Codependency Support Group

I guess I didn't even ask for advice then. I guess I am just sad. I am asking the group if maybe they have felt like this around abandonment? I guess I don't even understand when the very thing I wanted to happen (my partner to call me and check I was okay - inadvertantly reminding me that I wasn't being abandonded) actually made me feel worse???...this is all so crazy.

Hiya,

From my understanding abandonment issues are the most soul destroying if we don't know how to re parent ourselves. I have struggled with my inner rage when my partner doesn't call me when i want him to and sometimes it feels like i don't know what i really want for myself but i expect him to know what i want.

Through working the 12 steps with a sponsor and i'm working step 8 at the moment, i have been able to connect with my true self and look at what my real needs are. Healing my child within has been the most profound experience for me and i have so much love for her now.

Something my couples counselor said to me this week really helped me and it sounds like it relates to your post. It can be very confusing for us when we don't know what are needs are i.e we fear abandonment so we make our partners responsible for our feelings but we can never rely on anyone else for our happiness so nothing they do can fix us.

Sometimes we just have to accept that our partners won't be able to do the right thing by us because we don't even know what we truly want from them. At times when i'm angry with my partner i get mad if he gives me space when i'm angry and i get angry if he tries to sort things out as i am so confused by my feelings.

Acceptance of ourselves is where we need to concentrate, once we trust our own feelings we can trust others to be there for us without having to fix us.

Blessings and joy to you sweetie.

I echo Viv's words. Are you in a program of recovery, Hayes77? I see codependency as a lethal addictive process that will get progressively worse, if it is not checked and managed by a spiritual process, just as alcoholism or drug addiction becomes progressively worse, if abstinence with spiritual guidance is not in play.

Doing this on our own, is how we got here in the first place. Thinking that we can heal ourselves with the grace of a higher power and a diligent and ruthlessly honest program is part of the denial of codependency.

I know that left to my own devices, I will repeat and repeat the behaviors that brought me and those around me, pain and misery.
By working the steps and traditions of CoDA and Al-anon with a sponsor, I have been able to make healthy decisions in my daily life that nurture my relationships with those I love, rather than tear them down. Similarly, a program of recovery keeps me in touch with myself, helps me heal the wounds of abandonment and fear of intimacy, while I re-parent the little child within me who depends upon me to be the loving and wise parent I never had.

What are you doing on a regular daily basis to heal that child within you?

I meant to say:
"Thinking that we can heal ourselves WITHOUT the grace of a higher power and a diligent and ruthlessly honest program is part of the denial of codependency." I need a spell check on this site!

Thank you so much to both of you and your responses. I have some Al Anon material here and I found a tues night meeting that is close by. I don't know about Coda? I just don't know where to start I guess that's why I come online as I work full-time, travel 2hrs a day and have a three year old. I guess I don't know where to start. I do need a program though - this I know...

Al-Anon is a great place to start. Good for you.

Thank you so much for your support. It means the world. x