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Father HATES Me
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I got home from Arizona today. The whole time I was there was one huge fight. Every time I tried to have my own opinion or voice, my father would scream at me and call me names.
We got in an extra bad fight two nights before I left and he said such awful things to me that I can't even repeat them. I finally got fed up and started yelling back. I said one thing I am not proud of, but after all that he said to me... He deserved it. Finally. he got so angry he left the house. My grandmother came to the living room to see if I was okay... And I wasn't. I was on the verge of overdosing. I was sobbing, my father really does hate me. He said he couldn't wait until I left and that it sucks that I had no place to stay until then. But, I owe my grandmother my life, more than once. When I used to live with her and my father in AZ, she would almost always come and comfort me when he'd be a bastard for no reason. I really felt so hopeless. He didn't even want to drive three hours to take me to the airport, he paid for a shuttle. He also refused to pay for my baggage so my grandmother was forced to help me. That night, after I cried so hard I thought I was going to pass out, she told me to take a shower and come to talk to her afterwards. I did. If it weren't for her and my few amazing friends, I don't know if I would have made it back from Arizona alive. It truly was that awful. I feel much better now that I am home, but the pain is still digging into my soul. Some things just can't be unsaid. I am very glad I have therapy tomorrow. I am not going to like rehashing the fight that I will have repressed until tomorrow. I surely can't cope with it on my own. Yesterday was most likely the last time I will ever see my grandmother, unless she comes to visit me. I cannot- WILL not- take that sort of mental abuse ever again in my life. I was finally building up courage and self-esteem, but that's all be shattered like a pane of thin glass. To top it all off, I got brutally made fun of/ bullied by him when ever I had hit my physical limit and he would yell at me and tell me, "JUST KEEP EATING AND EATING!!!" I screamed back, "KEEP DRINKING AND DRUGGING!!!" He can dish it out but he sure can't take it. I used to have an eating disorder so that I could lose weight to make him proud. Today, the day I am finally home, is the first day since the 6th and I can eat more than a few bites of anything so I didn't get picked on. I am back to hating the act of eating... but I know I have to do it. Posted on 07/19/12, 10:01 pm |
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Oh, and just to add, my father is quite overweight himself and all he does is eat, drink, pop pills, walk his dogs, go to work and sleep. Yet he has the nerve to pick on my weight. My grandmother gets treated worse than I do, I am so worried for her. I told her to come back to NY and I can take care of her myself. My father doesn't do anything for her always. The only reason she is still living with him is because they though if they bought a big enough house that they wouldn't fight. They were wrong. My dad screamed at my grandmother at least 3 times a day when all she want to do was talk to him.
We were watching TV one night and I had to leave the room because he said my laughing was giving him a headache. He truly did not want me to be happy. 
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the parent child relationship is never equal, even when the child becomes and adult or if the child has had to act as the adult in order to maintain family normalcy.
when there is a narcissistic, addicted or abusive person on either end of the relationship the ties that bind are also unlike any other relationship formed in life and the impact is always greater in a mysterious way akin to the phrase, "blood is thicker than water." it goes both ways, but often the child in the relationship can be mentally led to believe they are still and will always be the child even if the adult parent's behavior is functionally poor to bad. so, in order to not write a novel, i'll try to sum it up and shut it down for you now, before you loose your attention span. no parent or child is perfect. some parents and children are emotionally, psychologically, financially and/or physically abusive. your father and you may come to better terms someday or NOT. if you need reassurance that you are an adult now because of his degrading behavior, EXERCISE YOUR RIGHT to not be exposed to his abuse. do not call, visit or write. you're grown up now and you only have to associate with the people YOU want to. you're going to have to work out the situation with your grandmother. even if she's a penpal or you see her on skype, you must continue the positive relationship with her. fight for it. find a way to make that happen. if you loose her through detoxing yourself from your dad, you'll both be left with empty hands. imagine what your relationship with her would be like if she didn't have to comfort you out of abuse. what if she could just be an amazing woman that you know? i know that would be a better situation for you both. so, act like you're grown and don't allow anyone to abuse you. make it a rule that even covers family. you have the right, choice and ability to do that. personally, i am sorry that it's THAT bad. it blows my mind. i went through many painful years with my father as well and it bled into poor relationship decisions with men for me. take out the trash in your life. with care, jen
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Shlay,
Sometimes, and we don't know why the parent/child relationship just doesn't work. It's supposed to, it was designed to, but somewhere along the way it gets broken...it's not your fault, I'm sure you've done everything in your possibility to make things right with your father and I'm sure that the pain that you've endured has been far more than you've ever thought you'd ever had to endure or ever plan on enduring again. Perhaps it's time to put an end to this relationship. One can only do so much to fix something that's broken, and when it's a human connection it really does take both parties to fix it. You have so many other things to focus on fixing, making better, things that you want to make healthier in your life, so that you life can be better for you and to you. Make those your priority now. Don't despair that you won't see your grandmother again, there is always the possibility that she will come and visit you. That would be such a nice thing, you and she together without the cruelty and hatred that exists on the other end. Keep that thought in place and try to make it a reality. I now I've been away from these boards for a long time, but i'm here now, so if you ever need to talk, i'm here. Be strong for yourself, be nice and caring of yourself, and most of all love yourself, for you are worth loving.
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Oh my, what memories your story brought back to me. I am a middle child and I always swore that is the worse. I cannot tell you how many times I got beat with a belt. My dad was an alcholoic, physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. Not a single sibling ever had enough nerve to talk bad to our Dad. I give you kuddos for that. The reason I am telling you my story is my Dad is now 91. Last year when my Mom got sick nobody in AZ wanted to watch out for him. My dad came and spent two weeks with me. I offered for him to come spend some time here in CO knowing he would say no, and he did, but my brother and sisters talked him into it. I was dreading it, as you can imagine. Well, to my surprise, it was the best two weeks I have ever spent with my dad. A year later he is still talking about how much he enjoyed it. Now, I am not comparing my situation with yours, only saying that I can relate. You don't ever have to see him again, but maybe, just maybe, at some point in his life he might change. For your sake I hope so. Again, I admire you for standing up to him, something I never had the nerve to do. Good luck in counseling.
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Shlay,
I don't know what else to say, except I agree with those who posted before me. Their advice was sound. But I have to say that the best advice was to not lose your grandmother in this whole mess. She sounds like a strong and wonderful woman, and you're lucky to have her in your life. You MUST keep in contact, even if it means dealing with your son of a bitch father. My dad died in 1991, and I stood at his bedside and finally told him what a total failure he was as a father. It felt good to get it out, but I wish he was not unconscious when I said it, because I would like to have heard what he would say. Now I will never know. But over the years, I've begun to remember the good times I had with my dad. I realized he was not abusing me out of hate. He was bipolar and had a lot of other issues going on. There were horrible times, but there were joyous times as well. Now, at 52, I try to hold on to those good memories instead of the bad. It makes my life so much easier. I'll say a prayer for you. Good luck with your therapy appt. tomorrow. I think it's the best thing for you... Sandy
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Sounds pretty cruddy. I hope your therapist can get you back on solid footing again. Cruelty from parents, siblings, spouses, children - people we expect should help, not harm - is intense. I found just freewriting, without edits or rereading it, was a way to get the junk overload out of my system. Guided meditations also helped and relaxation breathing. Check out soundstrue.com and their free stuff on iTunes and their sister sites. Your grandma sounds like a caring person in your life. As for her living arrangements, that is her choice. Unless there is elder abuse, you need to step back and let the two of them handle their arrangement. If you want to see her again, save up for a hotel and all the cab fare needed. She could come to you or you could see her when he's not around or at some public location if she's not up to going to the hotel. I know all this is an expense and irritation, but it might just do your heart good to think of this option rather than the saddening thought you're bearing now. Good luck to you.
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shlay, i'm so sorry about that horrid experience...i know you wanted so much more...so glad you stood up for yourself! kudos even though it took so much out of you.
he's clearly SICK. thank God for your grandmother and her real love. endless hugs for what he never gave you... hope you can re-group and recover from all that trauma.
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Not to sound cynical, but just because you grew up around someone, be they parent or sibling, you don't have to be saddled with them for the rest of your life. I made the break and finally I am at peace.
"No dad" is much better than a "bad dad". Good luck sweetie.
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My dad put me down my entire life....this is my opinion and the choice I made but at age 44 I decided ENOUGH! I will not be humiliated by him again. It has been 17 months since I have spoken to him. I am the lucky one I dont have to walk on eggshells any longer as I have done so for 44 years. I am at peace with my decision.
It is ok....just like keeska said "u don't face to be saddled to a parent forever" My disease is hard enough on some things I don't need his humiliation in the mix. My goal in life is to be the best friend, the best listener, a great supporter, a great employee, the best sister, the best mom to my furry kids, etc...everything my father is not. I wish u peace. Xoxo MLC
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Thank you all so much! My therapy session got messed up. Someone called me from their office a few days before saying my appt was at noon, so my friend was driving me on my way there and I saw a voicemail from my therapist. She was telling me that since apparently my appt was all 11, I had to be dropped from their services. Therapy and psych. I don't know what to do. I called the office all frantic because the last apt I missed wasn't my fault due to the bus being really like and the two I missed before that was because of my really bad physical problems.
My old therapist at that office totally understood when I couldn't come in due to pain and wasn't unreasonable when the bus was late. Today was in NO WAY my fault. They called me and told me it was all 12!!! Not 11!!!! So I'm really upset and I don't know what to do or how to find a new psych and therapist. My therapist said she'd speak with her supervisor and get back to me.... I'm just pissed!!! I did not need this bullshit after the two weeks I just went through. I really needed a therapy appt. I guess I really can't count on the people who say they care!!!
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