Codependency Support Group

I think it's more like "I feel a lot more secure if someone needs me rather than just wants me." In my past, I lost just about everyone except those who needed me--they stuck around.

I, for one, have very poor social skills because I lived a sheltered life as a kid. Also, I originally came from Upstate NY, and up there people were very friendly and easy to meet. When I moved down here, people became so damn judgemental especially in the dating situation that it's become virtually impossible for me to make friends who WANT me around. But, if they NEED me, they'll keep me around.

I know this is not the ideal way of looking at things, but it is what I subconsciously do. Someone I've known for only a few weeks tonight told me that I seem to be the type looking to be a "caretaker." Very perceptive.

When I was growing up, my dad would rage over small things (or at least it was to me). He would then disappear into himself for a day or two.

I feared anger and confrontations because I felt if they were angry they'd leave like my dad.

Why I wanted to please him and the other males in my life so much...just to have the dad I once did...

As I understand it anger is a reactive emotion to something much deeper which is often fear of 'something'.
I know for me that I don't want to be needed, I want to be wanted but I OFTEN confuse the two however very different they are.
I am a caretaker, I'm a caretaker at my healthiest - it truly makes me feel good to make or provide something that makes another person feel good, feel special, feel all the positive things one can feel and nothing is expected in return and it is a beautiful thing when reciprocated - that is how I love AND I know I've crossed a boundary when I'm getting hurt and when my partner stops saying thank you and is expectant and even demanding...at that realization I should step back and stand at my boundary YET instead I do more, become more angry, begin to 'right fight', etc...for me it becomes all about if I can only love them enough, prove my love enough how would they ever NOT want me? That isn't in a narcissistic fashion, but more of a pathetic needy adult-child fashion.

My fear is that I'll never be good enough to for someone to commit to me the way i am capable of committing and I go about it all the wrong ways and I too often allow people in my world that only reinforce that negativity...so I try to people please, and it is never enough, and when i begin to set bounds, i am now a cold bitch...it as double edged sword and what I'm working hard at doing is to stop participating in the battle.

Your sense of self worth is tied up in the acceptance and approval of others.
Are you suffering from something or are you gathering information for an article or a book.
These are odd questions.

Well, for me it started when my father died when I was 9. That's where my abandonment issue and CoD started. I have endured some really horrible things to keep men from abandoning me. I am learning to not do that...AND through learning this, I have encountered a lot of anger of my own. So, I don't know if this makes sense...but I'm here, and I'm healing.

xo

These are rather odd questions in the way you are posing them.

Perhaps some people react diffently than others when they feel a sense of abondonment. To me its directly tied with my self esteem issues and that would not provoke anger but much sadness.

okay...the anger comes because that is an expression of our fear.....when we fear we have different emotional reactions.

and i agree to...no offense, but why keep asking the questions in different ways, probing for more information? i think some of the conversations have been quite intelligent..but it doesn't seem like you are asking these for advice for you or for support...it just seems like you want to draw information from us....no offense.....