Cocaine Addiction & Recovery Support Group

I've been using drugs since I was about 15. I am 37 now. Coke has always been my drug of choice. For many years, I would only use on the weekend. However, about 4 years ago I went through a really rough time. I started using coke more frequently, until my habit became daily. It scared the Hell out of me and my significant other.

Last September, I took a 3 week vacation to get away from my dealers and try to break my habit. I was somewhat successful, as I used much less frequently when I returned. When I used, I would feel stupid and weak for not being able to control myself - and, honestly, I did not enjoy the high becase I felt so bad about my slip up. I even intentionally pissed off my dealer so he would not sell to me anymore. For the first time in a few years, I went for almost 3 weeks without using.

About 6 weeks ago, I was introduced to another dealer. He not only sells very pure coke at a great price, he also delivers in less than an hour at almost any time of day. I called him once, and soon realized that knowing and buying from him could destroy me. So I tried to forget his number, but he contacted me via text message. I told him I was out of town. I lied. Then, about a week later when I was jonesing, I called him. A few days later, I called him again. The progression to daily use was underway.

Last week, I went on my first week or so long binge in over a year. One morning about 6 am, while I was lying in bed, I Googled "cocaine addition support" and found dailystrenght.org. I begin reading, and hearing the stories of other addicts gave me strenght to end the binge. After sleeping for almost 2 days, I started to feel somewhat normal again. Then, last Friday I gave in to my craving yet again. This time, I used Friday through Sunday (today).

Right now, I never want to touch coke again. It is easy for me to acknowledge the damage my problem has caused to many of my relationships, my body, and my bank account. What I don't understand is why can I not remember this when I feel good and start to jones. Does anyone have a few tips for me? I usually tell myself "screw it, this will be the last time."

Also, my dealer calls and sends me text messages. I try to ignore him or tell him I am out of town, but frequently I give in when I am trying to be strong. Should I ask him not to call me? The problem is I have his number committed to memory, though I wish I could forget it.

I am going to continue reading posts on Daily Strength. I am considering going to a meeting, which would be a huge step for me. I may also seek therapy again but from a substance abuse specialist this time.

One last question: in addition to coke, I also smoke marijuana when I have it, which is most of the time. I starting smoking pot in college. I guess I have always considered it the lesser of two evils, as I used to think if I had pot to smoke, I would not use coke. Am I fooling myself? I need stop using all substances, right?

I promise to do my best tomorrow. I really want to stop!
Posted on 06/29/09, 01:06 am