Cocaine Addiction & Recovery Support Group

I'm new to this forum and I'm looking for advice or someone to tell me that I'm crazy. Anything would be great!

I'm in a relationship with a guy who I suspect is using cocaine. We've been together for over a year, but until 3 months ago, we lived in different states. While living apart, our relationship progressed over the phone and over email and instant message chat. I had very little exposure to his "real life" until I moved to his home state, 3 months ago. When I got here, everything changed. At first, he didn’t want to see me and he said that he needed space. Then he saw me a couple of times a week for a hour or so each time, but was always agitated and anxious to get rid of me. After about a month, things calmed down and we now see one another more frequently, but only on his terms. Since moving here, he has slowing let me see more and more of his lifestyle and it's just not normal. He sits on his computer every single night and ALL night long, but he will deny it. He says that he is just gambling and that he looks at porn on web cams. When I am there, he can't wait to get me out so that he can get on the computer and when I spend the night, he sneaks out of bed the minute I fall asleep and sneaks back in right before I get up for work. I know that he takes sleeping pills and sometimes lexapro so that he can fall asleep in the morning and he'll sleep for a few hours and then go to work. Being in the medical profession, these pills are easily accessible to him. When he gets home from work, it starts all over again. On the weekends, he sleeps all day on Saturday and Sunday because he goes to bed in the morning. When he's not on the computer, he's always too exhausted to do anything. When he's not exhausted, he always has some complaint of chest pains, stomach nausea, or a migraine, to excuse us from going out. When he's away from his computer for a long time, he gets moody, anxious, nervous, edgy, short tempered, but once he gets to his computer, he's so happy that his eyes dilate, he can't sit still and his whole mood changes for the better. He blames this on staring at the computer for so long and his ADD/ADHD kicking in. Because of his mood changes though, it makes me think that something else is going on when he's on that computer. I also wonder how a guy who loves to look at porn web cams has such a low sex drive. Our sex life is an embarrassment; he can't get an erection, semi at best and he orgasms in 3 seconds flat. As far as his finances, I don't know for sure where they stand. He does very well for himself though and has a nice house and fancy cars. He could most likely afford drugs and hide the financial aspect of it. He doesn’t seem to have many friends and he has a strained relationship with his family. Of course, he has reasons or excuses to explain that though. My point to all of this is that he's a handsome, successful guy and his entire life revolves around being holed up in his office, attached to his computer. I know that he really is gambling, but I don’t think he has a gambling problem. He has no desire to gamble at the 3 casinos that he lives 30 minutes from. My gut is telling me that the gambling is just an excuse to be online and a cover to hide behind. I thought I was moving here for my prince charming, but there is nothing charming about this life. Am I being snow balled here? I don’t know what to do or where to turn. I hate this new life, I hate living here, and I hate this guy. I’m so angry, but I can’t show it. What if I’m wrong? Any advice, feedback or comments would be appreciated. Thanks.
Posted on 07/20/09, 04:07 pm