What is Caring-For-Aging-Parents
Elderly care or simply eldercare is the fulfillment of the special needs and requirements that are unique to senior citizens. This broad term encompasses such services as assisted ...
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I do not knkow what to do. Please help.
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Hi all, I am new here. I am a stay at home mom and I have a 2 year old. My hubby works in a different state so he is not home for very long, but he comes back as often as he can. We used to live in CA, so my dad is still in that state and my hubby lives with him when he has to work. My 86 year old grandma has just moved into a new home that is 8 minutes away from us. We chose a perfect location that has restaurants, and other conveniences close by. All she has to do is drive around the block and she has restaurants etc available. But, she is too scared to drive in her new neighborhood and I am her chauffer. I have tried to ease her anxiety, I have shown her "landmarks" , street names ect. She has even written them down and when I am in the car with her she knows where she is. She is independent and in great health, but I can't seem to get her to be less clingy. I know it is a big step for her to move, and I know she has been on her own for a long time, but I am exhausted. Also there is no pleasing her. She complains about things being done for her, and when you offer her a suggestion, she does not want to be bothered. She loves to talk about herself all the time, It is like listening to the same song over and over again and it never stops. She is also aware of how much she talks. But it does not stop her. She talks about everything she has been through in life and everything that has ever pissed her off and gone wrong, including relatives that have pissed her off etc. I am not sure how to handle all of this negativity. To make matters worse, my 2 year old does not like her and throws a fit every time we see her. She insists that I leave him with her and he will "get over it", but I just can't do that to him. I do not know what to do. I know it is a big change, but all she wants to do is have me listen to the same stories over and over and give her all of the attention that I can possess. I call her all the time, I see her three times a week, but it's like all of the time I have given her is erased and it all starts all over again. Lately, she has been blaming me for choosing a wrong pen because her handwriting does not look good, or for coming over if
i did not have enough time to be there, or for making a special trip to the grocery store for her and not having to go ourselves. I just can't win. She loves being here, she loves her new home, but everything else I can't win for losing. If she complains about something, I fix it, then she complains about something else, so I resolve that and then she goes back to the first thing. I do not know what to do. All I know is that I am completely stressed out. Any advice? I am trying to get her to be more active and meet people. but she says she does not want to be bothered. I feel like her personal servant rather than her grand-daughter and it is taking a toll on my health. Also my hubby has spoken to her and has explained that I am very busy taking care of our son and my time is limited, but it goes in one ear and out the other. On Monday she already has the errands planned out and lunch etc. Help!!! Posted on 10/17/09, 08:10 pm |
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Skylark, you didn't mention whether your grandmother has always been like this, or if her constant complaining started recently. If it started recently, there could be a medical/medication reason for it. 
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I am pretty sure she has always been like this. My mom used to say if she isn't complaining she isn't happy. I think she just has a negative personality. I am trying to figure out how to deal with it and not become completely negative myself. It's just hard right now. Thanks for responding :)
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I have several friends who talk nonstop, usually either about themselves or they're complaining about something. I've learned to go off somewhere in my mind and say "mmm-hmm" and the like, just to let them know I'm still awake (LOL).
I've found that people like that don't really want you to participate in their conversation; they just like having someone nearby with a pair of ears :-) Maybe you could train yourself to do that -- it's amazing how you can appear to be participating in the conversation while you're thinking about your grocery list. It can help keeping the other person's negativity from breaking through. Then you have more emotional stamina to deal with her real, physical needs. A thought, anyway...
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That is a great idea :) The only problem is that she tests me ever so often to make sure I am listening by asking what are your thoughts on that, so there have been several times where I have been almost caught not paying attention, lol :) I do agree with you, she just wants a pair of ears around to listen, it is just exhausting. I am glad to know that I am not alone in this, but now I feel sorry for you too. Do you have to deal with thm often? Just curious. Evereone sys it is lonliness and she admits it to, I just don't know how to get her to stop. She is pretty stubborn and i am a little afraid to talk to a DR because if it gets back to her, oh boy, when she holds a grudge it is forever. Thanks for the advice, I will try harder to concentrate on something else. I will keep you posted. I get to see her for the next 2 days.
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I usually get a dose of my friends on the phone. I put them on speaker and go about my business. If they "test" me I give some sort of neutral answer, if I haven't been paying attention. Sort of like "Ohhh, that's a hard one. I'm not sure what I would do!" And they love it because it reinforces their own opinion.
Sometimes, if this one friend REALLY catches me I tell her I have to give it more thought. Then I ask her to clarify the problem as much as possible so I won't go off on the wrong tangent. She ends up repeating less of the story than she did the first time, and now I know what she's talking about. Works every time. HAHAHAHAHA!
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Skylark, this is gonna be blunt...you must learn to keep her at arm's length for your physical and your emotional health. Make your son and schedule your priority and keep them as such. "Grandmother, I'm sorry but I won't be able to take you to such and such next week as I have other items to attend to." When and if she asks what it is you are attending to just tell her that you have several things which you must take care of...period. The details are really none of her business and you must be firm. It doesn't matter if the things you must take care of happen to be nothing of substance but just you and your son spending alone time. It sounds as if your grandmother has always been a negative person. My mother is the same way and there isn't anything I can say, suggest, or do that changes that. She has completely alienated everyone else that was previously in her life and I, as an only child, am stuck with dealing with her. It's sad to only deal with one's mother as an obligation but that's the way it is due to 40+ years of her negativity. When you make suggestions and she has objections to them...tell her that it doesn't appear that anything you suggest is ever sufficient so she must make up her own mind. Get to the point where you are only her chauffeur one day each week for the most important things...doctor's visits, grocery assistance...whatever seems to be the priority. If she needs to go at other times and is physically capable, she will have to get herself there on her own. Remember who your priority is...yourself and your son...and your husband when he's home. That is God's plan...do not feel guilty about it...stick to your guns. Negative personalities want everyone else to be miserable along with them...do NOT get sucked into the quicksand anymore! Sorry if this seems a bit harsh.
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Thanks ladl77 :) It wasn't harsh at all. I appreciate your advice. It sounds like she has a similiar personality to your mom. I am so sorry that you have tp go through that as well. If you ever want to vent, I am her for you :) Thanks SaraBT too, I like what you say to your friends, I will have to remember that :)I truly never knew that others are going through this as well. I am glad to know that I am not alone, but I feel for all of you too. Sending you all hugs and healing prayers :)
Renee' aka skylark :)
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Skylark, I live with my 82 yr old mom. She too is very negative. I have tried so hard to "change" her thinking, but I realize after 3 yrs of living with her that it is impossible to change her or anyone else. I now either don't reply at all to her negative comments or if I absolutely have too, I do it as gently as possible. My dad passed away just over 2 yrs ago and she is dealing with that, and I notice that she is starting with dementia. If I remember that, I am able to have more patience with her. As with lad711, my mom has pretty much pushed away a lot of her friends. She has gotten more
active since my dad passed, but I really had to push her on that. I also agree with him about putting the energy into your son and surely not letting your grandmother watch him, especially if your son doesn't like her! Is there a senior center in your area? Usually they offer many things during the day, which is a good way to make new friends. I am also very new on this site and this is actually my first discussion. Blessings to you.
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Thanks everyone. You have all helped me so much. I am sorry you are all going through this too with your own family members. I am sending you all hugs and healing prayers:)
Today was better. I let grandma use my cell phone to call her friends long distance. I need to check out her home phone and see if I can find a reasonable long distance carrier. Anyway that helped and then we went for a drive and eventhough she complained about her brother and actions he did about 30 to 40 years ago, I was able to block it out and it was fantastic :) So today was a good day. I hope tomorrow is pleasant as well. I am looking into senior activities for her too. There is a church about 2 blocks from her house, so that might work out. We will see. Hugs to you all :) Renee'
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wow, I understand your situation from a few different perspectives. My mom is 83 and lives with me. She has arthritis and walks with a cane, but tries to stay active. She doesn't do any cooking but will help clean up and do dishes. She needs me to help with medical issues and has had cataract surgery on each eye and will get hip replacement surgery November 18.
My previous career was in the medical field so I know some aged patients had issues, loneliness, negative thinking, maybe she could see a professional to try and resolve some issues or at least get her on a med for depression? Also , there are adult day care/ activity places near here that will pick her up and bring her home. She hasn't wanted to do the program, she likes to be with our pets, she loves animals. And she takes a 2 hour nap every afternoon. Maybe the best idea would be the assisted living, or adult retirement village setting? My friends have their moms in these living situations. The moms seem happy, play bingo, go to the store on a little bus, get together and talk, hey someone to talk to! You, your child and husband are the priority. it is sometimes a fact of life that the elderly have some senile dementia, repeat stuff, and my mom talks all the time. yad yada hahah Right now she is asleep in the recliner with the black pomerian dog on her tummy. haha good luck. xoxoox deee
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