Cocaine Addiction & Recovery Support Group

Ok I guess I still want to talk cause here I am again. I've slept and I'm not high anymore but I feel like shit. Today is my 48th birthday by the way. I cooked some sliced up hotdogs and eggs for breakfast cause that's all there was in the fridge. That's kind of funny in a way that's really not funny. In three months I have spent about $15,000 on crack. My bank account is drained and I have about 75 bucks left to get through the next week. I guess I will share a little about my background. I grew up in the drug and "grunge" culture of Tacoma Washington. When I was a teenager, everybody I knew smoked pot, ate acid and mushrooms, snorted coke and speed, we were all up for whatever the flavor of the week was. It's what all the "cool kids" were doing. My ex-wife still smokes pot every day. Has since she was a teenager and hasn't ever stopped. In a way, I think it's a lot easier for kids to stay clean these days. The pressure is exactly the opposite now. Now days the "cool kids" are the ones with a future. Good jobs and nice things are where it's at. The ones we used to call nerds, jocks, and goody goody's. In my youth they were the minority. Kids who use drugs now are socially sanctioned by the majority of their peers rather than "high fived." They are encouraged to make the right choices rather than the wrong ones. I grew up in a generation very uneducated about drug use. So, unfortunately, most of us found out first hand if we had an addictive personality disorder. And clearly, regretfully, shamefully, disgustingly, that is exactly what I have. Don't get me wrong here, I'm just talking ok? I'm not trying to play the blame game. Not trying to feel sorry for myself or make anyone else feel sorry for me. I guess I'm just sharing my thoughts and trying to understand why I am the way I am. I would like to know why I am so determined to tear down everything I have worked so hard to build. All of the relationships with my family that it took years of proving my sincerety and conviction over and over to repair. The dream job that I had to psych myself up for and spend a month repeating "you're worthy of this. Go get it." to myself before I went to the interview. Right now I'm in the best position I have ever been in my life. And I'm in the worst. Because I have more to lose now than I ever have before. And that seems to be exactly what I am determined to do. It could happen at any moment really. I could get busted buying dope. I drive a company vehicle and if someone so much as backs in to me in a parking lot I have to take a mandatory drug test. In the last three months, collectively there has been maybe five days I could actually pass one. So you see, I'm not just flirting with disaster, I'm having an affair with it. Anyway, I just want to thank whoever created this forum for giving me a place to vent and share the thoughts that anywhere else I must keep to myself. I really don't expect any responses, and that's ok. I just needed to put some of this down. I don't know what's going to happen. But I do know it's not going to be good if I don't cut this shit loose and find my way back to myself again.

Hi, my ex fiance is a cocaine addict, the distruction he has caused has yet to hit him, he has lost alot so far but an ex girlfriend of his has picked him up & paying his mortgage & covering up for him so it might be a while until he hits bottom, i dont even think he knows what this shit will do to him, at least you do so why are you continuing? You need to go to NA/AA meetings & get a sponsor, unless you have support you will relapse over & over again. Maybe you will need to lose eveything & everyone before you do something about it, your job will be lost shortly but that will be nothing compared to what lies ahead of you unless you do something about it now! Your life is in your hands.

Louise

Hi Louise, thanks for responding. You're right, I do know what this shit will do if I don't nip it in the bud right now. I don't need to live the nightmare all over again to realize I am on a path of destruction. I really don't think I could survive it again. In 1997 I fell into a heavy meth addiction. By the time I was finished I had lost my wife, my job, my home, eventually my car and drivers license, and competely obliterated all relationships with everyone I cared about. I was on the street with literally nothing but the clothes on my back. When I needed clean ones I had lost enough weight that I could crawl through the opening in the goodwill drop boxes around town and change them. I can't go back to that. I worked too hard to repair my life and I don't think I would be able to find the strength to do it again. If I let this take me down, it's over. I think I would just kill myself. I can't let it happen. That's the bottom line.

Hello My Friend I don't want to call You a dumasss I think You are better then that and in Time I think You will Find that out. Drugs suck no matter how You put it all they do is take take take and NEVER give back. I too spent more then half my Life in addiction and my last Drug of choice was the rock thats untill I found my way out. You have to keep looking and trying to find Your Way Out it's there and there are so many People willing to Help. I know each of us have our own way of doing it weather it be Meetings,Church or Rehab pick which one works for You and don't give up You can do it. I too Lost all my Family they would not have anything to do with me but now after 2 years of being off ALL DRUGS I have them back and their full Trust. But don't get me wrong it took alot of work on my side to get all this back and I work on it everyday.
By The Way Happy Birthday Please Never Give Up Keep Trying to find Your Way out it's there. And when You get there Your New Life Begins One Day at a Time. Be Strong.
Dan

I so know what you are going through.I did the same and it hurt so many. The only thing that is helping me is therapy and seeing a psychiatrist,I know this might be unpopular to some NA members but I found out that I had a chemical imbalance in my brain causing me to self destruct. I take medication now and it helps but I still have urges at times and it's then that I have to look inside and decide how much my self respect is worth. I really hope you try everything available,I tried NA/AA and doctors and hell everything you can think of til I found a balance that works,good luck and God bless,yes God bless because he helps me.

I want to thank all of you for your input on this. It's kind of funny how we make excuses to try and justify our self-destructive behavior isn't it? In some cases people even enable us without ever realizing it. For example, I have been getting compliments from my coworkers on my weight loss. I have lost about 25 pounds on this binge. I can only imagine how they would react if I responded with something like "Well thank you. Yeah, that crack sure will take the pounds off." By the way, none of them know anything about my past and I don't see any reason why they would ever need to. I'm not one of those people who wear their suffering on the outside like a merit badge. That's why I'm here on the internet talking. It's not like I could walk into the office and say, "oh by the way, did you know I spent six years shooting up so much meth that I was on a first name basis with all the voices in my head, and I used to shoot holes in my ceiling with an SKS because I thought aliens were trying to tear their way through it and take me away? But I quit all of that and now I'm on crack." The only people who can understand are people who have lived it. I think the therapist idea might be a pretty good one. It helps a lot just to talk about it. There's something empowering about just telling the truth. My first thought was "oh right, like I can afford a therapist." Then it occured to me that I just spent fifteen grand on dope. I should be saying "oh right, like I can afford a crack addiction." I did talk to a drug counselor just once a few years ago when I was as lost as a soul can get. He said something to me that I had never thought about, but it made so much sense that I never forgot it. He said "The first thing you need to understand is that the drug isn't your problem. It's your solution. How's that working out for you?" That was some deep shit man. It reached so deep that it made me cry. I came so close to getting busted last night that my fingers were trembling from the adrenaline that went shooting through me. I called my dealer and told him I was coming up the alley behind his apartment building. I parked in the alley and turned off my headlights. Thirty seconds later a police cruiser pulled into the alley in front of me and slowly rolled through. When they reached my truck they noticed I was sitting in it. I think when he looked up and saw me it kind of startled him because he slammed on his brakes and looked right into my face for just a moment, then continued down the alley. As soon as they pulled away my dealer came out of his door and started walking toward my truck. He didn't know they were there until he stepped off of the sidewalk into the alley. I didn't even acknowledge him. I just started the truck and drove away, trembling, with sweat beading up on my face. So I guess last night was the clincher that removed any doubt about whether or not I am out of control. I still got my dope. I called him back a half hour later and had him meet me somewhere else. Then I locked myself in my room and smoked hit after hit until it was gone and I was thoroughly disgusted with myself. I am truly living a double life. During the day I am described with words like "brilliant" "talented" "articulate" and counted among the most valuable employees on the job. At night I'm just a closet crackhead. I think it was Shakespeare who said "Our intelligence is measured by what we know. Our stupidity is measured by what we do." In two weeks I'm going to get my next quarterly bonus. I already know it will be around eight thousand dollars. I can use it to save my life or finish destroying it. Until then I'm just going to keep talking here. I hope nobody minds. I'm going to continue being honest with all of you so I can continue being honest with myself. If that makes any sense. Thank you for the birthday wish, Dan. Thank you all for taking the time and interest to read what I have to say and acknowledge me as a human being.

By the way, sufferjet, you are absolutely right about the self-asteem thing. One thing I have definately learned the hard way is that it's a lot easier to just keep your dignity than it is to get it back once you have sacrificed it.

wow..this is sad...ur situation sounds simular to my boyfriend..he had got his life together i thought and got a awesome position that could've changed his life ...then he started using agian first was the few drinks then it all progressed..b4 i knew it he was using in secret then after he had advanced he openly used around me...he kept saying he hated what he was doing and was going 2 stop but no.. threw the tears,never gonnas,threw with its..he 'd b right back using...he's lost everything in a matter of months..there was nothing i could do..thats what hurt me so..he is now homeless staying with a friend about to go to prision..all over fucking crack...all he says lately is ''why is this happening to me?''..he blames everything and everybody but the drug..reading ur post u sound like him just b4 disaster...u have the desire to stop but ur still in the grips of the disease..u have to realize u have a disease i have the disease and he has the disease..the difference with me and u and my boyfriend i realized it and realized i didnt care what i had to do to get clean i was going to do whatever it took..i went to meetings,therapists and phycatrists because this disease kills and if left to my own understanding and will i willnot have a chance..a friend recently told me that even if i could take all of my boyfriends problems away it would all be meaningless because it would'nt benefit him any because like him and you ''u have to get it for yourself''..bottoms have bottoms in this disease..i hope this wakes u up and gets u working on saving ur life b4 its too late..prayers b with u..

Thank you for the positive thoughts Lisa. You're right about a lot of things. But I know I do have the will power to stop if I want to badly enough. I proved that when I quit meth. Meth only has a 6% recovery rate even with treatment. I don't buy into that whole "I am powerless" thing. The reality is that each of us are the ONLY ones who have the power to make changes in ourselves. Your friend was absolutely right. You can't make someone else's choices for them. The question is, what has to happen to make me want to quit this shit as bad as I wanted to quit meth? Do I have to let it take me to the same place the meth did? I don't think so. Because I am already very afraid of what's going to happen if I continue. I've been down that road and I know where it leads. One difference between your boyfriend and I is that I don't hold others responsible for the choices I make. If I let this shit take me down I already know there will be no one to blame but myself. But I'm not going to let that happen. I have to believe that because when I don't believe it anymore, that's when I am fucked.

im hoping 4 ur sake that it doesnt take anything worse to happen to u 2 make u want to quit as much as meth..the threat of going to jail..losing ur job..having very little money to live on all qualify as bad things..dont let the disease tell u these are no biggies.. thats when u've really got a problem..the disease is a liar especially when in its grips(meaning still using)..only trying to help..