Caring For Aging Parents Support Group

Are there any nursing homes that are owned or connected to your local hospital system? That's the kind my mother lived in for her last year, and the standards were extremely high. I suppose it might have run at a loss, but because it's part of a hospital system they have the resources to staff it, etc. -- it was run more like a labor of love than a business.

We have privately owned homes here which are converted to like 6 to eight bedrooms - round the clock care and they are extremely well run. When you are working with dementia it is hard and you want them in an environment where they are supervised. These homes (I'm in California south of San Francisco) run about $3,500 per month. That does not include meds etc. You may want to check one of these homes out. They are wonderful.

Elder care is becoming so expensive. My parents are in a facility and live in an apartment independently. They get breakfast and dinner and activities. They also could get transportation to and from doctors and to the grocery store but they do not wish to do this. I do all of this for them. They pay $5,800 per month.

Are all of you experiencing the high cost of elder care for parents as well? It is such a concern.

Recently my Dad moved into an assisted living home. The costs is awful and the amount of things they do for him is so little. We are planning on helping him relocate soon. This time I think with the past expereince I think we should know more of what to look and ask for.
There is a HUGE communication breakdown with the staff and they mislead us about the ammenites and the service that they would provide. The enviroment has been better especially from what he was living in. I am so glad we didn't do a long term finanical plan..We are paying month by month. The costs has varied and this month just for him it was 5,800. I still do his laundry, take him to the doctor because they Not been dependable... The pharmacy they use charged him triple of what he was paying and I had to personally contact them and get all of that worked out. It has been a bit disappointing but I know there has to be something better for him and for his money... Next week I am going to get heavy into finding him another place... I so wish I could take care of him myself...

Yes , Joy, I am going through something similar with my Mom. She is in a NH and her insurance paid for 3 mos. rehab. She is totally confined to a wheelchair and bed and it is so hard for me to do the transfers. I just don't think I could do it all day, every day, so I have been paying for her to stay there month to month. It costs $5,300.00 a month! She has insurance that pays her meds and physical therapy. She is NOT happy there, complains about almost everything.
Her life savings will only last about a year at that price. I am like you, I wish I could bring her home. I am seriously thinking of giving it a try, but I'm afraid I might let her fall and get hurt. It's such a struggle.
Hugs and Prayers for your jouney caring for your parents. Joy

Hi Joy,
This stage of life is a real tuffie isn't it? Watching our parents struggle to just exist and get through the day is so difficult.
I am working hard though to make sure that the facility provides him with sufficent care and with each new day I realise this isn't the place for him.

Joy it would be a HUGE sacrifice for you and I to take care of our parents in our own homes. I know it would impact the life of me and my husband drastically and I really don't want the dysfunction of my dad's past and his situation to strangle the life out of mine.

For so many years my Dad's wife and her family caused us so much grief. My Dad would not have been in such poor health if they had not been so selfish and uncaring. My stepmom controlled everything and life is so much better since we don't have hardly any contact with them. They put so many demands on us through the years it was horrible. We had to fight to get my Dad out of that house. I am just hoping and praying that they will leave us alone. The last year or so my stepmom changed a lot but she still didn't care about my Dad's declining health.. When my Dad says he is out of prison ...he really is and so are we...

Well I should go before I chase another rabbit...I hope everyone has a great weekend and a wonderful Friday...
Gail aka Joynhim

First let me say to Joynhim, I am so glad you were able to remove your Father from his horrible situation. Good for you! These situations are never easy and you do not expect families(even stepfamilies) to treat each other so poorly.

Another thing I wanted to metion for those going through the nursing home stuff. They REALLY want a patient that they can do Rehab on even just a little because they will bill the HE** out of Medicare for the therapies. So when they take a patient in that needs rehab, they can actually make double and almost triple on billing than just a routine patient that just needs someone to keep an eye on them and help then with feeding, etc.

I know that will sound like it can't possibly be true but trust me, its is. If you notice, the first thing they ask is what kind of insurance your loved one has. I found that it was worse to say you are self pay than to say you were on Medicaid! Can you believe that? I thought they would love good cold cash, but no way!

Reason is that they can pad that bill for the ins co or md or mc with therapies, and extras that they know they can't do with someone paying cash.

No for us, my Dad has his Military retiree ins, Medicare and now state medicaid because we spent all his cash down by paying out the approximate 5500.00 a month and that did not include trips to the Dr and some other stuff as he could not travel in a wheelchair and had to go by stretcher. So, it did not take too many months to blow through all the money he thought would be sufficient for his care when the time came. Its so sad. He and many others have raked and scraped and tucked back with the thoughts that it would pay for things but that is such a joke. There is no one except the extremely wealthy that could maintain a decent lifestyle at a certain point in their senior years.

Another thing and then I promise I am done with boring you guys. Do not hesitate to keep asking questions about what other help might be available in helping pay for expenses and that would include in a facility or if you decided to take a loved one home with you.

If you did take your loved one home, ask your Dr about what community health and home health services would be there to help you. You may be surprized at what help you could get.

Please keep us posted (all of you) on how things are going.

Just keep in mind that no one comes out to offer you much information and that is a horrible injustice when we are trying to care for our loved ones. You have to keep asking.

May God bless all of you.

Gagam, everthing you say is so true. Only money matters to these nursing homes, and compassion is obsolete. I am surprised at the rates you people are saying the facilites charge because where I am the prices are at least double. I toured a dumpy home the other day that charged $12,500, not including physical therapy.

Suecalifornia, those private homes sound wonderful. Nothing like that on Long Island. My father has been transferred to a hospice care facility in the Bronx, which is quite a drive from where we live but they agreed to take him. No other place wanted him. I just hope they don't throw him out.

There definitely is a major communication defect among the personnel at a lot of hospitals, and then there's incompetency. Our loved ones are at risk of having mistakes made with their medicaitons, or being ignored for so long that they develop infected bed sores, or ignored when they are trying to walk and then fall to the floor, breaking a bone or causing bleeding in the brain....There's just very little protection and it's scary for us.
God bless all of you. I will keep all of you in my prayers. Pray for strength, and peace and comfort for your parents.

Gail, Gamgam and everyone, thank you so much for all the information, and no, it's definitely not boring to me. It's true that nobody seems to want to volunteer ANY information, you have to drag it out one question at a time! I sometimes just don't know the right questions to ask. I found out the other day ,by accident, that if your loved one is getting physical therapy at home you can ask for an aid eto come and give them a bath 2 to 3 times a week and Medicare will pay for it. I guess you have to ask their dr. to recommend it. It probably doesn't last long maybe 4 to 6 weeks (about the average length of PT). I've seen times that it would have been a Godsend to have had that help! Maybe together we can help each other with the information we find out. Big Hugs to you all*** Joy

That's wonderful that you gave us that information. It's the only way we find these things out.

My mom has alzheimers. I started to put her in a nursing home for rehabilitation. But I could not leave her--I turned around and took her right back out. She tells me not to leaver her or "throw" her away. I know she won't get the attention she needs or wants. I am having a harder time getting her to raise her feet to walk and she is afraid. The lay-out of our house is not good for aged people,especially with her problems.