What is Chronic Pain
Chronic pain becomes chronic when it persists longer than 6 months and is resistant to medical management. Millions of Americans are chronic pain patients and some exper...
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On the brink of divorce.. any suggestions?
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I am 33 and have been married for 3 1/2 years. I have had chronic medical issues since I was 21, so my husband was aware of my medical conditions when we met, dated, and yes when he married me. He knew it was possible we wouldn't be able to conceive. The only new symptom is this chronic nerve pain that I have had for the last four years, only becoming worse in the last two. My medical conditions include PCOS, endometriosis, chronic pelvic pain, interstitial cystitis, pelvic congestion syndrome, IBS, chronic nerve pain, and chronic leg and back pain. Now my marriage is falling apart. He says he doesn't think he can be with someone who is sick all the time and now knows he is not ready to have kids with me because of this. I guess some people forget about the in sickness and in health portion of the vows.
My husband seems to think that my medical conditions can't be bad because if they were, my doctors would have admitted me into the hospital for several weeks for observation. He also thinks that I allow my pain to run my life. I disagree. He thinks that when the pain gets so bad that I have trouble walking, I am supposed to push through this excrutiating pain and not let it slow me down. I have heard him say things like I am weak with a low pain threshhold, I don't go to work just because I don't feel like it not because I'm sick, I am not contributing anything to the marriage, and that I am useless at times. THis he says to the woman that works full time, went to school, and still managed to do 90% of the housework, cooking, laundry and ironing, etc. This alone makes me feel like my marriage is over. How can anyone say these things to someone they supposedly love?! His excuse is that he is frustrated. I say that there is no excuse for treating someone so badly because of illness. Of course I would rather be pain free and completely healthy! But that is not the hand that God dealt me. I go to all the doctor's appointments, try nerve blocks that always fail, go to physical therapy, and jump through whatever hoops the doctors tell me to. Yes, sometimes I am unable to work due to one condition or the other. For example, the last time I was out for an extended period of time was due to a menstruation that lasted 10 weeks and landed me in emergency surgery one blood level away from needing a transfusion. I was completely exhausted afterwards while my body tried to rebuild its blood supply and I got depressed. But this man has seen me work 3 jobs at the same time, work two jobs and go to school, and finally get my bachelors degree one month ago. He should know from experience that I am not lazy and I am a fighter. So why has he given up on me know? Any insights? Can anyone tell me if I'm crazy for not wanting his verbal abuse in my life anymore? Does anyone want to explain what he might be going through? Please help. Posted on 06/09/09, 01:06 am |
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For whatever it's worth, my own marriage was messed up by my illness along with other factors so your not alone in this. She had a hard time dealing with the depression that goes along with the pain.
I know it's hard both emotionally and physically and probably adds to the physical pain you already feel. First and foremost I would strongly recommend a marriage counselor. Get it all out in the open with an impartial mediator. It may not help much but it's always worth a try. If possible try to get letters from the Dr. to back up that your not faking it. Perhaps get him to also talk with the Dr. I have no doubt that if your both willing to work on it that it can be worked out and the marriage saved. Hopefully the problems are not beyond reconciliation. If the Dr is willing to talk with him that would be good also. So he can get the information first hand. I don't know if you are a woman of faith or not but prayer is also always good. So long as he hasn't made the "final" decision there is still hope. It will take work on both your parts but it can be done. I wish I had better advice for you. you are in my prayers. 
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I sympathise, because my first husband had no understanding of illness in other people.
I deveolped pneumonia just seven months into our marriage and was so ill I had to give up my job. He believed that I was faking much of my illness and complained that without my wages coming in we were struggling to makae ends meet. As if I didn't know that! I took another job as soon as my GP told me I was fit enough. I workded really hard and in the course of my work, I injured my back badly. Had to give up that job. Again, I took another job as soon as I was able. In the midst of all this, I suffered two bereavements within six weeks. I was rendered really low, sufferde one illness after another. He believed, again that I was play-acting. It was a different story when he caught flu and then suffered a bereavement. He lay on the living room floor, MOANING and bursting into tears! He left me in 1991, ran off with my (so-called) best friend. Best thing he ever did for me! This man of yours isn't worth your angst. You're in my prayers.
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Your post takes me back to a night years ago when my husband said to me "Now I know why people leave people like you." This was after I had to cancel a night out with friends becasue I was too sick. We had been married for 13 years at that point.
I agree with dragon about marriage counseling. We went that route and decided to fight for the marriage. I also didn't know at the time he had turned to another woman and we had that to deal with as well. What the counseling did for us was open up the communication so he could tell me his needs and I was able to share what was going on with me. We talked about it just being too much and if he needed to walk then so be it. We had a a rough couple of months and then both of us got to work and made the changes we needed to to save our marriage. My concern is the way he verbally abuses you. I would not tolerate it and except for that snide remark my husband made, he never put me down. Communication is the place to start and it is SO helpful to have someone else, a counselor who has no dog in the fight to mediate the process. Then you will both be able to decide what the next steps are so you can have some peace. Stress is bad for everyone but for chronic painers it's worse. That is one of the things I will get on my husband about if he picks an arguement when I am down. I do not need any stress when I am like that and could he please wait till I am at a better place. I hope things work out!
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Chronic pain does a lot of things to relationships.
A Lot of people in chronic pain have a lot of the same issues when it comes to relationships. If we are in pain and do something it doesn't help with the pain. I know i have issues with my b/f, saying he shouldn't have to be here.I also have told him several times to go and have a normal life. Counselling does help.It gets everything out in the open. Your husband should be understanding of your pain and how it affects the quality of life. If you want to talk feel free to message me anytime.
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Dear Exhausted,
I am so sorry. I can read between the lines and you obviously love this man. Like you, when I took my vows, "in sickness and in health", I meant them, I was married for 21 years (my first marriage). My marriage started falling apart pretty much at the same time my health started to decline. I had the usual aches and pains and always had a bad back but I was getting sick more often and not getting better. I had to have a few surgeries and had a host of unexplained issues that later got sorted out with a diagnosis of systemic lupus. Long and short of it, I got traded in- he didn't stand by me even though I stood by him and struggled to make a nice home for all of us (we have two children). It was a nasty divorce and even nastier custody battle- he actually thought that I would just hand over the kids, house, everything and walk away! I was like- who is this person? It took me awhile to heal from the pain. I had to forgive (I did not say forget!) because I can not carry that around with me as it is not good for my health. I am now married to a wonderful man who treats me like a princess. People wonder how we manage as BOTH of us are chronic pain patients but you know what? We know where the other one is coming from emotionally and physically. There is a lot to be said for this. Don't get me wrong, it's not easy by any means but I think we all know the frustration of trying to explain our pain (or medication issues) to someone who doesn't deal with chronic pain- it's like speaking German to a French person! I do hope your husband can get through whatever it is that is bothering him- did anything critical happen in his life recently (change or loss of job, fear of losing his job?) One thing is certain, you need to let him know that the comments that he makes really hurt. I wish you all the best, xoxoLyn
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We have tried marriage counseling before but I think we chose the wrong counselor. We needed someone that would call us out on our bs not ask how we feel all the time. As for inviting him to dr's visits, I've done that. The doctor explained to him that some people have chronic pain all their lives and have to manage it with medications. The thing that breaks my heart is that I loved so much that I took care of all of his needs for him. Despite working full time and going to school, I always made sure I also performed more of my share of the household duties. I took excellent care of him and his family knows this. I even encourage him to spend more time with his family and have given up every holiday with my family so we could be together with his. No one can say that I have not been a great wife to him. What his family said to him was that they have seen how he treats me and they can tell he is not happy. Being the enablers that they are, they told him they think he's right that I take too much time off work and his verbal abuse is somehow okay because he's frustrated. Needless to say, I have lost my trust in my in-laws. Maybe they don't see that it is better for them to tell him, "son, you should never treat your wife that way, no matter how badly you feel." And what's sad is that I am not to blame for his misery, he is. He withdraws and does not like being social and then gets depressed because he doesn't have any friends. He comes home, sits in front of the tv and there he stays until bedtime. Illnesses aside, I have been lonely for a long time because of this. I have asked that he see a psychologist about his anxiety issues and obsession with expecting the worst all of the time. Unless he can improve in this area, I don't think there is any hope for us. I have felt so badly treated lately that I am not even sure that I want to fight for our marriage anymore.
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I have seen this happen to friends before. Sometimes it can get bad, but if he is willing to go to couples therapy, try it!! If not, then you are better off without him. I know that sounds harsh, but I have been there too. I remarried 26 years ago to a wonderful man. Yes, sometimes he hurts my feeling when he asks how I feel and I reply that I am in pain, he says "take something". But I do know that he cares. When I had my first brain tumor removed 1/08, it hit him like a ton of bricks. I got lucky this time. It sounds like you need to move on. You are in my prayers! You don't deserve this kind of treatment.
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With my first husband, I suggested counselling, but he wouldn't hear of it......
Couple of years after that, when things were really bad, he threw at me one morning in the middle of a row, that he'd made an appointment for us to see a marriage counsellor, but had cancelled it - because he KNEW I wouldn't be willing.....!
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Don't you just wish that when your pain is at it's worse the rest of the world and all our problems could be put on hold?
It sounds like your husband has some issues of his own, aside from your combined problems, to deal with. It is possible that if all he does is come home from work and sit watching television, and look for the worst in everything he may be suffering from Depression himself. Was he like this when you dated and married? My husband and I have been married coming upon 23 years and though my original injury happened 26 years ago, my Chronic Pain began 7 years ago. In one sense I am fortunate because we were both involved in our car accident and he suffered injuries himself (had his right leg amputated just below the knee) so he understands to some extent what I am going through, he does not suffer from Chronic Pain so that part of it is foreign to him. As others have posted, communication is the absolute key! When my pain is at it's worst, I tend to withdraw and that is usually when we have conflict, that is something I continue to work at. Also during my 'good' moments, I have to remember he is an individual as well! Marriage is about two people and if one person's needs are never met, they are going to get discouraged and wonder what they are doing in the relationship. I think that counseling may be part of the solution, but I would suggest individual counseling either before you attend as a couple or do them parallel to each other. I hope some of the posts help you, I will keep you in my thoughts. Crafty
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Crafty, you hit the nail on the head about how I feel. I have asked him to go work with a counselor on his own issues first before we go into marriage counseling. He needs to understand why he behaves that way towards me especially since one of the reasons he suspects he behaves this way is to chase me away. I try to meet his needs but the greatest need he expresses is financial stability which he does not feel he can have with a "sick" person. Most days I am in so much pain it takes several minutes to get out of bed. But it's not serious because I'm not confined to a hospital?! I am sorry I sound so frustrated but I am. It seems he doesn't even try to understand what I am going through. The depression I have is going to a new level one too scary for me to write about. I was depressed before, but having him repeatedly beat me down with his words has taken its toll. I don't know why I bother trying to function anymore.
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