Cocaine Addiction & Recovery Support Group

lisa
i haven't been on for a while and i am sorry that i wasn't here for your support. i am so glad that you ended things with him. as a freind/family of an addict you have to do one thing: DETATCH!!!!! you can't control save, etc YOU are still strggleing in recovery yourself nd you need to stay away from him, for your own sake.

i know its hard,, but you can't let him take you down with him and that will happen if he stays in your life. i am SO proud of you for being strong that weekend. i am ANGRY at him for putting you in that situation. that is WRONG.

HUGS TO YOU, there is someone out there who is so much better for you. someone who will help you in your recovery, not in your possible demise.

xo

thanks, jennylyn 4 the hugs and advice and u are so right that i need to detach but this is so hard for me..so hard in fact last night i proved to be a liar though i've prided myself on honesty in my life since i got clean ..when he called i couldnt find the words to tell him i didnt want to see him agian so when he said he was coming to pick me up i lied and said i was so sick i was going to the er so i wouldnt have to tell him..in fact i went to the er because i've been spotting and cramping i guess its been that stressful on me and i didnt want to be i guess a liar..this just sucks bad right now..im so afraid ..afraid because i love him so much and of making the wrong move or doing the wrong thing making it worse ..i could go on and on..im going to make a appointment monday to see my therapist agian i know i must'nt attempt to go this alone right now..i cant even share this with my sponsor i already know what she will say and im too emotional right now ..so many emotions and feelings are flooding me im hoping therapy will help hold me threw this..i know im not a child but in matters of my heart i find myself very fragile getting threw them..bottomline im having a problem with this and im not above seeking help to save my life because thats what recovery means to me my life and i cant chance that for anything especially 4 someone else.

lisa, i am so glad to hear that you are going to see your therapist.
right now, its almost like you aren't decided against seeing your exbf, its like he represents drugs right now. and not being honest iwth your sponsor and with the man who represents cocaine right now.

you are in recovery and its hard. you can't do this alone. you need support from your sponsor, from us, and from your therapist.

your bf is sick with the drug right now. he doesn't think clearly. for you to say "i cant see you now because i am in recovery and i can't be around anyone who is using in anyway".

you are SO BEAUTIFUL lisa... you are worth being loved and there is someone out there who will fill that space. i PROMISE you.. but you have to make space for that person, and right now the space is being occupied by an addict.

xo hugs

i do see him as part of the drug right now,jenny, i also see him as someone i love..thats the confict..i would like to say its easier or feels better today but i cant..i wont allow myself to call him and its d!mn hard not to worry about him..im praying what to do..what to say..and am definately calling my therapist in the morning im too torn in it to be objective..we had such a great time when he first got up here soberly and i just dont know why all of a sudden he'd use agian.. no warning nothing..anyways thanks 4 the support..much apreciated..

lisa,

i understand more then you know. i am in love with a cocaine addict. he is my bf of 4 years. i am not an addict.. but i do care about you all and that is why i am a member of your support group. i came here when i was first getting educated.

the reason this post of yours sticks out to me is because i understand EXACTLY what you are going through.
the struggle of loving someone and seeing them hurting themselves. but i learned that it is out of my control, and i have to put myself first.

you have to detach and save yourself. even moreso for you because you struggle and your own health is at risk.

i get it. i get the feelings of love and wanting to care for and help and all of that. i get it. i live it. but the only thing that will work is when you pull away and let them make their own choices, and take care of yourself.

i know its hard. please read the attached expert. it helps me. i care about you lisa. and i hate to see you struggle. i do remember when you were "single" and honestly, you were a lot more at peace and in a healthy frame of mind. keep that in mind.

best of luck. i am here.

What is detachment?

Detachment is the:

Ability to allow people, places, or things the freedom to be themselves.

Holding back from the need to rescue, save, or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional, or irrational.

Giving another person "the space'' to be him or herself.

Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.

Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place, or thing.

Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.

Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.

Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.

Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern, and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, or controlling.

Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.

Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

Ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than who you "want them to be.''

Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

For more on Detachment, click this link:

http://www.coping.org/control/deta...
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jennifer anderson
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---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: jennifer anderson
Date: Mon, Oct 20, 2008 at 10:31 AM
Subject: detatchment
To: wassworks@gmail.com


What is detachment?

Detachment is the:

Ability to allow people, places, or things the freedom to be themselves.

Holding back from the need to rescue, save, or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional, or irrational.

Giving another person "the space'' to be him or herself.

Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.

Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place, or thing.

Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.

Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.

Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.

Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern, and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, or controlling.

Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.

Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

Ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than who you "want them to be.''

Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

For more on Detachment, click this link:

http://www.coping.org/control/deta...

lisa: also my bf is currently sober and has been for a while. it is only for this reason that i have him in my life.

sorry for the extra info in that last post. copied it from an email haha

great read,jenny..i guess thats what i've been doing in my own way..i stayed home this weekend and told him i was too sick to go anywhere which is partially true(sick of the crap he's doing)..haha..im a little more lighter today went to work and school ..it was hard at first just getting it together and not worrying has he od'ed or has a dope dealer robbed and killed him ..those are realities of drugs and they do happen and especially here where im from..but like u say i have to detach and let him find his own way..he called when i got out of class i could barely make out what he was saying(broke my heart yet agian)..i gave him the numbers i got from some males at the n/a group but i dont even know if he wrote them down...i got a appointment with my therapist july 8..i truly cant wait to talk threw these feelings because i dont want to bottle them up and they pop out later if u know what i mean..im happy to hear u and ur bf are making it..that alone shows hope it can be done..thanks 4 ur support ..big hugsz back!!

I know how you feel....im just looking up online rehab centres for my partner, I cant do this anymore.