Chronic Pain Support Group

There is so much that goes into dealing with chronic pain issues...from difficulty or inability to work, medical system, and bills and paying for meds, helping friends and family deal, understand and actually help me....while trying to help them. I am in a state of complete physical and mental exhaustion as far as this goes.....how can I possibly keep this up? It has only been about 3 years of this for me, and so many of the days seem like an eternity. This whole evening has been months long, and it will not end, and I cannot sleep as usual. I am at a point where I can really not even cry right now.

My medical bills are piling up, the need to work is putting a lot of presssure on me. We are in some really substantial debt, and the only way we are going to see our way through is by the good job I have...which is about to demand more hours of me, so the money can be better. But I do not think I can do it, and be sane and function. I fell like I have this hole that started as a small indent under me 3 years ago, and little by little, I have worked to function as I get shorter and deeper in, but I almost feel like I am losing my ability to keep in contact with humanity as I fall deeper into the ground. And then there is the part of me that just wants the dark to take over, and the ground to swallow me up so I do not have to work so hard to reach for something that I cannot get at.

The holiday put way too much stress on me. We ended up going to way too many parties, becuase we did not make the xmas day trip out of town to see my inlaws...so we did everything with my family, and then saw the inlaws over new years...which was great to get out. But I hate to say this but it was too much of my family, and I feel like I got no rest. And I went back to teaching part time monday, and I feel more overextended than ever. I do not know if I can hold this job down...but it is the best between the two of us.

I feel so alone right now....that somehow no one really truly understands what I have to bear from day to day to make it work...I know my husband truly tries, but still I feel like I have to do this 90% on my own. He tries to help, but I feel like what he would really have to do to help me would be more than he is willing to do. And this may be me selling him short, and a big part of it is that I will not ask, but I see how he handles little things that go along with this big problem, and I am scared that this pain that consumes me is going to push him away. I love him more than anyone or thing in this world...more than my life even right now. I want to be here for him, and do good for him, but I feel like my existence demands more than anyone, including me, can keep up with. I am losing energy to fight this. How do I balance it, put it into perspectve, and function.....and how do I ask this wonderful man for what I need, without feeling like he is going to be put out and annoyed by problem? Any ideas would be so appreciated.....I am up here trying to clear this out of my mind so I can possibly sleep...and trying hard not to take more meds...relief has got to come right? What do you do?

thanks! ab
Posted on 01/07/09, 02:01 am