ourselves.

You said that everyone in your life judges you. In your last post, I think I heard you judge yourself negatively three times:

1) You see yourself as "sick"
2) You are embarrassed about the things in your past
3) You don't believe you deserve anybody better in my life

My experience before recovery was to attract men who thought I was "sick" too and took advantage of my vulnerablities, shamed me for my past and treated me as though I did not deserve to be treated respectfully. Of course, I taught them how to do that out of my own negative self-judgement. In recovery, I stopped seeing myself in those negative ways (with a lot of work and willingness to change), and no surprise, I started attracting men and women into my life, who saw me in the same healthier way.

Aiseirigh,
What does your recovery program look like? Do you go the AA or NA. My name is Mike and I'm an alcoholic & codependent. I use this site as a supplement to my AA program. Many of your symptoms you describe can be addressed by working the 12 steps of AA as they're laid out in the Big Book. I had a host of problems before and after putting down the drink. What helped me is: Go to AA, get a sponsor, find a higher power, work the steps and carry the message to the newcomer. By doing this I've had a spiritual awakening and the Promises have come true.

I RARELY let people into my life (especially guys). I have found that the "nice" guys that promise me that I can tell them anything or that they will ALWAYS be supportive of me if I fall are way worse than my bf. I know who my bf is and he's not going to lie to me about his feelings. I let a guy into my life recently that I really thought was different. I cared about him a great deal and he actually made me believe that he liked me too. When I screwed up, he totally bailed on me. I'm over it. I'm over him. I spoke to my AA sponsor today and she told me that I need to find a way to separate from my bf and focus on my sobriety. I'm beginning to think that she's right. Finally.

My Sunday coDA meeting has about half of the members who are also members in AA or NA. I recommend you check out CoDA. It deals directly with your relationship with yourself and others, beyond chemical sobriety. Some AA members share that it is thier CoDA program that actually keeps them sober, because the codependency issues (including resentment) are the first step toward relapse.