Caring For Aging Parents Support Group

I wish I could see my Dad every day also, but he's about 45 minutes away and working full time and helping my Mom too makes this impossible. I go about every 3 days...any less and we're in trouble, he gets so lost and confused and aggitated. Any more and it almost confuses him when I'm not there the next day. I hate not being there, but I also know I need some balance or I'm not any good for him either.

I had to work on balancing this for quite awhile, trying different approaches, different times of day, etc. Too late in the evening and he doesn't settle down for sleep, too early and sometimes he's not quite up for a visit.

I do think it also helps his caregivers if I'm not there every day, he tends to not want them to help if he knows I'll be there, for awhile I was having to run out to do everything...but he's a bit more receptive to them now.

Bad days, I head there...good days I try to enjoy with him...the even ones I try to let ride. But I call and check with them all the time to keep my mind at rest.

It's so hard isn't it not having them home? And impossible to keep them there at these times. So frustrating.

Good luck honey, I know you'll find a balance. You are such a loving daughter.

We were fortunate, because we found a nursing home that could be easily visited between my supermarket, mall, and home. As a result, I was able to stop in every day without having to drive a long way.

I figured it was better to visit, even if it was just for five minutes every day than an hour once every few weeks, since Mom's memory was shot. I thought she would remember it more if I appeared to be there more frequently, but I'm not sure she even knew that much.

If it's Alzheimer's I'm not sure it makes much difference toward the end :-( since their sense of time is all messed up. So if you can't realistically make it every day, I would go whenever you can and not feel too guilty.

If the staff is good, they will be there for her and they will know what's best in between your visits.

Thank you guys so much for your insight. You both seem to have such great understanding of the situation. It is hard to have them in the NH and realize that you just can't take care of them at home. I stayed away for a couple of days, and went to visit today. She was so super nice to me, I thought, well this is the balance! Then I realized she didn't know who I was. I took some pictures I was going to put on her wall and I asked her if she knew who it was in the picture. She said that's you and me ( it was her and her youngest sister). I showed her a pic of me and she said that's my daughter. It's so sad :- (

I think it's great that you want to spend quality time with your mother, but keep in mind that maybe 2 or 3 visits a week is preferable. It's important for the staff to see the "resident" with regular visitors because they're more likely to become more efficient caregivers. My heart goes out for the elderly residents who rarely have anyone to visit them. It's really sad.

Mom's being released from the hospital, after spending nearly three weeks there. She'll be transported from the hospital into a skilled nursing facility tomorrow. We're hoping this will be temporary, since we're working endlessly to find her a suitable assisted living facility.

I hope everything goes well for your mother....take care.

Sabrina

Oh Joy, I'm so sorry, the days where they don't know us are so hard...so very sad. I'm sure she knows you in her heart and showed that with the happiness she felt with you around.

I know one thing, I will always remember my Father and as he struggles, I remind him of this and make sure he knows I will always be there.

Balance is the key to surviving this...keep us posted.

My mom didn't recognize me most days, either. She thought I was her sister -- which was an incredible compliment, since they had been twins and loved each other sooo much.

What I really loved, though, was a young CNA who took care of my mother. She didn't look like me; however, she was about my height and had nearly the same color hair. She also had an outgoing personality like I do.

My mom adored her and we both suspected that the CNA reminded her of me when I was younger. So it made me feel really blessed to have my mom thinking that I was still there with her all day long.