Welcome to the site. My experience is that before I joined
CoDA and
Al-anon, I thought the answer to my gut-wrenching loneliness was finding just the "right" guy who could fill me up, make me whole and I would be happy foreverafter. Combination of Snow White, Cindarella and the Princess and the Frog. Thank you Disneyland and The Grimm Brothers. Add a set of codependent parents who encouraged the same bill of goods ("find a good man and get pregnant") and a warped romantic Western culture ("I am nothing without you") and voila, flaming, destructive codependency.
In recovery, my paradigm shifted to a different and life-changing perspective. The truth is a) There is no hole in me; b) I am not too damaged to heal; and 3) joy comes from within, not from without.
Today I am a whole person, complete in myself, but always needing the healthy interaction and interdependency with others, which codependency destroys. My 12-step programs help me to look to the parts of my life which have become chaotic and unmanageable (e.g. serial monogamy); find a Higher Power with whom I can do business as a student in the arms of a loving teacher and best friend; and make choices that support my belief that I am worthy of love, joy and fulfillment in and out of a love relationship.
That helps me evaluate what people are healthy for me to talk with, work with and
sleep with; and I stick with those. Which means by the way, that occasionally, even with the man I love, my husband, I walk away from conversations that are hurtful, I make amends promptly when I am doing the hurting; and sometimes I play with someone else (e.g. go to a movie, a dinner, a play ) and sometimes, to maintain my own serenity, I
sleep in the guest bedroom. Today I demand respect of my partner, as I demand it of myself. I don't reward bad behavior that is thoughtless, rude or selfish, and I don't indulge that kind of behavior in myself.
My fairytale today still has the elements of joy, a good man and great excitement, but its no longer about "finding" the right man; its about being the "right" woman and the rest follows in due course.
