Codependency Support Group

You have to decide what you want. Do you want to try to have a healthy, loving and intimate relationship with an addict or not. If you don't, the answer is clear. If you think you can have an intimate realtionship with an addict, then you aren't yet convinced that is not possible.

The only real question for you, in my opinion, is this: Are you willing to try to have an intimate relationship with a person who is addicted to something else? If the answer is yes, then get back together. If the answer is no, then keep away.

Gotta love the vague-ness. All too familiar. Vague-ness means they can avoid the truth without "actually lying." Makes it easy to back out and then say they never said that. Ugh, the "sweet and humble" phase, in my opinion with my ex, is all just part of the show that gets them what they want. You have to have bait to set a trap. I totally know how you feel, how you're doubting yourself and thinking you're "prude" or over-reacting. But you know it's not true. Remember what you've been through trying to live with him, and why you decided not to do that anymore. Stay connected to yourself, what your needs are, what you want in your life, what your values are. If you have journaled about it, reading over your journals could help. And then see if being with an addict that's sort of willing to sort of work on himself fits with that. Sorry if it's too sarcastic, I'm still pissed at my own ex. Love and strength to you, sister.

What exactly is it about him having this "habit" that stops you from being with him heart and soul?

I guess that's a good question. We are talking about him smoking pot, right, not cigarettes??? (You know, the mind-altering, motivation-depleter, emotional numbing substance?)

What you are describing is classic addict/enabler behavior: Has your husband ever heard of DENIAL? Minimizing the extent of the problem, is a form of denial....and of course, he's being sweet and charming right now, he's trying to manipulate you into what he wants....as soon as he (would) get it, would he still be sweet and charming? (probably not) Of course he uses the word "habit" because again, it minimizes the extent of the problem, (addiction)
Remember, what he promises, is NOT the same as a guarantee....that is also part of his manipulation tactics to get what he wants....if he is an adict, he most probably has no intention of following through on what he's said to you. He may even make an effort to start, just to "prove" to you that he means it.
As Dr. Phil says, the best indicator of future behavior, is past behavior....and by that he means, that when someone has driven their lives (and by default, your life, too) into the ditch, (which usually takes a while to happen) they need to prove to YOU that they have recovered, and mean what they say. Make HIM earn your trust, not the other way around.
The issue that brings up for you, is your dependence on him. Those are your issues (and whatever other issues there are that make you feel insecure and willing to take him back at this point in time) that you need to deal with, while you wait and see what he does with his. Make him earn it. Don't give yourself, and your trust back for free or at a low price, or on time-payments.....you ARE WORTH THE EFFORT IT TAKES FOR HIM TO DO WHAT HE NEEDS TO, TO RECOVER. If he is not willing or able to do that, then you need to be willing and able to move on without him if it comes to that.

PS -- I was also going to recommend one of my all-time favorite self-help books called, interestingly enough, "Boundaries" by dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. There is a workbook you can get to go along with it, if you want to. I've read the book but not with the workbook....although I know it will be even better when I do.

Not everybody who smokes weed finds it to be a motivation-depleter, emotional numbing substance. Many hugely succesful ppl have a odd spliff without any negative consequences. Which is why I asked margiesfriend the following question:

" What exactly is it about him having this "habit" that stops you from being with him heart and soul? "

Thank you all for your good thoughts and difficult questions. You all reinforce what I already know - and helped define it in more detail.

His "habit" keeps me from loving him because of his disconnect - because, as one wise woman in the SG said, "he beomes a ghost"., because, as another member said, he is altered. Thank you for helping me see it more clearly.

He insists he can control his habit of smoking pot (yes, marijuana is his drug of choice - he does not do other drugs as far as I know), and has, in recent dialogue, downplayed its importance while emphasizing my importance in his life.

I re-stated yesterday what I'd said before; that I could not be with someone who uses marijuana. Period. I've tried to see shades of gray but in his case he is using to mask many problems.

Thanks again. I appreciate all the kindred spirits here very much. Peg

If he is "ghostly" or "disconnected" or "altered" I would imagine it to be very difficult. Not all users are like that.

Some women, who love men who use mj have had to compromise, to realise that not all in life is perfect, neither are we. Sometimes we have to take the rough with the smooth And for some women who are married to a man who uses mj, our marriage vows are for keeps, we stand by our man, no matter what.

Besides the most glaring fact: it's an illegal substance! Co-depents/Enablers put themselves at not only emotional risk but legal risk.