Codependency Support Group

Make it very clear to him that while he is living under your roof, there are certain parameters which he needs to respect and adhered to. Not only is the mj unhealthy for him, it is illegal too. Where I come from it is anyway. If he is unable to respect your wishes and persists in this destructive behaviour you will have no option but ask him to leave. Give him an ultimatum and then stick to it no matter what, he needs to know that you mean business. Good luck.

I had to ask my adult daughter to leave my home. I knew it was time for both of us to let her grow up and learn to take care of herself. I gave her a two month deadline, to be fair. When it was one month, I reminded her that I was going to expect her to be ready to leave in a month. When the month was up, I kept my word to myself. I asked her to leave and meant business. She knew it. She found her own place, and thanks me for it now.

My stepson has been out of the house for 2 years now and is not welcome to come back. It's a decision I will never regret, even though it nearly tore our family apart.

The best thing you can do for yourself and him is not to enable him. Set boundaries - PreppyMom is totally right on this score.

My stepson was using drugs - we only saw the tip of the iceberg while he was here - but the pot was the leading edge of a huge problem. Drugs took over his life for four years, two of which occurred under my roof when I married his dad. No one had any idea he was using before he moved in here.

He is a recovering addict now. However, his manipulation, destructiveness and dishonesty took years off my life, no kidding. I have a young child in the home and have huge regrets about the amount of energy and time I poured into trying to control him when she really needed me to be her mom. I have nothing but regret about that and try to live my life differently now as much as I can. My stepson is clean for the first time in his teen years and I can honestly say that my taking action was instrumental in saving his life - and I did that by not enabling him. What he does with his life from here on out is his deal, but he's an adult now and it's not up to me to make decisions for him.

In retrospect, my biggest regret is that I did not take action sooner to kick him out of the house. By taking care of him while he was using, I was enabling him by focusing on managing him - his addiction robbed me of my sanity.

I took back my sanity the day that I told his enabling, denial-ridden dad that he and his son would have to leave until he could manage his behavior and make it safe, healthy and appropriate to be around a young child and a mother.

Of course, I know you're probably scared to pieces, mentally ticking off all the things you fear and/or stand to lose if you do this. It's scary, but don't let that be a deterrent. Get yourself the support you need - because you'll need it no matter what he does, and you can't control him.

Please go to counseling and or Nar-Anon meetings. Their website is Nar-anon.org, and they have forums you might find helpful too. I can't tell you how much time I wasted because I didn't take care of myself sooner. You don't get these years back. Please take care of yourself first!

Thanks to everyone who has replied here. I am always surprised by the wisdom of what comes through this DS site.
I know what I have to do and that is be consistent, once I make my mind up to make him leave then stick with it.
My codependent ways presents itself in the form of being strong/determined followed by let things be.
I know I cannot control him it is futile to try. The hard part is booting him out especially when he is communicative and pleasant to be around. When he is being horrible it is easy to want him out.

I love this thread as well. The other thing that comes to mind is that with an adult child in the home, especially one in trouble, it becomes imperceptibly easy to start substituting that child for a partner, robbing the child of his responsibility to make his own life with a more suitable, age appropriate and role-appropriate woman (in the case of mother and son) and precludes an opportunity for the adult to maintain the status quo to avoid also finding an age-appropriate, role-appropriate partner. Adult sons need wives to be the primary woman in their lives, not their mothers.

I married one of these adult sons who maintained a close relationship/living arrangement with his mother into his forties, and I can absolutely confirm that his most comfortable role is being a son to me and expecting me to be his mother. The ramifications on our sex life, our ability to converse as equals, our ability to problem solve and resolve conflict and our ability to take mutual responsibility for the health of our marriage are enormous and may not be able to be repaired. Serious stuff.