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How to get over being co-dependent
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I have been in a toxic r/s for 2yrs 3months and have realised that I am co-dependent. The r/s ended in June 2012, but he kept on trying to reconcile and things were getting very ugly. I eventually had to get a restraining order against him 2 weeks ago. I was very reluctant to do this to him, coz with everything that I have been thru with him, I realised that he had a tortured childhood and I did not want to hurt/abandon/reject him. The day we attended court, he went on his knees begging for forgiveness and for me to give him a chance and that he wants us to go for counselling. He even broke down in front of the judge. This has devastated me so much and I feel like just dying, the last thing I wanted was to get this order against him and to put him thru hell. Typical of being co-dependent, we always put other people first.
I feel so lost, empty, worthless. I feel I have nothing to live for. The crazy thing as well, is that I am MISSING him so much….. crazy really….I am losing it big time, how can I miss someone that has treated me so badly. There were lots of good times, he spent lots of time with me and was very loving, caring, attentive and humorous when he was good, and when he went off his rockers, he was verbally and emotionally abusive and obviously everything was my fault.
I want to change and become a better person, to become emotionally stronger, I need to get closer to GOD, but don’t know how to, I have been praying and trying to build up my self-esteem, but not sure if its helping. I need like a complete overhaul of my life. I am constantly sad, depressed, emotional and don’t know who I am anymore, each day I just feel worse than the day before. I am constantly on the internet reading and trying to find myself, but I feel like there’s a huge obstacle in front of me that I can’t seem to pass or don’t know how to pass it. I can’t seem to even let go of this r/s I was in, he is constantly on my mind.
I would really like advice from people that are co-dependent and have managed to overcome their co-dependency. How have ur’ll done it, any tips/advice would be greatly appreciated. I am seeing a Therapist, but we use to merely discuss the problem at hand, and now I am supposed to be seeing her to help me become emotionally strong, but with the festive season round the corner I don’t think I will be able to see her now, might only be in the new year….and I cannot wait so long, need to start doing something now to change and feel better about myself.
Posted on 11/22/12, 06:23 am
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Reply #1 - 11/22/12  8:02am
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Many people read this book....Codependent No More...any literature that gets you on the road to your recovery will work. You can even buy it used. It will enlighten and change your ideas
about life as you perceive it.

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself [Paperback]
Melody Beattie

For me, I had to stop thinking I thought I was helping everyone else and hurting myself at the same time. Groups are great, we have meetings everywhere. Excuses are easy for me, but in this case I'm glad I listened to the therapist. I went to the meetings. I learned that I was the problem. I needed to spend the time to "Fix Myself." I know today, I can't justify or make excuses for why my life isn't working. I know that my
"Stinking Thinking" has caused this. I let it, I forgive myself, return to being grateful for my Higher Power who taught me this method. I move on and Live My Life! Prayer helps, but the change in the perception of your reality must be yours. It's your recovery, your journey. If the road you have been on isn't working, why not look for a gas station and a map. "
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Reply #2 - 11/22/12  8:19am
"" title="" target="_blank">

This link will tell you where local face to face meetings are. "
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Reply #3 - 11/22/12  11:24am
" Be IN-dependent. This comes from self-love and self-actualization. For me, and I can't preach this enough, this comes from physical exercise. It's amazing what the body can do when it's pushed. The mind follows. Physical exercise changes my life for the better every time I do it.

Take a walk today! Engage all your senses! Breathe the fresh, chilly air! Listen to the noises! Look at the sky! Love is all around you, in nature, not just in the form of the person you were addicted to. Love it back. "
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Reply #4 - 11/22/12  11:36am
" Hi,

I think getting the book CoDependent No More is a good starting place. What about other friends and family for support? To start on recovery means taking the focus off of other people, and of trying to control other people, and putting the focus squarely on ourselves.

What I keep asking myself, especially if I am stuck about something, is "What do I want to do?" That is a lot different from what does X or Y or Z want me to do? And it is also different from "What do I think others think I should do?" or "What 'should' I do?" At least for me, when the word "should" crops up in vocabulary, it mostly relates to guilt.

Once in awhile, a "should" might truly be a responsibility, but I have found that for me, it is usually around someone else's responsibility.

The scene that you describe with him begging and carrying on in front of the court - well maybe at that point he sincerely meant it, but what about all the times he abused you? The first time it happened, where was the real remorse? Feeling sorry and saying I am sorry but then repeating the abuse over and over, that is not true remorse IMO. To me, it is just a way to try to shift the responsibility (to you), and manipulate into having things his way, and then continue doing what he was doing.

One of the most difficult lessons for me to learn and to accept on these boards is that we cannot change anyone else, even for the very best reasons or intentions. We do not have that kind of power. So, it is not your fault nor your responsibility to change him. All you can do it take on your true responsibilities, like to yourself and your children, and work on your responses to the best of your ability.

His issues are his to fix and change if he so desires. Love, a clean house, attention, blah, blah all of these things are not going to be the reason he changes. The reason he will change IF he ever wants to, is because he decides that he wants to.

Being a Co is tough. It is so hard to keep monitoring thoughts, knee-jerk behaviors, all of that. And sometimes it is frustrating. But the flip side is that most Cos are very kind, compassionate people.

It is a journey, IMO. I don't expect to get to the point where I am "recovered." But, I am definitely improving in my methods of coping and in dealing with people. You can, too.


Shar "
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Reply #5 - 11/22/12  12:42pm
" I also advice going to a CODA meeting & read (listen to audiobook) Codependent No More. I also advice getting therapy. If u can't afford it, do some research about free or low-cost therapy in your area (some universities offer free therapy). I did all these things & I also relapsed a few times. I remembered not to be hard on myself & just kept working on it. Eventually, I learned to apply all the things I learned to my actual life - knowing & actually doing it took me a while. I finally broke away. It was very hard in the beginning but with a lot of self-care, it got easier. I got healthy enough to actually meet other healthy people. Good luck to you & just remember to stay strong. "
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Reply #6 - 11/22/12  11:12pm
" I have been going through the same type of thing. I break up, he freaks and cries and doesn't want to go away. It sucks. BUT I do find that I love him and still care to make things work. I asked for space and to lighen things up. He actually went along with it, for like two weeks. ahha The thing I am finding is helping is that I am taking care of myself, i am journaling, reading books pertaining to all of this stuff, but also going to group meetings. Personally. I liked the Alanon better than the Coda meeting. The coda meeting was not my cup of tea. If you really still do love him and want to make it work the only way it can work is that you go through learning and making yourselves the best people you can be first. A little time away does a body good. If he can't allow you that, than he has a real problem with being addicted to you. But there is something behind all of that in him. Maybe both go to counseling. I evenentually told my bf that the only way I would get back together is if he searched out help too. He has been goingto meetings with me and its been nice. It hasn'tbeen long at ALL and it's already getting better. Baby steps. "

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