Chronic Pain Support Group

Wow, that is a tough situation lizzy. It's bad enough becoming a dependent because of illness or CP. Then to be a dependent of a man who is abusing you in this way. Is this possibly a situation for Adult Protective services or some advocates for the disabled? I just don't know but do wish you were in a more workable and lower stress environment. If anything comes to me I will pass it to you. Meanwhile, I am praying for you and I hope you keep hanging in there.

Sherry

Sweetie,
I am so very sorry that your husband is acting like such an arse! First of all, I posted a "Letter To Normals From Someone In Chronic Pain", read it, print it and give it to him. See if that letter makes him understand a little bit about what you are going through.

Are you thinking of applying for social security disability? or what is that you are doing now?
Have you talk to him about the vows? That if this was him in pain and sick you would be the one working, taking care of the bills and of him? He doesn't see that it could be the other way around????!

Do you have family members that support you emotionally close to you?
Do not allow him to scream at you! Do not allow him to treat you like you are less than him! If you do, he is going to do it more and more every single day, and is going to get worst!

What are your Doctor's saying about your condition? Are you going to need surgery? PT? or what? Do you know what your future holds as far as your conditions? What are your Doctor's telling you?

If he leaves you, he is going to have to pay you Alimony, it doesn't work that way! So if he wants to go, call a lawyer, do not allow him to treat you that way! Stand for your rights, stand for yourself! Take care and we are here to help you out and listen to you.

Soft hugs,

Tipper

Lizzy,
GET OUT--NOW! TAKE YOUR PURSE, YOUR MEDICATION, YOUR CHILDREN IF THEY STILL LIVE AT HOME AND LEAVE NOW! If you can't get to your purse, leave it behind; everything in it is replaceable. Just get OUT.

Do not wait until your husband gets home. Do not wait until tomorrow when he's at work. Do not wait until next week when you get a paycheck. You need to leave now! Just pick up and leave; make a reasonable excuse if you have to. Just go!

Please call the local crisis hotline. Your profile says you're in Borger TX. Here is the Hutchinson County Crisis Center Hotline: (806) 273-2313. Their regular number is (806) 677-1701. Please call their hotline NOW; you are in true crisis situation.

You already know you are in a very dangerous situation that has already escalated into to verbal violence and can quickly escalate to physical violence. You are not dependent on this man for anything. You have the power to control your own life and you need to take that power and take change and get away from him NOW. I know it's so much easier said than done, but you can and need to do it and do it now. Verbal and emotional abuse is just as dangerous as physical abuse and often turns into physical abuse at a moment's notice. GET OUT NOW!

Please call the crisis hotline! They will help you find a shelter for you and your daughters to stay in tonight. They will help keep you safe and provide you emotional and physical support.

There's also an email address for the crisis center: Email: nluginbyhl@borgerhc3.org (her first name is Norma). But please don't wait for an email response, call the hotline!

You can also go to a friend or family member's home, but a shelter is generally safer. Fewer people know where they are, they're well patrolled by the police and you can get immediate support.

There are plenty of shelters and support/crisis hotlines in the Amarillo area as well; I just don't know how close you are (just thought of them based on the area code for Borger).

Just please, get out and get some help NOW. Please do not stay in a dangerous situation. You need to do what's right and safe for YOU. And you need to do it NOW.

Gentle hugs and many, many prayers,
Ruth

PS Please let us know how you're doing once you're somewhere safe (you don't have to tell us where, just let us know that you're safe).

I agree with ihavepkd.. You need to get out of this relationship. He's trying to control you. He's kicking you while your already down. That's abuse in itself. He knows your emotionaly and physically ill from your CP and is still treating you this way. This is NOT healthy for you. Your CP is gonna spiral out of control with all the stress he's gonna put you thru. Eventually you'll end up in the hospital and he'll probaly get even more upset with you for having to go to the hospital. Do you really want to continue living this way? Call a friend or family member and get the hell out of there! You need to take care of yourself. Please I beg you! Don't let him continue to treat you this way. You deserve better then this. This doesn't have to be your life. Please take care of yourself first.

~hugs

stress and pain dont miss so having less stress in your life helps out alot.
i would leave as fast as i could or .......sit him down and lay down the law that your not going to have this crap anymore.
it's really up to on how you should be treated.
once you let him treat you like that he will unless you put a stop to it now.

So sorry to hear you are going through this. I don't have any advice that anyone else hasn't offered. I feel for you though. I have felt trapped myself at times, being unable to work and dependent on my partner. It's not an easy situation to be in. Wishing you the best of luck.

I couldnt say anything better than those posts before me(these people are angels!) but I do agree, if you can, you need to leave. That is a daunting thought I am sure though. If you cant leave immediately, maybe do it a step at a time....he needs phychological help, shame on him for further victimizing you. My heart goes out to you. I pray that you will find a safe place soon where you dont feel threatened and abused. Hugs, Dee

If you can, take the car-cpp's need transportation to appts.

I am, again, going to play Devil's Advocate here. I DO NOT endorse spousal abuse, in any form.

I DO understand the immense pressure some of our men (or women) are under to support an entire family in this financial crap we are all going through.

My dh is a wonderful man. A sensitive lover, a good provider, honest to a fault, dedicated to ME and only me. But, he's a cop, his dad was a cop, he COMMUNICATES by yelling. He has seen the worst of human behavior, and it effects him. (And HIS father was a jerk, who never said a kind word to anyone in his life.) We have been through the "can't you get a job? Can't you help out?" thing, too.

I have a small business of my own, it doesn't make a lot of money (mostly because I see too many clients for free, especially since this financial crisis started.) I "worked" for the first 14 years or so of our marriage, doing day care, picking up Nursing shifts when I could, delivering phone books with my babies in a wagon, what ever I could do, and not leave my kids for long, it became impossible when the CP hit very badly.

When things got BAD, (no physical abuse, just lots of yelling) about 20 years ago, I asked Denny to go to counseling with me. He said, "no, they will blame it all on me." I thought, "Well why would you think that, if you SAY it's all my fault?" So I WENT ALONE. Got my own therapy. It helped SO much. I learned to communicate better (I am a yeller, too. I have a Mediterranean/Latin temper.) I learned the basics of how to "fight fair" (which we both forget from time to time.) He learned through me. Things are better but not perfect. WHO has a perfect marriage?

We aren't perfect and only YOU know how bad it is, or IF you are really in danger.

It's scary when the person we love "says" things. (I am NOT talking about PHYSICAL violence or threatening physical violence.) If Den yells it now, I KNOW he won't follow through (we've been together for more than 25 years) and I simply do what I have to do to get better. "Working" (aside from my business, when I decide when I can work) is out of the question, but he has to understand that, just like I have to understand that HE feels really ALONE being the sole supporter of a family of six. THAT is as stressful to him as my pain is to me. We have to understand what each other are going through. I see no reason to be an alarmist or break up marriages because some people communicate different than others. Some marraiges,where the couple NEVER fights are a LOT worse than those of us who get it all out in the open.

A good man is hard to find. A lot of people say "You can do it alone." Maybe, maybe not. I COULDN'T. I NEED health insurance, I NEED a man to support me, I NEED MY man. I LOVE my man. Weak? No, just realistic. I CAN'T do it alone.

Not only does the USA NOT have a Universal Health Care plan (and it doesn't look like ANYONE cares enough in Congress to make this happen) but going without meds, going without my man, leaving my children Fatherless isn't an option. He is NOT "abusive" he is just stressed. (H doesn't HIT, or threaten Violence, THAT would be a breaking point. We sometimes argue. I don't see that as abuse. I'm usually louder than he is.) I have NO idea if you are in the same situation or not. Denny yells, and doesn't follow through. (even my kids know this) I yell, and usually DO follow through. That's why I am still here. I can't imagine loving anyone like I love him.

Not long ago, I urged an other woman to leave her obviously abusive husband (I have no idea if she did or not.) . She WAS in danger. I don't know if you are. Getting help, even free help from a women's shelter in the form of therapy is the best thing you can do right now. IF there were physical violence or the THREAT of violence, then, yes, get out. YELLING isn't a reason to end a marriage that is otherwise good.

Your mileage may vary.

I agree with P GELL noone has the right to tell you to leave right now. Unless you posted onhere that he was very physically abusive. It is hard enough to deal with everything else going on and add marriage issues on top.
Maybe you just need to go somewhere for a couple of days. Do you have somewhere to go and then he will see what it would be like to be without you.
Stress can make any situation and tear it apart. If my husband wuld have taken all the things I have yelled at him over the years I would be alone right now. Adress the situation and if you need to leave then o.k. but if it isn't that threatening than try and see if he will go to counseling/