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Did I say something wrong??
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I've chosen to obsess over a phone conversation I had a week ago with a former intimate friend. We had seen each other over a period of a few months. I had wanted to clarify my position, that it was a thing of the past and I said that I loved him, but I meant in the higher sense of the word, not romantic. This conversation was in Spanish, so I said that I loved him as I do all the loved ones in my life. I was clearing my past and making ammends. This person happens also to be a student in my class. Was this inappropriate? I had this conversation a week ago. He didn't show up to class last week. I didn't make a big deal about it, but now I'm obsessing that I said something wrong. I hate this feeling because I lose sleep and it gets in the way of my life, of being productive for me, so here I am at five in the morning, obsessing about this. Please help with your feedback. I don't want to call this person and clarify myself, but should I? Or is that falling into a pattern of worrying too much about what another person thinks and does it matter what I say? Am I trying to control outcomes?? What action or non-action should I take?
Posted on 10/16/07, 06:52 am |
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By what you explained here it does not sound that you spoke inappropriately at all. It seems that you were caring enough to be forward and absolute with him, especially since he is a student in your class today. If I were in your position I would do my best to let it go and not return to the topic with this individual. It is possible that his feelings were hurt but it is too possible that he missed class for some other reason. Continue to treat him as you would any beloved friend. 
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Thank you so much for your insightful words. It really grounded me back to me. I was ready to follow up with another conversation, but your comment about treating him as I would "any beloved friend" really came home to me. And with any beloved friend, I would let them be. Then the focus is on myself. After I read you comment, I felt a wave of relief and handed this over to my Higher Power. I am a recovering codependent who hit rock bottom about a month and a half ago, so I'm working on myself, but sometimes it's so hard. When I think I've conquered a particular behavior, it pops up outta nowhere again. But the good thing is that if I really pay attention to these patterns, I can grow from them tremendously...it is painful yet, but I'm getting stronger every day. Thank you again! Peace and Light to you!
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Oh, well I am glad they offered you some 'grounding'...
These things are always easier to 'see' from the outside. I too struggle with codependency and can identify HUGLY with believing you've kicked a certain behavior and then BAM, there it is again telling you to take the reigns! Smiles to you! Keep up the good work!
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I see two issues. Dating a student of yours - it is never good to mix the two. I'm not beating you up but suggesting you might want to define some boundaries. The Word Love means different things to different people and it means different things in different languages. It's always better to state the context of the relationship not the feeling.... I will always consider you a friend, I will always consider you as a confidant, I will always consider you a mentor. Or, I want you in my life as a friend, confidant or mentor.
As my professor in med school said to me, if your gut is talking to you, you already know the answer, you just don't like it.
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I agree that dating a student is not a good idea. He was not my student when I saw him, but he is now, after the fact. I did also state that he could consider me a friend, like a sister. The context in which I put "love" was as in the way I care for other loved ones in my life. I don't think he could've interpreted is as a romantic love. Thank you for your comments. I need to look at this from all angles possible. Peace.
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So if what you are saying is true... you should not be stressing. Perhaps, just perhaps he was looking for more in the relationship and is embarassed or hurt that you did not feel the same way.
I'd be cordial to him and not worry another minute about it.
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