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I don't think I can hold on anymore
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I've been suffering from chronic pain for the last 11 yrs. now. First, it was sciatica, then bulging discs in my back, fibromyalgia, migraines, arthritis, pinched nerve in my neck and an unknown condition similar to neuropathy in my extremities. The majority of my pain has been the last 9 yrs. and every year, I keep hoping that things will get better, but instead the pain spreads, gets worse, or I end up with a new injury. This last December, I started to get better and I was so happy to be able to start to do things on my own, but then in January, I somehow strained my groin and hurt my knee. It's still not better and I have to use a cane most of the time just to walk. I was very limited before, but now I can barely do anything and I am never able to leave my apartment. I live at Tabitha Village, an independent living center for the elderly and disabled, but it's mostly old people. My mom kicked me out of her home b/c she said that she wanted her place back and I was too negative and depressing this last year when my pain became worse again. It costs more to live here, but everything was supposed to be covered that I couldn't afford by her and my sister. There was miscommunication though and she thought that my sister was going to help me with rent and my sister thought my mom was doing that. So, no one was going to be helping me with the extra money. Then, after Christmas, my mom's new boss told her they were cutting her pay almost in half. She said that she wasn't going to be able to help me with any money anymore starting in March. I have to come up with almost $200 a month extra and b/c of how bad my chronic pain is, I am on disability and I can't work at all. I don't know what I will do next month. I only have a little bit of money on my credit cards and my cat is sick and needs to go to the vet next month, so the money has to go to her. This new injury has made it impossible to do almost anything at all and there isn't any pain in my body that isn't constant. I had to go to the emergency room last year because I couldn't take the pain anymore. I can take a lot of pain b/c I've been doing it for so long, but hurts so bad that I can't stand to be awake sometimes and I've become so depressed. I only have a couple of friends that talk to me a couple times a year, but otherwise, no one ever calls, writes me, visits me. It's been very lonely and I think that maybe if I had some friends to give me support and encouragement that I could make it. But...there is no one and I am never able to leave my apartment. I can barely walk to the elevator to go get my mail. I am all alone all the time. I never get to talk to anyone, I can't take the pain anymore, and I just don't see what I am here for anyway. My life is a waste. I just live in this apartment and do nothing all day and talk to no one. What's the point? All of my friends have gotten married, had kids, bought a house, have gone to college and gotten a career, basically have a life now-they've lived life. I'm still here and nothing has changed. I never got to do any of those things. I feel like I grieve the life I lost a lot and wish that I had had the opportunity to do something great in this world, to really make a difference and help others. I can't do anything here, this way. I can't take it and I try not to think about it, but....even w/ the t.v. on all day, so I don't think about stuff, thoughts still come in and thinking about living this way any longer is too much. I just don't see a reason to be here anymore.
Posted on 02/25/13, 12:00 am
16 Replies | Most Recent Add Your Reply
Reminder: This is a support group for Chronic Pain. We trust you will do your best to remain positive and helpful. For more information, see our rules of the road.

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Reply #11 - 02/25/13  11:58am
" Welcome to the group. A lot of us here are in the same position of being lonely like you are. This place is a life savor for many. Stick around and I am sure you will make lots of new friends here.
Other than that, have you tried calling your social worker to see if there are any support groups in your area?
Hugs "
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Reply #12 - 02/25/13  12:50pm
" Hi justagirl and welcome to our family. You are now one of our sisters and we support our sisters (and brothers) anyway we can.

I think so many people here can relate to your story- including myself. I considered suicide at one point but got the help I needed and just kept putting one foot in front of the other and kept trying.

You are grieving! You're absolutely right that you are grieving for the life you lost, for your health, for the situation you are in.

The only thing I can think of right now is that you really need to get your depression treated before it gets any worse. Maybe being on a n antidepressant and talking to someone will help immensely. It's hard to see the light when you're In that black hole of depression.

We are here- all day, all night. Please stay with us and let us help you. You're In a very difficult spot but there will be a way out. It's just the matter of not giving up.

Sandy "
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Reply #13 - 02/25/13  1:56pm
" Take it one day at a time sweetheart. That's all any of us can muster.

And your life is NOT a waste. Those whose lives you have touched are better for having known you. And just by coming here, you have touched OUR lives as well. WE appreciate you! "
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Reply #14 - 02/25/13  10:20pm
" Dear justagirl, I am so glad that you are here and that you have posted this thread. You are not alone. I know it may feel like it, but you aren't. You are now part of this group. I've been feeling really down lately because of some of the same reasons you mentioned in your post. I have little money, live alone, and suffer from horrific chronic pain. I am currently so depressed because my support system is falling apart (what little I had).

I know I don't feel this badly every day because of this group and it's wonderful members. They help me know I am not alone and pick me up when I fall down. They (we) will do that for you, too.

I hope you make many friends here. If you share as honestly as you just did, you will attract many, many friends.

Welcome to the group.


heatherhurts "
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Reply #15 - 02/25/13  11:45pm
" welcome to our little spot on the planet, you'll fit right in here
poke around, jump right in we're very active on this board
breakfast is a fine group and easy way to get to know the most active members, if you can't or don't want to reply at due to being such a long thread that's okay too but do stop by
there's now a afternoon post almost everyday and midnight snack
check in with us, vent, scream, cheer when you can
we're here welcome
tori "
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Reply #16 - 02/26/13  12:43am
" I am with you too on your feelings. The depression, hopelessness and constant pain. We have all been there it seems. Getting the depression under control is important. I started seeing a counselor again and we have talked about things that can be a distraction that can actually be good sometimes when you are overwhelmed with it all. I watch movies or read one of my many books. Or find something online that is interesting to look at , playing games, etc. Listening to music is another soothing thing for me, if you are a music person it might help relax you. Anti-depressants, I couldn't live without. Today my pain was bad enough I could barely move and couldn't pick up two of my kids from school. They had to wait until my oldest was done and ride home with him.

Before I was able to get disability my parents were helping a lot and it was a financial strain on them. If someone could help you with utilities for an emergency or another bill you could use your money for the cat. Just a thought. I went through that with my horses. I had a sick one and no money to get the meds she needed so continued with the herbal supplements that worked. It is so hard and I know what it is like to want to give up. But you keep going. Because your life is touching others. We are here for you and you will be here for us. Maybe you can do some journaling if you don't already. I am trying to write down my feelings and that helps get it out. Hang in there. One day at a time. "

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