Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Support Group

Insist that your doctor check your hormone levels. It could be that your endocrine system is not working properly and your testosterone level may be low. Then you can get supplements that will help.

I think the major reason my sex life crashed and burned was the effect of ME/CFS...or whatever it is I have.

I would be OK for a few days of sexual intimacy at most. Then I would crash and lose all interest in sex. I think my partners assumed that I had lost interest in them specifically, so off they went.

I had no diagnosis back then...doctors always told me my blood work was good, so I was fine. No one ever checked testosterone levels...not ever. I foolishly trusted the doctors and assumed everything was my fault somehow...that's what I was brought up to do about problems I encountered in life.

I've since read that having sex is a problem for people with ME/CFS...it causes a post-event malaise just like emotional trauma and exercise. It's like the whole world changes from its normal colors to a dull gray.

Sex? Really??.....I remember that........!!

Doesn't that require some participation on my part?

Nah! I shouldn't joke about it I suppose. I find that when the topic of sex comes up, I give up two days of doing anything else, to find the energy to be with my husband. We do well with sex. It isn't the bunny hop! Intimacy is also the hand holding, the loving embrace on the couch during a movie, the little kisses on the forehead.

Surely sex is important in our relationships. And I think we should do EVERYTHING we can to save up our spoons for that person we love.

If you can't joke about misery, what can you joke about?...LOL.

If I couldn't laugh about the absurdity of my calamity of a life, I would likely go bonkers. After a while you accumulate so many things that have gone seriously wrong in your life, that it just gets ridiculous. Losing my sex life was one of the big ones for me.

Even the kissing and holding hands etc. is hard (I suppose "difficult" is more the word). The excitement of it is all gone. I'm just so OFF in every way. Intimacy itself can be demanding as well as just make me feel horrible in a very phisical way, almost like a different kind of suffocation. I also feel like whoever I'm with can tell if I'm not into it, especially if I'm not hard. Maybe married couples are more understanding, but when you're twenty-something and trying to keep up with the pace of dating, it seems like the topic is unavoidable, and generally, things don't last. What girl in her twenties will want to commit to this?

Sounds like you all are conivinced that CFS can not be passed sexually?

I know one or two people on here have told me that they have had a good sex life with their husband/wife for many decades and this illness was never passed to the other partner. I am one who believes that in about 30% of cases, it is passed sexually.

Some women, even in their 20s wouldn't mind not having sex very often. People are all different.

I think the best thing you can do is to explain in advance that you have a fatigue problem. The main reason for this is that we women often think that if a guy is not interested it absolutely must be us from the way we look to the things we do. It would be good to put into the conversation that when she is ready to add that to the relationship it would be best to wait for a moment when your energy levels are good (or you know as good as it gets). There is nothing wrong with telling her the truth.

Being a woman and talking to other women throughout my lifetime, you do have a slight advantage here. Seriously if you are very nice to a woman she will put up with a lot. Just be honest about your illness from the begining to be in that nice catagory. A lot of women are so happy to have a guy accepting of who they are that they won't even care about your health issues. Not all, but a lot. While the super active woman is not going to be a good match, the one who likes to read a lot just might be a good fit.

A woman who has some kind of pain in her own life might be a good match. The reason is because you both have something big to deal with and will be more accepting and considerate of each other than if you weren't each going through something. Are we with cfs not a bit more compassionate just because we know what it's like to live with something difficult? It stands to reason that others with a difficult situation or past may just be that way as well. Of course proceed with caution.

So a little window in to girl talk. Over and over amongst ourselves we say, "I just want a guy who is honest." "All I want is a guy who thinks about me for a change." "He just has to treat me well."

It isn't that a sex life has no importance. It's just that there are so many other things that are a much bigger deal.

There are small things that might help too. Like doing more of the snuggling kind of things might get you more in the mood. It is more relaxing and takes less energy, but you still are physically close. Kissing standing up can be more taxing at times. I bet the pressure you are feeling about the situation isn't helping at all. I'm thinking being very honest about how the cfs effects intimate stuff might make things a lot better. A massage from her maybe will help...unless all you want to do afterward is sleep. Of course there is always the random girl who will take this as the most fun challenge she has ever had, afterall you are in your twenties.

Ok. Flying Chicklet, Where do we come up with these names?
I think KnufflesMcBlimp has come up with some valid concerns
and opened a topic that we're all dealing with here. In some way
or another and probably more so because of his age and the
nature of 'the dating world'. I really liked what you (F.C.) had to say
in response from a woman's view, window here. Being upfront and
being honest. I also feel it has to do with a change in view about
who we are and probably how we see others. How comfortable we are with our limitations. Do we pressure ourselves to be
"Mr. Perfect" or Ms. Right, when our lives have clearly changed.
I'm going through that myself. I'm still learning to lighten up on
myself. to love 'what is' and know that good relationships go
beyond the physical. I would hope there are woman in their
20's who would be happy to be with you for who you are.
Not everyone is Tom Cruise and Katie and look what
happens to Hollywood marriages. Nothing's perfect. That
much I do know.

I've heard for so many years that women say they want a guy who is caring, honest, sensitive, and all that.

But I was suspicious about that. My own experience of life did not support that idea at all. I felt vindicated when I read of a sociological study that looked at the kind of men that women choose for their serious relationships.

The reality, ladies and gentlemen, is that women almost always choose men based on their virility and health, their looks, their position of power in society, and their sexual abilities. They may have lifelong friendships with other types of men, but they just don't think of these guys as "boyfriend material".

This changes somewhat as they become older and pass their childbearing years, but young women who look for life partners choose on the basis of deeply instinctual drives. What they say is important to them is always very different from what really matters to them in choosing a mate.

I'm not sexist, men choose partners based on similar criteria. Love may seem blind, but it's really not.

I agree with most of what Richie said. I think as people get older, they learn to cope with their changing bodies and don't expect them to be what they used to be, so in turn, they don't expect as much from a partner on those levels. People in their 20's have very high expectations for themselves and their peers. Also, like Richie, I've grown up around women all saying they want the same nice guy crap, but all it gets you in reality is friendship. I'm guessing these virtues are worth more in old age.