What is Chronic Pain
Chronic pain becomes chronic when it persists longer than 6 months and is resistant to medical management. Millions of Americans are chronic pain patients and some exper...
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Why is my family doing this to me??!!
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Why can't family understand that when you have chronic illnesses and chronic pain that you can't work! I have one of those famlies that think your a piece of shit if you don't have some kind of job and are bringing in some money from it. It doesn't matter that i am going to college right now and getting Finacial aid to help. It doesn't matter that even though I wouldn't be able to work a full time job if I could work at all that I still have been filling out application after application, resume after resume. I can't go there and talk to the manager like they always tell me to do because I don't have a car, drivers lisence and when I can I do take the bus places. My car was stolen a year ago from me and I never got it back. Every one in my family is like this even though a couple of them barely have jobs themselves and only have what they have out of luck because it was just given to them by someone else in the family. Same with them all having cars they only do because my dad and other members of the family gave them a damn car. They didn't buy it themselves like I had to. That didn't happen for me. When I say family I am mainly talking about my four brothers and father. They have more problems than I do but just don't think they do and I am not the kind of person and never have been to let them know that or to tell them all to go to hell. The problem is that I am always dependent in some way on someone in my family latley makiing them think they can treat me that way. Ever since I got sick, got a divorce because hubby had an affair and through me out into the streets where I was homeless and then car was stolen and I didn't have a job to help myself, I have chronic pain and other problems all the time. Not to mention I have struggled with depression and severe anxiety for years, can't get any help or aid from the state so I from time to time needed help. I'm talking about little things here like 10 dollars and I didn't even ask for them for it they would offer but when I took them up on their offer they make me pay for it by thinking they can say what ever they want to me about my life and holding things over my head. They constantly hurt my feelings. Right now after being homeless for 2 years, literally lived in my car for two years and no one in my family gave a damn I moved in with my little brother who was 5 hours away. I help out with food because i got food stamps and he didn't have to buy any of his own food he just ate all my food. And I do all the dishes every day. And as soon as they are clean he dirties them up by making some huge meal for himself that he doesn't even share. The I have to go clean it up.Then when I get my financial aid check I buy all the things the house might need. he uses up all my shampoo and conditioner, tooth paste, ib profin, tylenol PM and other things on a contant basis and I am cool about it even though it ticks me off because he has never paid for any of his own things like that and uses it all up before I can even get any of it alot of the time. Still I don't say anything. I contribute to gas if I do use his old truck but mostly I get around on the bus. I have no friends over or anything like that. You don't even know I'm there. Before I came he had nothing to eat and was having problems with those type of things already. So its actually a good thing Im here helping him but he doesnt see it like that.He hasn't paid the rent in a couple of months before I even got here. And still hasn't for a year now yet he wants me to go get a job so I can pay it. A friend of one of my other brothers owns the place and I guess wont kick him out. I said O.K. when I get the financial aid I will pay half but will you be able to pay the other half? He said no! So it would just be me. Yet I am already paying for food, house stuff, for my own things and when he wants to borrow a $20.00 before pay day I always give it to him. Why in the hell would he expect only me to pay the rent and not him. That makes no sense. Occasionaly I will borrow 3 dollars for rollies and always give it right back. Yet he has the nerve to ask me what I am doing to get a job and why havn't I done this and why havn't I done that! How am I suppose to get there if I don't have a damn car in the first place?! I have to wait until I have bus money and he knows that but he will still get on me. This is coming from a guy that only has a part time job right now and hardly has any money of his own and the money he does have he spends on alchol and drugs. Yes, hes an alcoholic too. There is alot I can to him about his life but I don't. So why does he think he can do it to me? I don't do any of that stuff. When I get money I spend it on things I need to spend it on. Plus, he knows I have many chronic disabilties and am in pain all the time but just to make him happy and please him have turned in about 40 resumes and applications to people. No one has called me. The city I am in is suppose to have the worst unemployment rate in California. On top of that he knows I just went through very tramatic experiences where I lost my kids to my x-husband and his mistress with a whole lot of other stuff and have post traumatic stress disorder. Why can't they just give me a damn break! Why is he doing this to me and being so unfair! Why is my family such uncaring. jerks? Why doesn't any of them care or understand that I can't just run out and get a job. It's not that easy. Why isn't he trying to get a job himself since it's only part time and not bringing in enough money for himself. He can't even pay his own rent. He just wants me to pay it and at the same time buy nothing but his alcohol. Does this sound right to anyone? Is it just me or is this crazy talk? Sorry for venting. I am so upset because he just did it again to me. They want things from me that I can't give and there is nothing I can do about it and since I am living with him I have to put up with it. I have no where else to go. Every one in my family are assholes and wont help me. I'm just sick about all this. Sorry for venting. If you did read this, thank you. Does this seem unfair to you? Any thoughts about it I would appreciate. Thankyou
Posted on 11/05/09, 04:11 pm |
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One of our group in Cal. needs to come over and give your brother and your ex a good ol' country ass-whippin'.
Seriously, look up the Salvation Army, they're good for setting folks up for a little while. Look up women's shelters, anything you can, but get out of that situation. You cannot be thinking right in your circumstances, you need a safe place to think and talk to others. I went through the incredible grief just about 2 1/2 years ago of "divorcing" my blood family. It took me at least a year, with help from good folks now and then to bear on through it. Then, one day the torment was over. I finally saw them for what they are, and I haven't felt so free in years. I don't speak to them, acknowledge birthdays or holidays, and frankly, I don't think I'd be told if one of them died. Screw 'em. Being born into a family is an accident, and it's not a claim on your time, money, affection, or anything else. I wouldn't waste time with them if I wasn't related, so why do it just because of blood ties? Yes, I've become a bit of a hard man, but I am doing myself and those around me who really count more good than before. You're in my prayers, and I hope you pack up and grab your hat real soon. -Snake 
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I agree with snake.. pack your bags grab your meds and your hat and move on.. Being in a situation like that is worse on your CP. I know its easier said then done but anything has to be better then this. Sit down and think up a plan of action. Get on the phone call the salvation army or grab a bus and go down there and talk to them. If they can't help you maybe they can find a place that can. You don't need to put up with this shit anymore! You deserve better!! Don't worry about venting. That's why were here. Vent away anytime. :)
~hugs
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Ditto to what the others have said. The only one that can change the situation right now is you. As you know, you will never be able to change others, you need a plan of action and you need to move along......
And remember; We can choose our friends, but we can't never choose our family members!
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Hi, First of all I would like to tell you how very sorry I am you have had to endure so much physical and emotional pain!! I am a Mom also living in severe chronic pain from fibromyalgia. I also have other health problems which affect my immune system. I am sick a lot. On the other hand, I never have had my children taken away from me. Honestly speaking, the thought makes me feel sick to my stomach. What in the heck is wrong with your ex? If he loves his children you have together unconditionally, he would want the best for you for the sake of your children. He would help you in any way he could. You didn't say how old your children are but when they are old enough to truly grasp how insensitive their father has been to their mother they are going to be asking a lot of questions about it. I guarantee you, your children are not going to like the answers they hear. Children generally love and adore their Mom unconditionally. As far as your family is concerned, my first thought is, what went on in your family when you were growing up?? It sounds as though your younger brother, whom you live with, is lacking in good morals and values. Obviously he needs to be admitted to a treatment center for alcohol and drug abuse. I feel badly for your brother's friend who owns the rental since your younger brother has not paid rent for well over a year. Now that you are living in the rental also the lack of rental payments reflects on you also. If I were you, I would hide away as much of the food you buy as possible. I feel you need to do whatever you can to try and find another place to live. If the brother you live with is using illegal drugs and the police search your living space, if they find illegal drugs there you may be found guilty also. If this were to happen, you would no longer be eligible for college financial aid nor would you ever be eligible again for help from the Dept. Of Social Health and Welfare which includes many resources to help low income people like the food stamps you are getting etc... Instead of getting financial aid, which you have to pay back, did you apply for a Pel Grant and other grants you would qualify for which you would not have to pay back? The financial aid office at college can help you with these resources.
As far as your family is concerned and their lack of understanding and empathy towards you, most people do not understand conditions and diseases such as fibromyalgia, lupus etc.. because you do not have bandages on, cast etc...you appear normal to them. Just wait until one of them is in a bad car accident or something happens to them which causes them severe pain. At that time you can remind them that you live with this of pain on a daily basis. I am so sorry your car was stolen. That is horrible!! My car was stolen also a few years ago, right from my driveway in the night time. I'm guessing you did not have insurance on your car to cover replacement. Insurance is so darn expensive but it is a state law here in WA. state that every driver has to have it. Otherwise you cannot have a drivers license. If your pain and health is such that you are not able to work outside the home, you may want to apply for Social Security Disability. It's normally a good two year wait for approval but payment is retroactive from the date you applied. 99.9% of applicants are denied the first time they apply but you just apply again. Be very descriptive on your application putting all your thoughts, fears etc...It is most helpful if you have a Dr. who supports you in applying. I wish I could do more for you! I encourage you to take time out in your day to concentrate on positive thoughts. Try and stay away from the people who are not supportive of you in any way. Take good care of yourself, Hugs to you!!!! Sadea
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I agree 100% with everything that's been said here. Your #1 priority is to remove yourself from an abusive situation. Also, as sadea mentioned, if your house is searched, you could be held just as liable for any illegal drugs or paraphenalia as your brother. It is an accident of birth what family you end up in. If they are cruel, unsupportive and exploiting you to boot, get up, stand up and fight for your rights! Get out. As others have mentioned, there's always the Salvation Army and they can point you to other resources that I'm sure you are qualified to receive. Good luck and God Bless, Bliggy
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Eascusa,
My late father-in-law was a Major in the Salvation Army, and even performed the marraige ceremony when his daughter and I tied the knot. My wife was not in the Army, but last night she did say they may be able to help you out. After all, that is their mission, to help people down on their luck. You can also keep up with us on a public library computer so you have peer support. Let us know how you are doing, and please don't just let resentment fester, it will paralyze you from getting on with life. -Snake
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So sorry to hear sweetheart what you are going through. Your question"Does this seem unfair to you?" Bloody hell it does. It's hard enough dealing with chronic pain but when you have a family that treats you like shit,abuses and uses you,well that is something you just don't need or deserve. I like Watersnake's idea of contacting the Salvation Army and trying to get some accommodation. Also like his first idea to get Cal to go and give them am ol 'country ass-whippin'. You don't need all the extra stress on top of your cp. You don't deserve it. My family completely ignored me and my brother,were nothing but parasites,so now it is just my husband and son. I have a wonderful,loving and supporting husband who does so much for me and as much as I feel guilty for not being able to do much due to my pain,he tells me just as much not to feel guilty. Please take care and you don't have to put up with the crap.
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Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!
You all have done more for me just reading my post than my family ever has in their life time. So thank you so much. It is such a good feeling when someone cares, I’m not use to it. I have a brother next door that is way worse than the brother I live with. He wouldn’t cross the street to save your life because “you should have known better or I don’t want to get involved or it’s her fault she is in that situation” is exactly what he would say. The oldest always seems like the worst. He was a bully when I was a child and still is today. Why don’t people learn things as they get older? It amazes me how many people don’t ever stop to think about things and their behavior towards people. I will try checking out the Salvation army and see if they can help any. Yes as far as my x he wouldn’t give me a buck when I was homeless sleeping in my car in the same town is him. I don’t know what was wrong with him. He didn’t act that way when we were together and then all of a sudden he wants to be with the babysitter and I’m shit on his shoe. My children, the two that are with him are 10 and 2 years old. He took my baby when he was only three months old and gave him to his mistress to take care of him. I can’t tell you how sick Iam over that which doesn’t help my depression and pain. And now I am 5 hours away and can’t see them. My heart is broken. Oh, and the state stopped my food stamps this month because I get Financial Aid now. They didn’t tell me they were going to do that so I didn’t even save any thing for food, great! And about my car, I know who took it but he is on parole and has two strikes against him al ready and I was threatened that if I call the police and give him his third strike he or someone in his family would kill me or someone in my family. So I didn’t do anything. It makes me so angry but there is nothing I can do about it. It was a nice car. too. He supposibly is in the mafia or something. I did try SSI but they denied me and now I am appealing. So we will see about that. I’m trying, I really am. I can’t stand it here. I can’t stand having my own family be so cruel to me and not think they are. And since they are all the same I can’t talk to anyone in the family about it because they are all the same way. I’m the bad guy, the loser! Well, thanks again everyone. I’m trying to get out. Ellen
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You could also check the classifieds for roommates. And as far as the guy that took your car goes, I would talk to the Police and tell them what was said and that he has your car and maybe they can help "Relocate you" or accidently find him with the car or something.
One more thing, have you ever considered moving to the Midwest? The job market is better and it costs a lot less to live here too. I'm in your shoes as well. I'm married to a man who does the same kind of things as your brothers and I've had my children taken away too when they were little. Once of them was stolen by her Father fro several years. Anyway, you can't give up and you need to say NO to your brothers! Also you need to save some money in case you need to make a hasty retreat! Apply for Section 8 housing, let them know you have two children who will be staying with you at least part of the time. Even if that's not true now, once you get a place of your own and become more stable you could make that a reality. And, talk to the councelors at your school to see if they can assist you with finding a job, if that 's what you need to do. Don't be afraid to do something because something might happen. Live each day to the best of your ability and don't worry about what other people think or feel, You have no control over their feelings or actions even though they try to blame you for things and expect you to accept it all. You can only do so much. If they're not being fair to you, don't worry about trying to be fair to them. Good Luck!
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Dear Ellen,
My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time. Family can be so cruel. Here are a couple of sayings of mine: What goes around comes around; and Walk a mile in my shoes, then come talk to me. You are a very strong and special woman. Please do not ever forget that. Colleen This evening you made me feel better. My situation is nothing compared to what you are currently facing.
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