What is Chronic Pain
Chronic pain becomes chronic when it persists longer than 6 months and is resistant to medical management. Millions of Americans are chronic pain patients and some exper...
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On the brink of divorce.. any suggestions?
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I am 33 and have been married for 3 1/2 years. I have had chronic medical issues since I was 21, so my husband was aware of my medical conditions when we met, dated, and yes when he married me. He knew it was possible we wouldn't be able to conceive. The only new symptom is this chronic nerve pain that I have had for the last four years, only becoming worse in the last two. My medical conditions include PCOS, endometriosis, chronic pelvic pain, interstitial cystitis, pelvic congestion syndrome, IBS, chronic nerve pain, and chronic leg and back pain. Now my marriage is falling apart. He says he doesn't think he can be with someone who is sick all the time and now knows he is not ready to have kids with me because of this. I guess some people forget about the in sickness and in health portion of the vows.
My husband seems to think that my medical conditions can't be bad because if they were, my doctors would have admitted me into the hospital for several weeks for observation. He also thinks that I allow my pain to run my life. I disagree. He thinks that when the pain gets so bad that I have trouble walking, I am supposed to push through this excrutiating pain and not let it slow me down. I have heard him say things like I am weak with a low pain threshhold, I don't go to work just because I don't feel like it not because I'm sick, I am not contributing anything to the marriage, and that I am useless at times. THis he says to the woman that works full time, went to school, and still managed to do 90% of the housework, cooking, laundry and ironing, etc. This alone makes me feel like my marriage is over. How can anyone say these things to someone they supposedly love?! His excuse is that he is frustrated. I say that there is no excuse for treating someone so badly because of illness. Of course I would rather be pain free and completely healthy! But that is not the hand that God dealt me. I go to all the doctor's appointments, try nerve blocks that always fail, go to physical therapy, and jump through whatever hoops the doctors tell me to. Yes, sometimes I am unable to work due to one condition or the other. For example, the last time I was out for an extended period of time was due to a menstruation that lasted 10 weeks and landed me in emergency surgery one blood level away from needing a transfusion. I was completely exhausted afterwards while my body tried to rebuild its blood supply and I got depressed. But this man has seen me work 3 jobs at the same time, work two jobs and go to school, and finally get my bachelors degree one month ago. He should know from experience that I am not lazy and I am a fighter. So why has he given up on me know? Any insights? Can anyone tell me if I'm crazy for not wanting his verbal abuse in my life anymore? Does anyone want to explain what he might be going through? Please help. Posted on 06/09/09, 01:06 am |
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Hi Exhausted lady. No,you are not wrong to not want all your husband's negative talk. He should ask himself how he would feel if the tables were turned. To be honest,reading your story made me very angry. I am so lucky my husband is the opposite. I have had chronic nerve pain for 7 years and stops me being able to function normally. My husband and teenage son do a lot for me around the house as my pain stops me doing a lot. I only get 1-2 hours sleep per night and have to spend a number of hours in bed each day. I too have had nerve blocks,which didn't work and also had the nerve frozen a couple of times. 7 weeks ago I had a nerve ablation(nerve was cut). It stopped the pain in one spot,but then it moved higher up. I have a knife twisting pain which starts at the right rib and radiates around into my back. Sometimes it burns. I do home educate my son,but do my best. Sometimes I have to stop. My son has autism and was bullied at school. After 6 schools,my husband and I were fed up. I would like to hear from you. Wendy 
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Sweet heart, my heart goes out to you. I agree with others that you definitely need to go to marriage counselor. Your husband has a very big problem with understanding chronic pain. Not many people who never knew what this is understand what this is exactly - CP? This is why he thinks they would admit you to the Hospital if you would be so sick. Someone proffesional has to explain to him what this is and how to leave with it. I believe you make an app and go there first by yourself and explain everything what is in your heart. And than come together. I don't want to lie and say that CP doesn't affect relationships; it does. I am very lucky to have my husband for 30 years who my best friend and the most sincere and understanding man I ever knew. He is there for me regardless.
I am the one who never complains; I don't cry on front of anybody, I don't talk about my problems at all. I have my brave face and if I cry I do it myself. I love my family so much and I don;t want them to be upset for me. And they do when they see I can't walk at all or I can't get up. But I still try to smile and tell them not to worry tomorrow will be better. I don't believe in complaining - nobody can help me anyway, why make everyone miserable? They see me in pain anyhow, due to my damages I don't walk straight or without a cane. Honey, I had my partial hysterectomy due to endometriosis at age 33 and a full one 10 years later. My daughter inheretit same thing from me ( a lot of problems in that area), she has 2 little kids right now thank God. So maybe you have a chance still, don't you give up. You are so young and so much going for you. He is frastrated right now for sure, guys get shy if marriage is not what they expected: fun and a good times. He needs his time to adjust to the idea that his wife is not well. Right now he thinks you are weak b/c he doesn't know what pain is and that many kind of pain when we can push and some of it when we can't... he has to learn this. Best of luck to you and I hope you, guys, will work it out. Don't rush with braking your marriage; easy to break, work hard first to make it work... Love and Blessings
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OH darlin,
I know all too well what it,s like,and how frustrating pain can do to you,i was married for 22yrs together 25+yrs like you my nold man knew all about my health problem,s i have a knackered back shoulder and neck i have kidney problem,s i have had also had renal cancer,and bladder cancer and i have had a total hysterectomy because i had ovarian cancer,i did however managed to get preganant after being told i,d never have kid,s [i,d been sterilised 2 yrs prior]but i managed to fall pregnant and now have a strapping 21yrs son,like you i live in acute chronic pain 24/7 i am on high doses of morphine which sadly arn,t working anymore, My husband was very similer to your husband except i was with mine for 25+yrs,he used to tell me your pain can,t be that bad, if i so much as smiled also the physical side of our realtionship went down the pan, let,s face it when your in pain the last thing you want is sex!, pain rob,s you of so much,you find yourself crying with frustration cuz you can,t do the things you used to,my old man used to tell me you use your pain as an excuse not to be intermite with me,i didn,t at all i wanted him to kinda morph into my body just so he could understand how bad it was for me,but all he could think of was his own needs,so 2 week,s before christmas he left me he,d been e-mailing his tart for almost a year,maybe try and see if you could get a pain management nurse or doctor to try to explain it to your husband? i asked my husband to go to marriage councelling sadly it was too late for me,my pain has gotten worse the past 17yrs but there is still hope for you,it would be worth speakimng to your pain team and explain to them how bad things are getting and maybe they can help you? I am still fighting to get a painpump,i know how hard the road your on is but i sincerely hope you will get the help you both need take care shaz x
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I feel your pain, my wife and I had the "take a break" speech just this evening. I know from past experience, that this is the beginning of the end. I relate to how you described every thing. They just don't know how we work, they see us as broken. Yah, what ever happened to in sickness AND health. Well I just wanted you to know that your not alone, and now I know I'm not ether. Thankyou
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you are better off without the negativtiy and stress and verbal abuse. shame on him!!!!!! You need to take care of yourself and always having your so called loving husband doubt you and say you do nothing and are useless is not helping you one bit. Honey you can do bad all by yourself you don;t need someone dragging you futher down. I wish that the doubters in chronic pain sufferers lifes could have our pain for just 24 hrs. I know how understanding they would be afterwards!!! good luck I hope the best for you.
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Honey,
I am about to give the unpopular advice here........ But would you rather stay married to someone that belittles you, does not understand your pain and suffering, does not celebrate your accomplishments and thinks that you are a hypochondriac or be by yourself? If you ask me, I rather be by myself! I a widow and became a widow at 29 due to my husband's liver cancer. I was there with him till the end and was left with 4 little ones. I remember my vows.... now that I am in CP and have lots of issues, it has become difficult to date and or find someone that understands my conditions and what I go thru. I have learned to live by myself, to count on me, and I have never been happier in my life. You do not need the emotional turmoil! Good luck to you.
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He has lost all hope as to what he can do to help the woman he loves. may I suggest you both find the money for a trip to cuba...yes, our quote ''enemy''. Just show up at their hospital. they will help you with all the paperwork required...lol...your name and birthdate. They will find out the rest from there. (go figure) just tell them your story. sounds like you should write a journal before you go. they have clinical expertise there that actually finds problems, cures them, and gives recommendations on what to do here. And they don't use humans for test dummies. I'd guess they love making the usa look bad....a good thing for you! Brazil is another very inexpensive alternative, although the usa is fast getting control of them too.
On your part, you have to resist the instinct to complain to those closest to you...to him. it makes him feel somehow responsible. Responsible and a failure for you, the one person he wants desperately to save, but cannot. Take away for a moment all these medical issues and look at your relationship then. I'm sure its wonderful....full of smiles, productivity and growth. The barrage of drugs you must be taking, combined with the pains you are not getting relieved with them, will cause you mental instability, where the only alternative 'is' for you to be alone. You are in a very destructive time in your life. Not of your own creation. Alone, unfortunately is most likely the best. I am a veteran, so it hurts so deeply to say that your cure is in Cuba, Brazil, Thailand, or Canada. almost anywhere else is better. just not in the USA, as you can see.... on this site.... and in your own life. At least you as a couple could try one last thing before you hate each other...take the trip, take it together. People going outside are finding such simple help, it is unbelievably disturbing, should be prosecutable for willful attempted manslaughter, but their power and control is overwhelming. They laugh and spend all of 'your' money, to find ''me'', and shut me up. This is just some suggestions, research and make your own decisions. click around on earthlink dot com. you will be amazed. I was....totally! I hate bringing light to them, because they are so right, they will be brought down. Also think about China....maybe less sickness than California?? And it is 'not' that China has an exemplary practice, think about that. If you dont find what you need email me. I have lived it. 7 years of research and trials.... and destruction. Also I know of an almost cure-all drug that is safe, non addictive, with simple instructions, again of course, illegal in the usa, and they are quickly removing it from the rest of the world....just so they can ''invent'' it, and they will have removed all resources for competition and comparison of what it really is. Oooops!.
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Nokaoi, no offense meant at ALL but this is a support group and this is the second post I've read from you tonight that not only seems negative but sounds like a commercial....how can you say she should "resist complaining" to those closest to her??? What about sharing how you feel and what you think to those you love most?? Please, be supportive or don't post.
ExhaustedLady, know that I hope the very best for you. I have not come across a post from you in a bit and I'm thinking good thoughts for you.
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Thank you all for your support and advice. For right now, I am not touching the subject until we get into a marriage counselors office. I need to see someone else's reactions to his behavior and the things he says. Surely a good counselor will explain to him that this behavior is not productive, not helpful, and actually further aggravates my illnesses. We'll go from there.
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Exhausted- I'm so glad you both are going to someone who can mediate the situation. I think it's a really good idea. Keep DS posted on your progress. : )
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