Cocaine Addiction & Recovery Support Group

Hi
I am new to this group and wanted to say hello. I was once addicted to crack. I last used April 15, 1995, that was the day I came home after a 24 hour ($600.00) binge and couldn't feel my heart. I thought I was getting ready to die and I felt horrible. All I could do was pray. I survived that day and after several hours I actually began to feel my heart beat again. I was so numb. I will never forget that day. I was working at the time at a Wal-Mart and I remember I was so determined not to smoke, I would spend my whole paycheck on payday at work just so I wouldn't have money. For me (and I don't pretend this is for everyone) I did not attend any NA meetings or go to rehab. I was so thankful to feel my heart again that I leaned heavily on God. I made Him a promise and I kept it. I don't mean I was a sudden 'saint' or 'christian', I mean I just leaned on my faith in God to carry me through and He did. I use to count the days and weeks. Before I knew it I couldn't count anymore. I just began to tell my quit day = April 15,1995. The first year I had nightmares, I would wake up shaking, I could see myself with so much crack on a table in front of me. Those times I would pray. I was married then too and for all his faults, he was awesome when I would awake sweating and screaming. He would always hold me tight and make love to me; a sure way of getting my mind off of things and back to reality! I joined this group because I want you to know you can do this. Ironically when I went through the nasty divorce a "friend" was having a drink with me one night and she produced a rock for me to help take the edge off. I kicked her behind out of my house lighting fast. I said no way, it had been 5 years at that point and I knew she was no friend of mines. She wanted to share that crumb to get me started in hopes I would foot the bill all night. Lie! I told her to hit the door and I have not spoken to her since. I had another friend I use to get high with who told me she "would never quit". It broke my heart. I wanted so badly to care for her and for her to be free like I was. But its a personal decision. I haven't seen her since 1995 but she sent me a message through my son last year. She is clean! She is married, fat as a pig (LOL) but she said she couldn't see me because I was a trigger for her. I understand. All that matters is she did it. Sorry this was so long.
Posted on 09/04/09, 01:09 am