Codependency Support Group

Question: why would you want to pursue a long-distance relationship with someone who speaks to you disrespectfully, and then blames you for requesting respect? This is a recipe for disaster. If he talks to you that way now, it will only get worse with time, as he gets even more comfortable with your relationship. IMO this is a verbal abuser in the making. You have a right to be spoken to respectfully. If he can't even honor that simple request, then he will not honor any other requests you make of him in the future. And the longer you let it go on the way he speaks to you, the more it will become routine, and then you will just accept it. That's the problem with codependency - it makes us accept things we should know better than to accept. Stand up for yourself and walk away if he is not interested in treating you with respect. You deserve it.

Hi Cheryt,

I know I am crazy for going, but I am in love with this man and I want to see if we can make this work. I have made the decision that this is our last shot. If we can't work things out, I will be moving on. I have made an appointment with my therapist for the day I return from Austin. I figure I will need it no matter how things turn out. Thanks for you advice and support.

Good for you that you're seeing a therapist. Hope all goes well for you, but remember to demand the respect that we all deserve.

srtawise, I humbly suggest that you DON'T take the trip to see him. He already thinks you're trying to "control" him. In my experience, once someone says that (and sees how it hurts you and makes you back down) he'll say it for the rest of your life. Seriously. You could use this opportunity to make a clean break and start your withdrawls -- with your therapist firmly on board. You have a couple things in your favor -- there's physical distance (you two can't just hop in a car and drive across town to see one another) and it sounds like you don't have children together (which would warrent necessary communication). Please, re-read your email; I can tell that he's already hurt your feelings just DISCUSSING you going to see him. Or maybe you're like me - I had to get into an emotional "life or death" situation with my husband before I pulled back and chose myself over him. I don't know if it's like that for you. I hope it isn't. Whatever the case, please meet in public and be careful. These people aren't nice to us and they don't care if they hurt us - I don't want to hear you got physically hurt. Please be careful and let us know how it goes.

Hondadude,

Thanks for the advice, but I just landed in Austin. He would never hurt me physically, so please don't worry about that. I just need to see him again and tell him how I am feeling. If the respect can't come, then I need to go.

As an outsider, I'm trying to read both sides...maybe he has issues with being controlled...and you, are working on your codependency. So, try this when he does/says/behaves in a way that offends you or comes off harsh in tone - instead of saying, 'watch YOUR tone" (or something to that nature) leave it on you - something like 'my feelings are hurt, it seems to me that you're angry with me". Try a different approach with him and see if that makes his reaction different. Just a suggestion. It may work. :) I hope you have fun in Austin and I hope it goes well.

Thanks 2boyzmom,

I really appreciate your advice. I have been working on how I say things to him as my mouth often works independently from my brain. So far, the trip is going ok. Had a very long discussion last night and I did tell him that I could tell he was working on his delivery and that it made talking about things much easier. Hopefully, things will go well. If not, I know what I have to do.