Cocaine Addiction & Recovery Support Group

I knew my husband had suffered alot of setbacks in his life due to drug abuse....but I married him anyway. I believed in him, his determination to stay clean and that his love for me and comittment to our marriage would all be positive factors in his life. Six months after we got married I realized that he was using drugs. I had never been around him when he was using so despite the fact that he had been using it (he smokes crack) for a couple of months off & on (according to him) I had never really noticed. It crushed me inside. I mean I was totally devastated. I became so fearful of him, I didn't believe anything that came out of his mouth, I kept threatening to leave him and he kept on doing what he wanted and constantly proving himself to be a liar....all for drugs!! On the first of February 2007 I rented a small apartment without telling him. I started packing things up but he would only laugh telling me that I was not going anywhere. On Valentines Day, when he left for work, I loaded up the truck and moved into my own little apartment. He kept calling my phone that day but I would not answer. He harrassed me at work until I had to tell my boss what was really going on (which changed their feelings toward me as an employee) but he followed me one day and found out where I had moved. I went through hell with, for and because of him for the next 2 months, while my father was in hospice on his death bed and my entire family was going through great emotional hardships....I allowed my husband back in my life to stop everyone from asking where he was all the time. He gave me NO support during my fathers' last days. He only added to my grief. He stole things from my little apartment and sold them. He got fired from his job and lied about it to me! Then one day out of the blue I got a call from a rehab center telling me that he had checked himself in. I was not impressed! I really couldn't have cared less. Within 3 weeks after that I was approached by my bosses and basically asked to quit or be fired....they gave these bogus reasons for their decision....I knew they didn't want me there because of my husbands drug issues! I was so sorry for ever confiding in them about my personal life! He only stayed in rehab for 3 weeks then he came back to my little apartment. I felt miserable! I felt so stupid for being with him again. I hated myself, I hated him and I hated my life. I started gaining weight, I couldn't find a job and although he seemed to be back on track....I still wasn't happy! In July 2007 I woke up one morning to a pounding at the front door, I looked out the window to find that we were surrounded by a SWAT team!!! My husband was arrested for non payment of restitution from another state and extradited back there. I was alone! It took another 3 months for me to find a job! My landlord hung in there, friends helped me financially and my husband only added to things because he always wanted me to do "whatever" I could to help him get out of jail! His family didn't help me, they helped him, despite the time I was faced with eviction, electricity disconnect and no food or gas in my truck! He came out of jail in November 2007...by then I was so totally depressed and in debt that I felt like I just wanted to die! My own daughter had cut me out of her life, not even allowing me any contact with my grandchildren, due to my involvement with my husband. My family was ashamed that I had made the decisions I had in regard to him. His family always made excuses for him and his actions, and they still do, its as if they are talking about a teenage boy just going through changes! My husband is a 48 year old man with a grandchild of his own and a daughter who has now made the decision to live as he always has! I quickly realized that our relationship had changed after he came out of jail. Here we are.... 15 months since he got out and last week on Thursday he didn't come home when he got off work. At first I just thought he was working late, it doesn't get dark until 7:30pm, since he works outdoors I just thought that maybe he was making the most of a beautiful day. I tried calling his cell phone but he had it turned off when I made my first call to him at 6:30pm. I found myself still calling his phone into the wee hours of the morning! He finally called me at 5:30am!!! His first words were, "I have fucked up partying again and I am sorry, please forgive me, I don't know what got into me again, can I come home so we can talk about this?"
He came home, told me more lies, obvious lies, than I could even keep up with. His stories changed as I questioned him more and more. I know he still hasn't really even told me the truth about where he was and who he was partying with! I HATE HIM RIGHT NOW...and its been over a week. I don't even like him trying to hug me or kiss me or even to hear his voice. I know that he had taken $200.00 from our bank account that night at 12:47am....he denies doing that even though its recorded with the bank!!! He left the house that day with over $200.00 already in his pocket! When he went to sleep that day after his night out partying I checked him and our vehicle. I found a crack pipe hidden under the truck seat. I found a little plastic bag in the ashtray in the truck. I found only $17.00 in his pockets...even all the change from the truck was gone. I believe nothing he has said since then. I feel VERY betrayed by him and have NO understanding of how and/or why he would have done this! He has ruined me inside! Thats how I really feel right now. Everytime he walks out of here to go to work I wonder where he's REALLY at....because I know he has been around someone somewhere who is into drugs. He tried to tell me that he gave some stranger a ride who was hitch hiking and thats who he had partied with that night. I don't believe that story because he changed it acouple of days later that he had ran into someone he hadn't seen in awhile and started partying with him. So which is it? He didn't even tell me that on Saturday...just 2 days after his night out he was paid $600.00 for a job he had done earlier in the week....to me he is now hiding income! He hasn't done that before so why would he start now? I only found out because I found an invoice for the work he had completed....he said it had slipped his mind to mention it to me! He said the lady paid him with a check that he had put away and still hadn't even cashed....this was just yesterday...he never did produce the uncashed check for me to see....even though I asked for it more than once! He is on probation for 6 years. He was having to be drug tested every month when he went to check in but when he went to check in for his usual appointment the first week of March the probation officer said that since he's been such a model probationer that he did not have to check in or be drug tested until June!!! I know that was a big mistake!! My husband can't handle the freedom of knowing he won't be drug tested again for months from now! I feel no love for him, I am so miserable, I wish I could just be gone from this house today!! I just won a lawsuit and am waiting for a couple of fairly large checks. He knows this. I don't even want him to know when this money comes but since we only have the one vehicle he usually checks the PO Box before he comes home. I plan to give the checks to my sister until I can figure out what to do with this money. I don't even want to live in this house....our dream home which we just worked our asses off renovating and moved into in February!!! I hate my whole situation! But most of all....I hate him!!! I don't understand how a person stays clean (if he has really been clean all this time) and then just all of a sudden returns to drug use!!! I have no sympathy, no understanding, no concern for it or him AT ALL!!! I tried to talk to his sister but she only made excuses for what he had done, she even sounded like him, she told me that since I knew I was marrying a drug addict I should deal with it cause the Bible says I am supposed to support him no matter what! She made me so mad saying that bullshit that I haven't taken any calls from her since. I told everyone what he did....everyone was shocked!!! He doesn't even know that everyone of our friends knows about his little night out last week....they have alittle more concern for me than for him I guess cause no one has let on to him that they even know! He feels like since it was "just one of those little slip ups" (which is how he refers to it) I should just forgive, forget and move on. Of course he constantly swears he's never gonna do it again....I feel like I am destined to live everyday waiting for it to happen again. When he did it before he promised and swore it would never happen again....it took awhile...but it happened again. So am I selfish for staying married to him? I will NEVER accept, understand or care to deal with drug abuse weaknesses with, for or because of him....OR ANYONE ELSE IN MY LIFE!!!!
Posted on 03/27/09, 11:03 am